Guess what?? I'm engaged:) Fascinating, isn't it? The woman who said she would never get married again...famous last words, I guess. The deal is, we (Jules and I) are doing this so differently than I've ever done a relatiohship before...that is good, since I don't have a stellar track record, to say the least. So, we are engaged (we exchanged rings:) but with no date for the wedding; we want to move in together, but haven't yet; Jules is going to church with me and I am watching football with her...making Sundays a true multi-faith event...LOL.
So life is good! Certainly on a personal level...and let me mention that Katie is doing great, loving her job, living in Michigan, and working out her life in a fabulous "Katydid' way. My life is also great on a...professional? level! What do I call my student status? I feel like I have truly found my calling! People seem to be coming out of the woodwork to talk to me, wanting me to hear them, give them feedback. It's been amazing...and wonderful...humbling too.
Anyway - now is the time to start my application essay for seminary...and
Holy Cow! I just looked at the requirements (for the essay...) - 6-8 pages! answering
*What are my deepest religious questions?
*What is your current sense of your own strengths and growing edges for ministry?
*A statement of your academic and professional objectives in applying to Meadville with specific reference to your proposed degree progaram and career objectives:
- why are you applying to Meadville Lomvard?
- What kinds of challenges or fifts are you anticipating in pursuing an MDiv or MALS (master's in leadership...I'm going for both)?
Damn - it's not that I don't know all of that...but putting it not only in words but on paper that is not in "Cindy speak"...
So send me prayers and ideas - I will post more as there is more:)
Friday, December 9, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Progress
These posts are a little out of order, as I hold onto them too long as drafts...
These last few days I have been re-reading my journal from the last year. It begins in January, 2011, when I went through so much trauma with my mom and so much blessing with my brother. It continues on through my first excitement at Sancta Sophia and then on through the lessons and experiences from there. Re-reading my journals often helps me to connect dots that I hadn't previously seen and this is quite a valuable tool.
In April, on my second trip to Sancta Sophia, I was quite nervous for no reason that I could ascertain. In hindsight, it looks as though my intuition was really ramping up...even getting precognitive information! Reading about signs and information that I was getting but couldn't understand, now is much more clear. I tend to blame myself for not understanding my intuition...I'm not good enough, I don't trust myself, if only I was smarter, etc etc. What I see now is that there was no way i could understand the info i was getting...I didn't have a context for it. I thought I was learning to trust myself more, and while that is valuable, what I was really learning was to value myself for who I am. I had 3 major experiences with people yelling at me, telling me to shut up...for 1) asking a question about God, 2) for disagreeing with a student, 3) and for the Dean's misunderstanding of class directions. Wow, really?
Yet b/c of my experience at SS, I have expanded my concept of God tremendously! I have many new theories, more options and a more satisfying relationship with the Divine Mystery. If I hadn't gone to SS, I might not have gained these insights and thus not been open to other concepts. As I am reading material for my classes in Chicago, I find myself able to absorb and be open to new concepts, far more readily than I did before.
The biggest thing tho - is to keep my heart open and vulnerable to myself. I have learned a great deal about valuing my feelings, my worth and my right to be treated with respect. Fascinating isnt' it? To learn to value myself b/c of people telling me to shut up? Especially the Dean - b/c of her poor behavior, I was willing to look at other schools and find what I believe to be a much better match on all levels. I think Meadville will give me far more concrete skills, more credibility, and a broader education.
This valuing myself, has resulted in my coming up in the dating world...allowing myself to date a woman who has many of the qualities I asked for, but couldn't accept that I deserved. She is physically stunning...I mean, she is beautiful...and she wants to be with me! Ain't that somethin'? She is also highly intelligent, (Yale graduate and extremely successful business woman), wealthy, sophisticated, well the list goes on and on...but she also has a great sense of humor, loves her life and allows me mine. LOL - some time ago I said that the perfect woman for me would be someone who travelled a lot and only came home on weekends. Well, Jules doesnt' travel, but she is corporate...works 12-16 hour days (can you imagine??) and so, I typically only see her on weekends. Be careful what you ask for, right?
These last few days I have been re-reading my journal from the last year. It begins in January, 2011, when I went through so much trauma with my mom and so much blessing with my brother. It continues on through my first excitement at Sancta Sophia and then on through the lessons and experiences from there. Re-reading my journals often helps me to connect dots that I hadn't previously seen and this is quite a valuable tool.
In April, on my second trip to Sancta Sophia, I was quite nervous for no reason that I could ascertain. In hindsight, it looks as though my intuition was really ramping up...even getting precognitive information! Reading about signs and information that I was getting but couldn't understand, now is much more clear. I tend to blame myself for not understanding my intuition...I'm not good enough, I don't trust myself, if only I was smarter, etc etc. What I see now is that there was no way i could understand the info i was getting...I didn't have a context for it. I thought I was learning to trust myself more, and while that is valuable, what I was really learning was to value myself for who I am. I had 3 major experiences with people yelling at me, telling me to shut up...for 1) asking a question about God, 2) for disagreeing with a student, 3) and for the Dean's misunderstanding of class directions. Wow, really?
Yet b/c of my experience at SS, I have expanded my concept of God tremendously! I have many new theories, more options and a more satisfying relationship with the Divine Mystery. If I hadn't gone to SS, I might not have gained these insights and thus not been open to other concepts. As I am reading material for my classes in Chicago, I find myself able to absorb and be open to new concepts, far more readily than I did before.
The biggest thing tho - is to keep my heart open and vulnerable to myself. I have learned a great deal about valuing my feelings, my worth and my right to be treated with respect. Fascinating isnt' it? To learn to value myself b/c of people telling me to shut up? Especially the Dean - b/c of her poor behavior, I was willing to look at other schools and find what I believe to be a much better match on all levels. I think Meadville will give me far more concrete skills, more credibility, and a broader education.
This valuing myself, has resulted in my coming up in the dating world...allowing myself to date a woman who has many of the qualities I asked for, but couldn't accept that I deserved. She is physically stunning...I mean, she is beautiful...and she wants to be with me! Ain't that somethin'? She is also highly intelligent, (Yale graduate and extremely successful business woman), wealthy, sophisticated, well the list goes on and on...but she also has a great sense of humor, loves her life and allows me mine. LOL - some time ago I said that the perfect woman for me would be someone who travelled a lot and only came home on weekends. Well, Jules doesnt' travel, but she is corporate...works 12-16 hour days (can you imagine??) and so, I typically only see her on weekends. Be careful what you ask for, right?
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Breaking Open
Life continues to provide opportunities to open my heart, step out of my box, and commit to peace. Practicing mindfulness and praying while disagreeing with someone, "Please help me with this, Lord," is humbling and brings me back to center. I am reminded of my goal - to stay in my own core, to live in my potential, to stand firm in my truth...as I listen, see thro someone else's eyes, and finally, let it be enough to have said my truth.
Is it that I am 51, going on 52 that enables me to see when I am not going to be heard...and let it go? When did having peace become more important than being right? Well, at least sometimes this is true...and sometimes, it's important, for whatever reason, to get mad - and say so. The philosophy of "feeling your feelings"...it is so valuable, but never easy, and the path of "what to do with them" is seldom clear.
Ok - enough philosophy:) You all need to read "Here When You Need Me" by Kate Braestrup. It is profound, entertaining, will make you laugh and cry, numerous times. She proposes that miracles are actually defined, by gratitude. "A miracle is generally understood to be an extraordinary event that cannot be explained by any plausible application of natural laws and principles." If extraordinary and unexplainable are the only definition, then horrible things are miracles as well. Being in the wrong place at the wrong time, could be a miracle...but if we add gratitude...well, it changes everything.
I want to take this a step farther. What if we are hoping for a miracle? Actively working for a miracle? I've recently began dating someone new. She is NOTHING like anyone I have ever dated before...and if I can keep my core, stay in my truth, and let her encourage me to be more than I believe...will that be a miracle? She is beautiful, intelligent, wealthy, and pushes me in my truth and in accepting my own greatness. What if she's "the one"?
God works in mysterious ways and I also believes, has a sense of humor. Loving is something I already know how to do...keeping myself intact is not. This time I want to "break open" and love myself more deeply than I ever have. I believe this will enable me to not only stay intact, but to expand my concept of love. What do you think?
Is it that I am 51, going on 52 that enables me to see when I am not going to be heard...and let it go? When did having peace become more important than being right? Well, at least sometimes this is true...and sometimes, it's important, for whatever reason, to get mad - and say so. The philosophy of "feeling your feelings"...it is so valuable, but never easy, and the path of "what to do with them" is seldom clear.
Ok - enough philosophy:) You all need to read "Here When You Need Me" by Kate Braestrup. It is profound, entertaining, will make you laugh and cry, numerous times. She proposes that miracles are actually defined, by gratitude. "A miracle is generally understood to be an extraordinary event that cannot be explained by any plausible application of natural laws and principles." If extraordinary and unexplainable are the only definition, then horrible things are miracles as well. Being in the wrong place at the wrong time, could be a miracle...but if we add gratitude...well, it changes everything.
I want to take this a step farther. What if we are hoping for a miracle? Actively working for a miracle? I've recently began dating someone new. She is NOTHING like anyone I have ever dated before...and if I can keep my core, stay in my truth, and let her encourage me to be more than I believe...will that be a miracle? She is beautiful, intelligent, wealthy, and pushes me in my truth and in accepting my own greatness. What if she's "the one"?
God works in mysterious ways and I also believes, has a sense of humor. Loving is something I already know how to do...keeping myself intact is not. This time I want to "break open" and love myself more deeply than I ever have. I believe this will enable me to not only stay intact, but to expand my concept of love. What do you think?
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Life After July
Life is damn good. Classes are fascinating, there is an amazing woman in my life, and those I love are doing well. Katie is blissed out in Michigan (she could miss me a LITTLE more...c'est la vie), she will be home at the end of October and I am ready to see her. Lots of learning going on, God is getting bigger and bigger and I am finding a path to witness that expansion. God is good all the time.
Life after July...I met Jules on July 30. I wish I could convey how beautiful she is...both physically and emotionally. This is good for me:) It's building my confidence...does that make any sense? She is also a graduate of Yale, an incredibly successful business woman, and knows who she is. I am continually astounded at how sure she is of what she wants. She also has a big heart. She heard the testimony of a woman at church who couldn't buy her daughter shoes and so she emptied her wallet and gave this woman the cash...$400 in cash. And she's far better than I am at talking to people...people off the street that she doesn't know. I have never seen her be short or nasty with anyone that has approached her, for whatever reason.
The point of this blog tho, is to tell you about my new interpretation of the Prodigal Son story. We heard it Sunday night at MCC (Metropolitan Community Church) and it got me thinking about Joseph Campbell's description of the Hero's Journey. He says in order for the Hero to succeed, he first must get off the couch and go on his journey, and then he must fail. He must be stupid, trust the wrong person, do the wrong thing, and eventually, ask/need help. Only then can he succeed at his journey. So the definition of hero is not success, but failure.
So the Prodigal Son (PS) takes up his hero's journey and makes sure he is well supplied. Well, he gets out in the world and finds things are not as they seem and he fails big time. He ends up in a pigsty, (a good Jewish boy in a pigsty...not a choice most would make) and realizes that he has hit bottom. This is when he decides to truly risk, by going home...not when he took his inheritance and left, but when he became humble enough to look at himself and ask for mercy.
His Father famously says, "All that I have is thine". Do we truly know this about our God and life force? Do we truly know that all that God, the Universe, the Goddess is...is ours? I think we only believe what we can conceive of. Maybe this is when we define a miracle...when something happens that we could not conceive of...but in truth, that potential was always there. How much more potential is just waiting for us, surrounding us, but we want to "see" it, control it and so limit it?
So "all that I have is thine"...and the PS is now his own hero...having learned humility, many things about himself, and no small thing...that his Father loves him no matter what. We can only hope that the PS will continue his quest for learning and life...but what about the 2nd son? He was pissed! Was it pure jealousy? There certainly doesn't seem to be much love lost between brothers, but who can blame 2nd son? Except...2nd son has his own path and it is not the path of PS. So what is there to be jealous of? What if 2nd son is really jealous b/c PS had the courage to go on his first hero's journey...had the courage to fail? Did 2nd son really get up off the couch and take his own path, or just do what was easiest and expected of him? AND - 2nd son has not stretched his love for himself, nor his concept of his Father's love...and so doesn't know how big that could be.
My thought is that 2nd son is afraid...afraid that he can't handle failure...that he can't pick himself up out of his own pigsty, afraid he wouldn't have the courage to ask for help, and especially afraid his Father won't love him, if he does something stupid. So he chooses to be mad at his big brother...and wow, I wonder who was hurt by 2nd son staying outside in the heat, sweaty and smelly and not eating or drinking? Reminds me of the analogy of hate...drinking poison and hoping someone else dies from it...
The bottom line is we all get to play these roles sometime in our lives. When have you been the PS? When have you been the 2nd son? When have you been the Father? truly seeing someone's potential for life, in spite of their screw-ups? When has someone held your "potential space" for you, until you were ready to see it? An important thing to remember as well? None of these roles could have been played out, without each of the other roles. We are all connected, all teachers, all students...all at the same time.
Life after July...I met Jules on July 30. I wish I could convey how beautiful she is...both physically and emotionally. This is good for me:) It's building my confidence...does that make any sense? She is also a graduate of Yale, an incredibly successful business woman, and knows who she is. I am continually astounded at how sure she is of what she wants. She also has a big heart. She heard the testimony of a woman at church who couldn't buy her daughter shoes and so she emptied her wallet and gave this woman the cash...$400 in cash. And she's far better than I am at talking to people...people off the street that she doesn't know. I have never seen her be short or nasty with anyone that has approached her, for whatever reason.
The point of this blog tho, is to tell you about my new interpretation of the Prodigal Son story. We heard it Sunday night at MCC (Metropolitan Community Church) and it got me thinking about Joseph Campbell's description of the Hero's Journey. He says in order for the Hero to succeed, he first must get off the couch and go on his journey, and then he must fail. He must be stupid, trust the wrong person, do the wrong thing, and eventually, ask/need help. Only then can he succeed at his journey. So the definition of hero is not success, but failure.
So the Prodigal Son (PS) takes up his hero's journey and makes sure he is well supplied. Well, he gets out in the world and finds things are not as they seem and he fails big time. He ends up in a pigsty, (a good Jewish boy in a pigsty...not a choice most would make) and realizes that he has hit bottom. This is when he decides to truly risk, by going home...not when he took his inheritance and left, but when he became humble enough to look at himself and ask for mercy.
His Father famously says, "All that I have is thine". Do we truly know this about our God and life force? Do we truly know that all that God, the Universe, the Goddess is...is ours? I think we only believe what we can conceive of. Maybe this is when we define a miracle...when something happens that we could not conceive of...but in truth, that potential was always there. How much more potential is just waiting for us, surrounding us, but we want to "see" it, control it and so limit it?
So "all that I have is thine"...and the PS is now his own hero...having learned humility, many things about himself, and no small thing...that his Father loves him no matter what. We can only hope that the PS will continue his quest for learning and life...but what about the 2nd son? He was pissed! Was it pure jealousy? There certainly doesn't seem to be much love lost between brothers, but who can blame 2nd son? Except...2nd son has his own path and it is not the path of PS. So what is there to be jealous of? What if 2nd son is really jealous b/c PS had the courage to go on his first hero's journey...had the courage to fail? Did 2nd son really get up off the couch and take his own path, or just do what was easiest and expected of him? AND - 2nd son has not stretched his love for himself, nor his concept of his Father's love...and so doesn't know how big that could be.
My thought is that 2nd son is afraid...afraid that he can't handle failure...that he can't pick himself up out of his own pigsty, afraid he wouldn't have the courage to ask for help, and especially afraid his Father won't love him, if he does something stupid. So he chooses to be mad at his big brother...and wow, I wonder who was hurt by 2nd son staying outside in the heat, sweaty and smelly and not eating or drinking? Reminds me of the analogy of hate...drinking poison and hoping someone else dies from it...
The bottom line is we all get to play these roles sometime in our lives. When have you been the PS? When have you been the 2nd son? When have you been the Father? truly seeing someone's potential for life, in spite of their screw-ups? When has someone held your "potential space" for you, until you were ready to see it? An important thing to remember as well? None of these roles could have been played out, without each of the other roles. We are all connected, all teachers, all students...all at the same time.
Monday, September 12, 2011
July was Hell
So, in July, my brother and I, my sister-in-law (may she stay home next time), my daughter and their oldest daughter...went to Bovina, Texas to clean out my parents' house. We have sold it to the neighbor's grandson and in the end, it is a good thing. Suffice it to say, this was an emotional, volatile, and extremely hard thing to do. Thank God I had Katie there...she is such a blessing.
So the following week, I headed back to school. I am doing some marketing for the seminary and we had a 3! hour team meeting while I was there. God save me. This is why I liked being boss - NEVER did I have a 3 hour meeting. Corporate is also a new concept for me...in that new ideas are not really that welcomed. Everytime I offered a new idea or questioned something...I was shut down. They want to bring in all these new students, revitalize the seminary, but not do anything any differently. I believe that is the definition of insanity.
Well, that meeting did not go well, but I left being very clear as to what my perameters were, around what they wanted me to do...so that was good. Then in class the next day, the dean told me to shut up. Yep, 3rd time's a charm! The instructor had told us to discuss the new concept he had just taught, with our partners, which I did. During this discussion period, the dean says, "Would everyone stop their side conversations! Sue is trying to share!" There were several comments to the dean, as we were all doing what we were told to do. I also made a comment, which I do not remember the jist of, and the dean turns to me and says, "Scorpios like it blunt? You need to shut up!"
I've been all over the map in my reaction and processing of this event. I've blamed myself, I've been angry, I've asked "How did I attract this? What am I to learn?" I've also felt ashamed and just shut down. No one else is being yelled at...why me? What did I do to cause it? I've also realized I am not responsible for other people's actions...but I've also been yelled at 3 times!!! In a seminary. Truly there is something wrong with this picture.
Maybe it is my fault. Maybe it isn't. The dean apologized to me personally the next morning, but it was one of those apologies that makes it worse. "I shouldnt' have yelled at you b/c I'm the dean, you're the student. I now know how Stan feels (see previous blog) when he said he felt your sting." So you're saying...it's MY fault? I caused your actions??? In a class...where you were not the instructor, nor listening to the instructions?? WTF?
Here's the thing. The first time I was yelled at, in April, I had asked a question. What still concerns me is that the instructors (of which one was the dean) did not stop this student from yelling at me and continuing to snipe at and interrupt me for the whole class. The second time, with Stan... There were others that said and did a lot more, but I got yelled at. This last time? I still don't know what I said that made the dean "feel my sting"...but she should have addressed that at a different time, not in class...and she should not have brought up Stan, nor blamed me for her actions.
There are those who won't believe me. You've either felt my sting yourself, or seen my volatility, or just figure I deserved it if it happened 3 times. Here's the bottom line for me. I'm in seminary. If I can't ask questions and not be yelled at, something is wrong. If I am doing something that is out of line and inappropriate, someone needs to talk to me, not yell at me in class. The determining factor for me? I do not have any faith that this won't keep happening. I do not feel the instructors, including the dean, have the appropriate skills to keep Stan in line, or themselves.
Here's what a friend of mine pointed out. I have endured a lot of verbal abuse in my life. When this started happening at seminary, I tried to get past it and think it didn't matter. The truth is, it does matter. I deserve a safe place to get an education. What occurred to me, is that SSS is still recovering from PTSD...that campus feels like somebody bombed them. Remember they forced the original leader out and the current dean just came on in January? The previous leader was awful! Yelling at everybody and telling them they were evil! So maybe SSS doesn't recognize verbal abuse when they hear it either. And that is not a situation I want to stay in.
What this means is that I am transferring to the Unitarian Universalist Seminary in Chicago. I can't be matriculated in as a full-time seminary student until June, 2012...but I can start accredited classes this fall. Let's just assume I will be accepted, b/c I am a good student and good person, Scorpio or not! My decision is not just based on how I've been treated...but also on the lack of accredation that SSS has. Of the instructors that I've had, only the dean and her husband have a master's degree themselves. Their "counseling" class that I took in June, was a joke and I'm not certain at all, that I will have the skills I need at the end of 4 years, if I stay at SSS. I can also get a dual master's at UU in Chicago...Master's of Divinity and Master's of Arts in Leadership.
I'm guessing I might have to work a tad bit harder....UU actually gives you a reading list BEFORE the class! They work on an intensive schedule as well, I only have to spend 1 week on campus per class, but I am given the reading assignment 3 months in advance and will have conference calls and online study groups on a weekly basis. I'm guessing I WILL come out of this program with the skills I need and the seminary is much more recognized!
After all of this in Oklahoma, I still had to go back to Texas and finish Mom and Dad's house. The good news is that I went by myself and got some very healing "alone time" there...some closure. It was quite needed and welcome. Ok - if any of you have made it all the way thro this blog...I thank you for listening.
So the following week, I headed back to school. I am doing some marketing for the seminary and we had a 3! hour team meeting while I was there. God save me. This is why I liked being boss - NEVER did I have a 3 hour meeting. Corporate is also a new concept for me...in that new ideas are not really that welcomed. Everytime I offered a new idea or questioned something...I was shut down. They want to bring in all these new students, revitalize the seminary, but not do anything any differently. I believe that is the definition of insanity.
Well, that meeting did not go well, but I left being very clear as to what my perameters were, around what they wanted me to do...so that was good. Then in class the next day, the dean told me to shut up. Yep, 3rd time's a charm! The instructor had told us to discuss the new concept he had just taught, with our partners, which I did. During this discussion period, the dean says, "Would everyone stop their side conversations! Sue is trying to share!" There were several comments to the dean, as we were all doing what we were told to do. I also made a comment, which I do not remember the jist of, and the dean turns to me and says, "Scorpios like it blunt? You need to shut up!"
I've been all over the map in my reaction and processing of this event. I've blamed myself, I've been angry, I've asked "How did I attract this? What am I to learn?" I've also felt ashamed and just shut down. No one else is being yelled at...why me? What did I do to cause it? I've also realized I am not responsible for other people's actions...but I've also been yelled at 3 times!!! In a seminary. Truly there is something wrong with this picture.
Maybe it is my fault. Maybe it isn't. The dean apologized to me personally the next morning, but it was one of those apologies that makes it worse. "I shouldnt' have yelled at you b/c I'm the dean, you're the student. I now know how Stan feels (see previous blog) when he said he felt your sting." So you're saying...it's MY fault? I caused your actions??? In a class...where you were not the instructor, nor listening to the instructions?? WTF?
Here's the thing. The first time I was yelled at, in April, I had asked a question. What still concerns me is that the instructors (of which one was the dean) did not stop this student from yelling at me and continuing to snipe at and interrupt me for the whole class. The second time, with Stan... There were others that said and did a lot more, but I got yelled at. This last time? I still don't know what I said that made the dean "feel my sting"...but she should have addressed that at a different time, not in class...and she should not have brought up Stan, nor blamed me for her actions.
There are those who won't believe me. You've either felt my sting yourself, or seen my volatility, or just figure I deserved it if it happened 3 times. Here's the bottom line for me. I'm in seminary. If I can't ask questions and not be yelled at, something is wrong. If I am doing something that is out of line and inappropriate, someone needs to talk to me, not yell at me in class. The determining factor for me? I do not have any faith that this won't keep happening. I do not feel the instructors, including the dean, have the appropriate skills to keep Stan in line, or themselves.
Here's what a friend of mine pointed out. I have endured a lot of verbal abuse in my life. When this started happening at seminary, I tried to get past it and think it didn't matter. The truth is, it does matter. I deserve a safe place to get an education. What occurred to me, is that SSS is still recovering from PTSD...that campus feels like somebody bombed them. Remember they forced the original leader out and the current dean just came on in January? The previous leader was awful! Yelling at everybody and telling them they were evil! So maybe SSS doesn't recognize verbal abuse when they hear it either. And that is not a situation I want to stay in.
What this means is that I am transferring to the Unitarian Universalist Seminary in Chicago. I can't be matriculated in as a full-time seminary student until June, 2012...but I can start accredited classes this fall. Let's just assume I will be accepted, b/c I am a good student and good person, Scorpio or not! My decision is not just based on how I've been treated...but also on the lack of accredation that SSS has. Of the instructors that I've had, only the dean and her husband have a master's degree themselves. Their "counseling" class that I took in June, was a joke and I'm not certain at all, that I will have the skills I need at the end of 4 years, if I stay at SSS. I can also get a dual master's at UU in Chicago...Master's of Divinity and Master's of Arts in Leadership.
I'm guessing I might have to work a tad bit harder....UU actually gives you a reading list BEFORE the class! They work on an intensive schedule as well, I only have to spend 1 week on campus per class, but I am given the reading assignment 3 months in advance and will have conference calls and online study groups on a weekly basis. I'm guessing I WILL come out of this program with the skills I need and the seminary is much more recognized!
After all of this in Oklahoma, I still had to go back to Texas and finish Mom and Dad's house. The good news is that I went by myself and got some very healing "alone time" there...some closure. It was quite needed and welcome. Ok - if any of you have made it all the way thro this blog...I thank you for listening.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Onward & Upward
I just can't do it anymore. Be yelled at. I haven't blogged...b/c I just couldn't. First John, Julie & I go to Texas and clean out the house I grew up in. My sister-in-law is a nightmare, so she makes a hard thing, oh! so much harder. Then I head back to school and my girlfriend of 6 weeks (yea, it was deep) breaks up with me. Then in school, my dean yells at me in class. Tells me to shut-up. I am so done with this school. But if you thought that was the end of my month, no, no - I have to go back to Texas and finish the job - which I have to say, was good. I was able to gain closure - but let me tell ya, it was still hard. Do you know how odd it was to drive away, and realize I might never see the house again?
Then my brother falls off the pedestal that I have him on. I will give no details, but let me just say - watching he and Julie walk down the same path as my parents' marriage is fucking scary. It has been empowering in some ways - he and I are equals now. I am no more stupid or incompetent or omniscient, than he is. We both get to be mortal and fallible, and still love each other...but my new position in life, is just as world shifting, as his new position.
So I am transferring to Meadville Unitarian Universalist seminary in Chicago. It is larger, more established, more professional (I bet their professors don't yell at their students!) than Sancta Sophia. I also think their theology makes sense. SSS...their theology is just too "out there" for me. Can you imagine that I am saying something is too "out there" for me???? but it is. So Chicago will be 'intensive" courses something like SSS, in that I only have to be on campus for January. Right, Chicago in January. Joy. I lived in Chicago for 7 years...never thought I would go back. Never say never.
What am I looking forward to? Going to NYC with Katie to one of her good friend's wedding. Then I plan to go see Mom (Boston) and travel onto Provincetown. I'm hoping my cousin is going to join me - and we can just hang out, catch up, and enjoy the east coast in October. I am dating someone new...but she thinks the world is going to end in October. Might as well be in Provincetown:)
This has been a summer of evolution and learning. The heat has been on in so many ways:) I'm also looking forward to getting a reading list before the first day of class! I hope your summer has been good - maybe we are all ready for life to cool down a bit...joining Persephone in the Underworld may be more peaceful than we imagined.
Then my brother falls off the pedestal that I have him on. I will give no details, but let me just say - watching he and Julie walk down the same path as my parents' marriage is fucking scary. It has been empowering in some ways - he and I are equals now. I am no more stupid or incompetent or omniscient, than he is. We both get to be mortal and fallible, and still love each other...but my new position in life, is just as world shifting, as his new position.
So I am transferring to Meadville Unitarian Universalist seminary in Chicago. It is larger, more established, more professional (I bet their professors don't yell at their students!) than Sancta Sophia. I also think their theology makes sense. SSS...their theology is just too "out there" for me. Can you imagine that I am saying something is too "out there" for me???? but it is. So Chicago will be 'intensive" courses something like SSS, in that I only have to be on campus for January. Right, Chicago in January. Joy. I lived in Chicago for 7 years...never thought I would go back. Never say never.
What am I looking forward to? Going to NYC with Katie to one of her good friend's wedding. Then I plan to go see Mom (Boston) and travel onto Provincetown. I'm hoping my cousin is going to join me - and we can just hang out, catch up, and enjoy the east coast in October. I am dating someone new...but she thinks the world is going to end in October. Might as well be in Provincetown:)
This has been a summer of evolution and learning. The heat has been on in so many ways:) I'm also looking forward to getting a reading list before the first day of class! I hope your summer has been good - maybe we are all ready for life to cool down a bit...joining Persephone in the Underworld may be more peaceful than we imagined.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Stan, the Man
So, the names have been changed to protect...me. I've heard too many horror stories about how employers find blogs and then throw you in jail. Or something like that. Anyway - Stan is a student at Sancta Sophia, and he and I have had a few issues. He has been labeled genius...he is a chemist and seems quite brilliant in that field. Except he can't keep a job, b/c he has no social skills. He has also been labeled with Asberger's, Autistic, and crazy. He interrupts, talks on & on, and talks about science endlessly... in an alternative seminary...alternative simply means we're all batshit crazy, but are WOOWOO...not scientists. Please.
Stan is religious-right about science (I don't know why he's in seminary...my friend says it's b/c seminaries take all the misfits that no one else wants...I'm not sure what that says about me:) ANYway...Stan made me crazy in April, b/c he interrupted everyone, including the instructors. He is very tall, large, with a BIG voice...and so no one else can be heard when he is talking. So - I approached him as I was trained to...by himself, so there was no pressure to impress someone or fear of being embarressed....and asked him to not interrupt. He had a fit. Yelled a bit, told me to "let it go" and that he had heard that all his life and was sick of it. It didn't seem appropriate to ask him, if he had heard it all his life... why he hadn't tried to change it? There I go - being Ms. Pro-Active!
So in June, we had our healing modalities class. Stan started out ok, but got worse as the week progressed. Finally, he threw a bit of a fit in class, about how everyone else was interrupting him...and I very gently said (truly - i was gentle and quiet in my approach) "but Stan, you interrupt as well...". WW3. He screamed at me. Told me to shut up 3 times and generally, scared me to death. I truly had so much adrenaline running through my body, I could have run to Canada. Those of you who have been in abusive relationships, know what I mean. Fight, flight or freeze. I froze. It was truly awful....but you know that is not the end of the story.
I did manage to pray. And I asked myself...do I need to leave? Can I stay? What should I do? Now those of you who know me, know I have many spiritual resources...I have angels, guides, and a fairly new tribe that comes from a past-life experience...or an astral travel experience...or I made it up...i don't care - my tribe is powerful and they take care of me. They are the ones who answered. "Open your heart." Are you fucking kidding me???? "Open your heart". Yep, that's what they said, and that is how I answered.
The thing is - I trust them. So I opened my heart. Maybe it was only a crack, but it was not slammed shut as I did in April, when the Esoteric-religious-right woman verbally attacked me. (Why am I being attacked in each class? sigh - I've been told it's b/c I'm ready. I'm a ground breaker. It's my astrological signs...whatever. I also am the only new student, the only one without a background in esoterism, and the one with all the questions) So back to my tribe. I do trust them. And this has been quite a process.
To make a long story short...sort of...I asked them to give Stan another chance for healing...(they could have kicked him out...he was that verbally abusive) and so they did...give him another chance. While my 51 y/o self was pleased with my response, my "little girl" and my "young woman" were not so happy. There has been quite a lot of fear, anxiety and anger to process this week. Did I mention I get to go back on Sunday and be in a counseling class with Stan? Joy.
And so the point of this blog is to tell you what I got in my craniosacral session today. Open my heart and stay neutral. Expect nothing from Stan. Not healing, not anger, not quiet, not shouting...let him be empowered to find his own healing...do not offer him anything but neutral, open hearted, love. Try to imagine neutral love. Imagine giving it to a terrorist.
The other small thing...Stan had to get that "loud" in energy volume, to shatter the hold my mother has had on my energy system. It could only be shattered if I had an open heart. This whole thing is really about my own healing. The whole, damn thing. God truly works in mysterious ways...
Stan is religious-right about science (I don't know why he's in seminary...my friend says it's b/c seminaries take all the misfits that no one else wants...I'm not sure what that says about me:) ANYway...Stan made me crazy in April, b/c he interrupted everyone, including the instructors. He is very tall, large, with a BIG voice...and so no one else can be heard when he is talking. So - I approached him as I was trained to...by himself, so there was no pressure to impress someone or fear of being embarressed....and asked him to not interrupt. He had a fit. Yelled a bit, told me to "let it go" and that he had heard that all his life and was sick of it. It didn't seem appropriate to ask him, if he had heard it all his life... why he hadn't tried to change it? There I go - being Ms. Pro-Active!
So in June, we had our healing modalities class. Stan started out ok, but got worse as the week progressed. Finally, he threw a bit of a fit in class, about how everyone else was interrupting him...and I very gently said (truly - i was gentle and quiet in my approach) "but Stan, you interrupt as well...". WW3. He screamed at me. Told me to shut up 3 times and generally, scared me to death. I truly had so much adrenaline running through my body, I could have run to Canada. Those of you who have been in abusive relationships, know what I mean. Fight, flight or freeze. I froze. It was truly awful....but you know that is not the end of the story.
I did manage to pray. And I asked myself...do I need to leave? Can I stay? What should I do? Now those of you who know me, know I have many spiritual resources...I have angels, guides, and a fairly new tribe that comes from a past-life experience...or an astral travel experience...or I made it up...i don't care - my tribe is powerful and they take care of me. They are the ones who answered. "Open your heart." Are you fucking kidding me???? "Open your heart". Yep, that's what they said, and that is how I answered.
The thing is - I trust them. So I opened my heart. Maybe it was only a crack, but it was not slammed shut as I did in April, when the Esoteric-religious-right woman verbally attacked me. (Why am I being attacked in each class? sigh - I've been told it's b/c I'm ready. I'm a ground breaker. It's my astrological signs...whatever. I also am the only new student, the only one without a background in esoterism, and the one with all the questions) So back to my tribe. I do trust them. And this has been quite a process.
To make a long story short...sort of...I asked them to give Stan another chance for healing...(they could have kicked him out...he was that verbally abusive) and so they did...give him another chance. While my 51 y/o self was pleased with my response, my "little girl" and my "young woman" were not so happy. There has been quite a lot of fear, anxiety and anger to process this week. Did I mention I get to go back on Sunday and be in a counseling class with Stan? Joy.
And so the point of this blog is to tell you what I got in my craniosacral session today. Open my heart and stay neutral. Expect nothing from Stan. Not healing, not anger, not quiet, not shouting...let him be empowered to find his own healing...do not offer him anything but neutral, open hearted, love. Try to imagine neutral love. Imagine giving it to a terrorist.
The other small thing...Stan had to get that "loud" in energy volume, to shatter the hold my mother has had on my energy system. It could only be shattered if I had an open heart. This whole thing is really about my own healing. The whole, damn thing. God truly works in mysterious ways...
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Faith Crisis #3
I guess I'm just going to have a faith crisis on a regular basis. For someone who thought she was so "open minded" - I sure have a lot of BS (belief system:) that is getting blown to smithereens! This last paper was a menopausal bitch- and since I am menopausal, I can say that. "She" - the paper, was moody, volatile, inconsistent, and unfair. She ran hot and cold, up and down...and I re-created her 5 times. From scratch. I finally sent it in, 2 days late, and am SO glad to have this one done. I'm sure there was a lot I could learn about time management, as I spent 4 of the 5 weeks on Jesus and MBE, and then had only 1 week to compare creation myths.
So. In my research I realize, that MOST of the stories in the Bible are inspired from mythology. Yes, I said this already...in my last blog. This is a big deal to me! I also am coming to terms with God being a Rorschact (?) blot. Really - God is a human construct. I know, I know - I am still going to hell. Personally, I believe Hades chose the Underworld just to get out of all those meetings with Zeus and all the other Gods! Just think about all that ego!
I also did the tiniest piece of research on Joseph Campbell and one thing he said really hit home for me. "I don't need faith, I have my own experience!" This truly is what it comes down to for me. God has been recreated more times than my most recent paper...just in MY experience in the last week! so I had to come down to, "What does God mean to me?" Do I truly believe that God exists?
Well, those of you who are wondering if I was taken in the Rapture (HA! LOL) I do believe in God. The reason I believe in God is simply not about church or belief systems or prayer (well, maybe a little bit of prayer)...it's about my own healing and evolution. I've been healed instantaneously of strep throat, while being the biggest sinner there is by definition...I sold my house in Fenton in an amazing way (another story), and Holistic Fitness sold, thereby giving me a time of true blessing and healing. It simply doesn't matter to me how all of this is explained - it means God exists for me. God was there for me and is more real for me now, in this time of blessing and few dramatic events...than ever before. I think that is it. God doesn't have to be in the instantaneous healing...altho that's nice, VERY nice...but this time of evolution for me, is going to be a mainstay for me in my future. This is foundation time.
Truly. When I am sitting on my deck, writing my papers...it may be raining (I have a screened-in porch:), or windy, or sunny...the birds are out, the air is fresh and LIFE IS DAMN GOOD. I see God on my screened-in porch. It's an energy, an atmosphere. It is being soaked into my bones and is saturating into my blood. I will be able to bring this energy up, into my experience, from now on. And please understand. I DO appreciate what a blessed time this is. My life is fabulous. Glorious. and I am grateful. Even when the papers I write take on a personality of their own and become menopausal bitches. Even then.
So. In my research I realize, that MOST of the stories in the Bible are inspired from mythology. Yes, I said this already...in my last blog. This is a big deal to me! I also am coming to terms with God being a Rorschact (?) blot. Really - God is a human construct. I know, I know - I am still going to hell. Personally, I believe Hades chose the Underworld just to get out of all those meetings with Zeus and all the other Gods! Just think about all that ego!
I also did the tiniest piece of research on Joseph Campbell and one thing he said really hit home for me. "I don't need faith, I have my own experience!" This truly is what it comes down to for me. God has been recreated more times than my most recent paper...just in MY experience in the last week! so I had to come down to, "What does God mean to me?" Do I truly believe that God exists?
Well, those of you who are wondering if I was taken in the Rapture (HA! LOL) I do believe in God. The reason I believe in God is simply not about church or belief systems or prayer (well, maybe a little bit of prayer)...it's about my own healing and evolution. I've been healed instantaneously of strep throat, while being the biggest sinner there is by definition...I sold my house in Fenton in an amazing way (another story), and Holistic Fitness sold, thereby giving me a time of true blessing and healing. It simply doesn't matter to me how all of this is explained - it means God exists for me. God was there for me and is more real for me now, in this time of blessing and few dramatic events...than ever before. I think that is it. God doesn't have to be in the instantaneous healing...altho that's nice, VERY nice...but this time of evolution for me, is going to be a mainstay for me in my future. This is foundation time.
Truly. When I am sitting on my deck, writing my papers...it may be raining (I have a screened-in porch:), or windy, or sunny...the birds are out, the air is fresh and LIFE IS DAMN GOOD. I see God on my screened-in porch. It's an energy, an atmosphere. It is being soaked into my bones and is saturating into my blood. I will be able to bring this energy up, into my experience, from now on. And please understand. I DO appreciate what a blessed time this is. My life is fabulous. Glorious. and I am grateful. Even when the papers I write take on a personality of their own and become menopausal bitches. Even then.
Myth and Our Belief System
Okey Dokey - warning. There may be material in this blog that messes with your religion - ie: your belief system. It has certainly messed with mine.
So here's the deal. I am now writing a paper contrasting creation stories. Genesis vs (my choices) Greek mythology and Native American Indian myths. The first thing to define is myth - religious story that informs and guides a faith tradition. Marcus Borg, Bible scholar puts it another way...a story that has true meaning, whether or not it's factual.
The factual part...that's what got me. I grew up, like most of you, thinking my religion was about facts. I believed, without a doubt, that Jesus was born of a virgin, healed multitudes, that Samuel survived the lion's den (wasn't it Samuel?) and Abraham almost sacrificed his son...but his wonderful God stopped him at the last minute. (Except I always had issue that God would ask in the first place! but some things ya just don't question...until you go to seminary)
So I start doing my research for this paper, and find that many of the Bible stories are first told in Greek mythology...and it occurs to me that Zeus looks just like that description of God as the man in the white beard, sitting on a throne, making judgements. That God is also vengeful, unpredictable, and NOT comforting. Sounds like Zeus.
Speaking of Zeus - his mother Rhea hid him in a cave, in a basket...does anyone else think of Moses? Humans were made in "gods image" on two feet, so they could gaze up at the heavens, rather than at the ground, like animals. Oh yea - Zeus punished humans with floods. Pandora was given to men as an "equal creature of delight and torment", then given a box and told not to open it. uh - Genesis did come to mind...and what sort of God gives you a gift and then says not to open it?
What if the Bible is myth? All of it? Remember the definitions...they're true, just not factual. That means I get to decide what is meaningful to me - but more importantly, it means I get to decide who and what God is. Does this feel sacriligious to you? It felt overwhelming to me. Just tell me what to do! Tell me the truth! Tell me who God is - don't make me decide!
Isn't that what mankind has been doing for centuries? and then when God doesn't work out, we dump Him or move on to another belief system. I mean, Greek mythology is just as widespread as Christianity, except we would never say we believed it to be true. Except that it is the BASIS for Christianity. Yes, I do know I'm going to hell - except hell is just a belief system:) and somehow, since there are a few of you still emailing me that you like my blog...I must be striking a chord.
The thing that amazes me? How strong a belief system can be, and how a civilization can be run on fear. Some guy stronger than you, kills your neighbor for believing the wrong thing...and somehow, your sacred belief system is not so important b/c you want to stay alive. How many countries have been dominated this way?
Well, you can see that I want to share the wealth where all this thought processing comes in:) Thanks for listening! Again!
So here's the deal. I am now writing a paper contrasting creation stories. Genesis vs (my choices) Greek mythology and Native American Indian myths. The first thing to define is myth - religious story that informs and guides a faith tradition. Marcus Borg, Bible scholar puts it another way...a story that has true meaning, whether or not it's factual.
The factual part...that's what got me. I grew up, like most of you, thinking my religion was about facts. I believed, without a doubt, that Jesus was born of a virgin, healed multitudes, that Samuel survived the lion's den (wasn't it Samuel?) and Abraham almost sacrificed his son...but his wonderful God stopped him at the last minute. (Except I always had issue that God would ask in the first place! but some things ya just don't question...until you go to seminary)
So I start doing my research for this paper, and find that many of the Bible stories are first told in Greek mythology...and it occurs to me that Zeus looks just like that description of God as the man in the white beard, sitting on a throne, making judgements. That God is also vengeful, unpredictable, and NOT comforting. Sounds like Zeus.
Speaking of Zeus - his mother Rhea hid him in a cave, in a basket...does anyone else think of Moses? Humans were made in "gods image" on two feet, so they could gaze up at the heavens, rather than at the ground, like animals. Oh yea - Zeus punished humans with floods. Pandora was given to men as an "equal creature of delight and torment", then given a box and told not to open it. uh - Genesis did come to mind...and what sort of God gives you a gift and then says not to open it?
What if the Bible is myth? All of it? Remember the definitions...they're true, just not factual. That means I get to decide what is meaningful to me - but more importantly, it means I get to decide who and what God is. Does this feel sacriligious to you? It felt overwhelming to me. Just tell me what to do! Tell me the truth! Tell me who God is - don't make me decide!
Isn't that what mankind has been doing for centuries? and then when God doesn't work out, we dump Him or move on to another belief system. I mean, Greek mythology is just as widespread as Christianity, except we would never say we believed it to be true. Except that it is the BASIS for Christianity. Yes, I do know I'm going to hell - except hell is just a belief system:) and somehow, since there are a few of you still emailing me that you like my blog...I must be striking a chord.
The thing that amazes me? How strong a belief system can be, and how a civilization can be run on fear. Some guy stronger than you, kills your neighbor for believing the wrong thing...and somehow, your sacred belief system is not so important b/c you want to stay alive. How many countries have been dominated this way?
Well, you can see that I want to share the wealth where all this thought processing comes in:) Thanks for listening! Again!
Saturday, May 7, 2011
Holy Cow
I am a student...one with a paper due next Friday and another one due the following Friday. The problem is that I can't stay on topic. It's not that I'm not interested in my topic..."Compare the ministry and miracles of Jesus with those of a current healer". Truly, if you are a spiritual nerd like I am, this is gold. The issue is that I want to make it bigger than the topic, and of course, I want to apply it to my own life...but that can't go in the paper. Remember? I'm a student, supposed to be practicing critical thinking and writing in focused and conclusive format. (with stinking footnotes to boot)
So. I have chosen Mary Baker Eddy to compare to Jesus. I have to say she comes off fairly well! Better than any other healer I am aware of. Truly - if half of the healings are true that she says she did - she is freaking amazing! She also healed multitudes. Many of her healings are documented...more than we can say for Jesus!
Why is it that MBE and Jesus could heal anything they wanted to? Is it that they were truly anointed? We have heard for centuries that Jesus was the "Son of God" - but that is not how Jesus described himself (it's how his apostles described him, 30-70 years later). And who was MBE?
I believe she was influenced by that dude "Quimby", but more so by her Puritan upbringing. This might have a tad to do with my trouble with her rigidity:) A psychologist would have a field day with her...she lost her husband, mother, and brother within 4 years of each other. Her son was taken away from her, her new husband betrayed her, and she lived in poverty for many years b/c she was a woman and couldn't own property. It makes me wonder if she "denounced" everything human b/c it just hurt too damn much?!
Ok - I'm giving you way too little information, if you don't have a basis in Christian Science. I also wonder how twisted a religion becomes, by the people who practice it. "What would Jesus do??" WE DON'T KNOW! What would MBE do? Again, only opinions.
So let's just put aside our religious differences. Do you believe in dramatic healing? Instantaneous? What are your perameters around that? MBE was big into "not sinning" and "denouncing error". OF COURSE, my question is...who gets to decide what is sinning and what is error? Might be my identity of being gay here...lots of people think I am a sinner and am going to hell...and, I have one or two issues with that. Jesus said a helluva lot more about judgement and compassion, let me tell ya! (Did I mention that Jesus said NOTHING about being gay?...again, back to topic...)
Whatever issues I have with MBE - she healed like a dynamo! But what does that truly mean? What if the Bible is myth? MBE certainly didn't think it was myth, and she healed like it was true...does that make it true? or is it like Marcus Borg says..."a story can be true even if it is not factual...".
Once again I have meandered all over this page. Thanks for reading and putting up with me.
So. I have chosen Mary Baker Eddy to compare to Jesus. I have to say she comes off fairly well! Better than any other healer I am aware of. Truly - if half of the healings are true that she says she did - she is freaking amazing! She also healed multitudes. Many of her healings are documented...more than we can say for Jesus!
Why is it that MBE and Jesus could heal anything they wanted to? Is it that they were truly anointed? We have heard for centuries that Jesus was the "Son of God" - but that is not how Jesus described himself (it's how his apostles described him, 30-70 years later). And who was MBE?
I believe she was influenced by that dude "Quimby", but more so by her Puritan upbringing. This might have a tad to do with my trouble with her rigidity:) A psychologist would have a field day with her...she lost her husband, mother, and brother within 4 years of each other. Her son was taken away from her, her new husband betrayed her, and she lived in poverty for many years b/c she was a woman and couldn't own property. It makes me wonder if she "denounced" everything human b/c it just hurt too damn much?!
Ok - I'm giving you way too little information, if you don't have a basis in Christian Science. I also wonder how twisted a religion becomes, by the people who practice it. "What would Jesus do??" WE DON'T KNOW! What would MBE do? Again, only opinions.
So let's just put aside our religious differences. Do you believe in dramatic healing? Instantaneous? What are your perameters around that? MBE was big into "not sinning" and "denouncing error". OF COURSE, my question is...who gets to decide what is sinning and what is error? Might be my identity of being gay here...lots of people think I am a sinner and am going to hell...and, I have one or two issues with that. Jesus said a helluva lot more about judgement and compassion, let me tell ya! (Did I mention that Jesus said NOTHING about being gay?...again, back to topic...)
Whatever issues I have with MBE - she healed like a dynamo! But what does that truly mean? What if the Bible is myth? MBE certainly didn't think it was myth, and she healed like it was true...does that make it true? or is it like Marcus Borg says..."a story can be true even if it is not factual...".
Once again I have meandered all over this page. Thanks for reading and putting up with me.
Saturday, April 30, 2011
A Little of This...
I have been in such a quandary since getting back from seminary this time. A multitude of things. First, the instructors didn't keep the class under control and it became an "unsafe" place to have doubts, ask questions and not "go with the esoteric flow". Then I stayed with persnickety people who didn't tell me what they expected, but got upset if I didn't do things the way they wanted. I've never been that good at mind-reading! Lesson 1 - get my own place!
Third...the material is disconcerting. So, just read this and suspend your judgement so that this blog is not 30 minutes long with explanation. Let's just say the Old Testament is myth. It's a bunch of stories that somebody (ok - several somebodies) thought were important. Very few of any of the stories or books of the Bible were written by the name of the book...so back to that basic conjecture...the OT is myth.
So, holy shit, that's kind of a big deal. So if that is true - what does it do to my faith? (or yours?) Let's also go with the assertion, that just b/c a story is not factual, does not make it not true. So if the Bible is myth...with truth, even inspiring truth...the bottom line? I get to decide what is true for me, what inspires me and what doesn't work for me!
Religious leaders? They should always be judged as human, fallible, possibly gifted...but no different than someone who is good at math or music. Then each individual is required to discern what works for them, rather than swallow everything- "hook, line, and sinker"! Then when Jesus says, "...and greater works than these shall ye do..." it becomes a little more feasible...b/c we don't truly know what Jesus did, only what other people wrote about him YEARS! later.
How about Mary Baker Eddy? Fallible. Much of her inspiration was from a guy named Quimby. Does that take away from her healing the sick and raising the dead? Not if you see her as human, with a gift that she discerns for herself. Each religious leader as I see it, is gifted, fallible and have a VERY strong and charismatic personality. What we need to be careful of is thinking they can't be wrong, or human, or judging them with a "right or wrong" lens and nothing in between.
Religion emerges from a culture. It's language and it's symbols. If that religion survives, then the people in that religion, see their life through the lens of that religion. Just like the first 5 years of your life and what you absorbed, can't be erased from your DNA and how you respond to things...so do you see things through the religion you were raised in...even if you have changed religions.
Ok - these are my musings for today. They probably make no sense except to me. If you want to read the book that is helping me to clarify this mess...read Marcus Borg, "Reading the Bible Again for the First Time...Taking the Bible too seriously to take it literally". It's awesome.
Third...the material is disconcerting. So, just read this and suspend your judgement so that this blog is not 30 minutes long with explanation. Let's just say the Old Testament is myth. It's a bunch of stories that somebody (ok - several somebodies) thought were important. Very few of any of the stories or books of the Bible were written by the name of the book...so back to that basic conjecture...the OT is myth.
So, holy shit, that's kind of a big deal. So if that is true - what does it do to my faith? (or yours?) Let's also go with the assertion, that just b/c a story is not factual, does not make it not true. So if the Bible is myth...with truth, even inspiring truth...the bottom line? I get to decide what is true for me, what inspires me and what doesn't work for me!
Religious leaders? They should always be judged as human, fallible, possibly gifted...but no different than someone who is good at math or music. Then each individual is required to discern what works for them, rather than swallow everything- "hook, line, and sinker"! Then when Jesus says, "...and greater works than these shall ye do..." it becomes a little more feasible...b/c we don't truly know what Jesus did, only what other people wrote about him YEARS! later.
How about Mary Baker Eddy? Fallible. Much of her inspiration was from a guy named Quimby. Does that take away from her healing the sick and raising the dead? Not if you see her as human, with a gift that she discerns for herself. Each religious leader as I see it, is gifted, fallible and have a VERY strong and charismatic personality. What we need to be careful of is thinking they can't be wrong, or human, or judging them with a "right or wrong" lens and nothing in between.
Religion emerges from a culture. It's language and it's symbols. If that religion survives, then the people in that religion, see their life through the lens of that religion. Just like the first 5 years of your life and what you absorbed, can't be erased from your DNA and how you respond to things...so do you see things through the religion you were raised in...even if you have changed religions.
Ok - these are my musings for today. They probably make no sense except to me. If you want to read the book that is helping me to clarify this mess...read Marcus Borg, "Reading the Bible Again for the First Time...Taking the Bible too seriously to take it literally". It's awesome.
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
TMI
Literally. Too much information. Last week was Esoteric Spirituality. This week is deconstructing the Old Testament. Did you know that much of the OT may be myth and myth only? Not just Adam and Eve...but much of what we know about Abraham, Joseph, David, Solomon etc. It's possible that none of it happened, but has been interpreted by our Christian lens to be true. It is said that Judaism, Christianity, and Islam all came from Abraham...but they can't prove it.
What about the Exodus story? 600,000 people wandering thro the desert for 40 years. No signs. No proof. What does it do to your faith if none of it is true? What if the 1st 5 books of the Bible were made up as teaching lessons to make certain points? If you want to watch the PBS documentary that we watched today on what they know to be true of the OT, you can either download it on Itunes or get it thro PBS. "Buried Secrets of the Bible", NOVA, PBS.
Then there is the Esoteric explanation for everything. Sorta like metaphysical, but different. Suffice it to say, my brain is reeling. It's like 3 different tracks running in my head...1) What if none of it is true, but all myth? 2) What if some of it is true, but not all...and I have to decide what is true for me? and 3) Esoterically, that there are "ages" as in Taurus, Pisces and Aquarian ages, that decipher much of what happened?
So the Esoteric belief system is "out there" - but makes a lot of sense in some ways. The problem is that most people here already have adopted it as part of their faith. There is one woman in particular who is "religious right" in her belief of the Esoteric explanation...and she just irritates me. She says things like, "No, that is wrong, this is right, you can't say that, and no, it didn't happen like that". I have recognized that this really puts up walls for me...I resist the education b/c she is so adamant that I have to accept it. The hell I do! And yet I am here to learn and be open to new ideas.
It just irritates me b/c I should be able to accept things at my own pace...not at hers. At least she is just another student, not one of the instructors. I'm not sure you could get her to admit that though. Anyway - you can see that I am having a few issues. AND - I am damn tired of living in someone else's house and not having any space of my own. There is simply no place for me to go that I can be by myself and it is exhausting me. If I am to move down here, it will have to be in space that is my own. I cannot share with someone else, especially if it is within their own living space.
Ok - I am done whining. Overload does that to me. 3 more days and Little Bit and I go home. Praise God.
What about the Exodus story? 600,000 people wandering thro the desert for 40 years. No signs. No proof. What does it do to your faith if none of it is true? What if the 1st 5 books of the Bible were made up as teaching lessons to make certain points? If you want to watch the PBS documentary that we watched today on what they know to be true of the OT, you can either download it on Itunes or get it thro PBS. "Buried Secrets of the Bible", NOVA, PBS.
Then there is the Esoteric explanation for everything. Sorta like metaphysical, but different. Suffice it to say, my brain is reeling. It's like 3 different tracks running in my head...1) What if none of it is true, but all myth? 2) What if some of it is true, but not all...and I have to decide what is true for me? and 3) Esoterically, that there are "ages" as in Taurus, Pisces and Aquarian ages, that decipher much of what happened?
So the Esoteric belief system is "out there" - but makes a lot of sense in some ways. The problem is that most people here already have adopted it as part of their faith. There is one woman in particular who is "religious right" in her belief of the Esoteric explanation...and she just irritates me. She says things like, "No, that is wrong, this is right, you can't say that, and no, it didn't happen like that". I have recognized that this really puts up walls for me...I resist the education b/c she is so adamant that I have to accept it. The hell I do! And yet I am here to learn and be open to new ideas.
It just irritates me b/c I should be able to accept things at my own pace...not at hers. At least she is just another student, not one of the instructors. I'm not sure you could get her to admit that though. Anyway - you can see that I am having a few issues. AND - I am damn tired of living in someone else's house and not having any space of my own. There is simply no place for me to go that I can be by myself and it is exhausting me. If I am to move down here, it will have to be in space that is my own. I cannot share with someone else, especially if it is within their own living space.
Ok - I am done whining. Overload does that to me. 3 more days and Little Bit and I go home. Praise God.
Sunday, April 17, 2011
What Happens Now?
I talked with the Dean - she is really an awesome woman. She is a major part of why I like this place...she is a fantastic teacher, will be a good mentor, and is multi-talented. So we talked about the job and it is undecided. She still needs to interview other people and see who might be the best fit for the job. I told her I wasn't necessarily "called" to the job, but that I was called to live in this community. I mentioned my desire to know how a seminary works, how I think the networking would be good for my future, and just to live in this community would be an education in itself. I offered to do whatever they needed...be registrar for the month of May until they can find someone more computer qualified than me - or be the Dean's assistant, in whatever capacity she needs.
My flexibility is attractive. My computer skills are not...and, if I am in seminary, going to class and doing the job could be a challenge. So we left it open. She may need me to fill in for May...the current registrar is done at the end of April...and then who knows?
I hafta say I am relieved. I am truly not attracted to the job, I'm attracted to the place. I want to help, but not sure the job of registrar is my best avenue. I already miss my porch and my flowers. I love my house...but I have put it out there - and prayed extensively about this, that I will be used in whatever way I can do the most good.
We also talked about me doing some marketing. LOL - as much as I hated marketing for Holistic Fitness...doing some basic things for Sancta Sophia sounds like fun. Especially in St. Louis where I know everybody:) Who knows...maybe something will open up there:)
It's really odd to interview for a job and not be attatched to the job. I truly want them to get a really good person for this position and I want to help. I'm also not sure I'm quite ready to leave my house. Can you believe I was already missing my porch and flowers?
My flexibility is attractive. My computer skills are not...and, if I am in seminary, going to class and doing the job could be a challenge. So we left it open. She may need me to fill in for May...the current registrar is done at the end of April...and then who knows?
I hafta say I am relieved. I am truly not attracted to the job, I'm attracted to the place. I want to help, but not sure the job of registrar is my best avenue. I already miss my porch and my flowers. I love my house...but I have put it out there - and prayed extensively about this, that I will be used in whatever way I can do the most good.
We also talked about me doing some marketing. LOL - as much as I hated marketing for Holistic Fitness...doing some basic things for Sancta Sophia sounds like fun. Especially in St. Louis where I know everybody:) Who knows...maybe something will open up there:)
It's really odd to interview for a job and not be attatched to the job. I truly want them to get a really good person for this position and I want to help. I'm also not sure I'm quite ready to leave my house. Can you believe I was already missing my porch and flowers?
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Move to Oklahoma?? Take the job as registrar?
My brother John thinks it would be a great opportunity, Katie has serious reservations, and I just haven't gotten to yes...but I think I will. The pros are the professional opportunity that this job would provide. I would see the inner workings of a seminary, get to know many teachers and students, and be immersed in this community of environmentally active, spiritual seekers. The birds are also REALLY awesome, because there are so many trees around! This week in the middle of spring has been quite pretty, although I understand their summers can be very hot and dry.
The downside is that I would leave my house, my friends, my Alanon group and my team of healers. I might not see as much of Katie, although I can't plan on seeing her if I stay in St. Louis. Missing her is something I have to deal with no matter what. If I move here, I will have to pack stuff up and move - which I intensely dislike, and maybe even rent or sell my house if I like it here. I already miss my deck and screened-in porch, but I can't make a decision because of a screened-in porch! Can I?
Sometimes it seems like it is the next step in my adventure of life. I mean, these people are just as wierd and woowoo as I am, I would be living in their community and getting exposed to all these spiritual concepts on a regular basis, and I would be making professional contacts for my future with an MDiv. I would be gaining professional knowledge that would help me if I decide to teach, and this Dean has 15 years of experience as pastor of a church.
Then at other times I think, "I can't work 30 hours a week behind a desk!" I mean - I haven't worked 30 hours a week behind a desk ever! Holifit -I did so many things, and before that I was in physical therapy where I was always physically moving. Plus this job will require me to learn new stuff on the computer! I guess that's good and bad. There's also that thing of working for somebody else. It's been a LONG time since I was anything but a boss. Altho I learned more about getting along with people as a boss, than I did as an employee. Did I ever tell you about getting fired 5 times? No? Well, another time. suffice it to say, my history makes me nervous.
The Dean has suggested that I try it for 90 days...that's the legal requirement anyway...and if it doesn't work, I just move back to St. Louis. What's not to like with that option? Well, what if I muck up my relationship with the Dean? and I will be keeping the records of all my fellow students...that could be awkward...
Well, I could create all kinds of horrible scenarios...but the truth is I think I want to do this. The only thing holding me back are my house and Katie...and Katie isn't even an issue until November or December! Leaving my house empty for 3 months kinda sucks...and do you think I could get all my flower pots down here? with the flowers still alive?
Oh - there's the faith thing. Isn't God supposed to tell me in no uncertain terms? I'm going to continue listening and having faith that I am on the right path. Surely I would hear a "no", even if I don't recognize the "yes"! AND - what an honor that they even ask me! I am very complimented:)
Hey - and thanks for listening:)
The downside is that I would leave my house, my friends, my Alanon group and my team of healers. I might not see as much of Katie, although I can't plan on seeing her if I stay in St. Louis. Missing her is something I have to deal with no matter what. If I move here, I will have to pack stuff up and move - which I intensely dislike, and maybe even rent or sell my house if I like it here. I already miss my deck and screened-in porch, but I can't make a decision because of a screened-in porch! Can I?
Sometimes it seems like it is the next step in my adventure of life. I mean, these people are just as wierd and woowoo as I am, I would be living in their community and getting exposed to all these spiritual concepts on a regular basis, and I would be making professional contacts for my future with an MDiv. I would be gaining professional knowledge that would help me if I decide to teach, and this Dean has 15 years of experience as pastor of a church.
Then at other times I think, "I can't work 30 hours a week behind a desk!" I mean - I haven't worked 30 hours a week behind a desk ever! Holifit -I did so many things, and before that I was in physical therapy where I was always physically moving. Plus this job will require me to learn new stuff on the computer! I guess that's good and bad. There's also that thing of working for somebody else. It's been a LONG time since I was anything but a boss. Altho I learned more about getting along with people as a boss, than I did as an employee. Did I ever tell you about getting fired 5 times? No? Well, another time. suffice it to say, my history makes me nervous.
The Dean has suggested that I try it for 90 days...that's the legal requirement anyway...and if it doesn't work, I just move back to St. Louis. What's not to like with that option? Well, what if I muck up my relationship with the Dean? and I will be keeping the records of all my fellow students...that could be awkward...
Well, I could create all kinds of horrible scenarios...but the truth is I think I want to do this. The only thing holding me back are my house and Katie...and Katie isn't even an issue until November or December! Leaving my house empty for 3 months kinda sucks...and do you think I could get all my flower pots down here? with the flowers still alive?
Oh - there's the faith thing. Isn't God supposed to tell me in no uncertain terms? I'm going to continue listening and having faith that I am on the right path. Surely I would hear a "no", even if I don't recognize the "yes"! AND - what an honor that they even ask me! I am very complimented:)
Hey - and thanks for listening:)
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Signs and Symbols
Why was I in that wierd space before this week of seminary? I just don't know...but I was actually sort of pissed on the drive down here. Once I got here, I became a little concerned, b/c it felt like everyone was into Esoteric Christianity, and that I would have to adopt that as my new belief system...except I just wasn't ready to do that. That's when i saw the Pilated Woodpecker, the Blue Jay and all the vultures.
Symbolically, (see Animal Speak) the woodpecker is about seeing things clearly. It's black and white coloring symbolize being able to cross between the physical and spiritual, while it's red head is about mental analysis and inspiration.
The Blue Jay is about using your personal power properly and allowing others to use their power. The vultures are about restoring harmony, purification and the ability to ride the thermals...or use the power available to you, effectively.
What this all meant to me, was to allow myself my own belief system...while at the same time, learning from others. It all seems very applicable to being in seminary. There are lots of strong beliefs here - and while I want to be open and learn lots of new spiritual information...I don't want to just go with any concept that someone tries to push. The greatest gift is discernment. I'm guessing I will get to adjust to that concept many, many times.
And btw - I was offered the job of registrar here. I'm thinking very seriously about moving to Oklahoma. The birds are awesome! and think of all the money I would save in gas! More later.
Symbolically, (see Animal Speak) the woodpecker is about seeing things clearly. It's black and white coloring symbolize being able to cross between the physical and spiritual, while it's red head is about mental analysis and inspiration.
The Blue Jay is about using your personal power properly and allowing others to use their power. The vultures are about restoring harmony, purification and the ability to ride the thermals...or use the power available to you, effectively.
What this all meant to me, was to allow myself my own belief system...while at the same time, learning from others. It all seems very applicable to being in seminary. There are lots of strong beliefs here - and while I want to be open and learn lots of new spiritual information...I don't want to just go with any concept that someone tries to push. The greatest gift is discernment. I'm guessing I will get to adjust to that concept many, many times.
And btw - I was offered the job of registrar here. I'm thinking very seriously about moving to Oklahoma. The birds are awesome! and think of all the money I would save in gas! More later.
Monday, April 11, 2011
The New Tahlequah
It's been a month since I last posted. How time flies. Since I haven't heard from any of you, have you missed my blog? My enthusiasm has waned a bit, but I have been in a very wierd space for the last coupla weeks. Still don't know what it was all about - you would think being on an Olivia cruise would put me in a very good place...but it just didn't. A friend described it as very "surface" - and other than the friend Sherri, that I met - I would agree with that assessment.
I was also missing Katie - and a little annoyed that I was leaving as she was getting home. The good news is that she had a wonderful trip in Israel and made notes to be sure she told me all the funny stories. My daughter is delightful, and we did have a wonderful 4 days when I got home. It's never enough time - but it wouldn't be enough time if she lived with me. I know parents that complain when their children move home... but Katie can live with me anytime!
So I am now back in Tahlequah, taking my 2nd class in seminary. Esoteric Christianity. Today was just setting the foundation of what was going on in Jesus time. We talked about who actually wrote the gospels, who they were writing to and when they were written. Puts a whole new slant on things. For instance - the authors of Matthew, Mark and Luke are "unknown"! Only John is considered a known quantity...and he also wrote Revelations.
One thing pointed out today, that had never occurred to me before...(duh) - was how "into" Jesus lineage everyone was. Remember all the "begats" in Matthew? Referring some 14 generations, 3 different times...except...wasn't Jesus a virgin birth? So who cares what his lineage was? Except of course, scholars don't believe in a virgin birth...silly us. FYI - virgin is not about sex, but about purity of purpose, "power in the path". I know, I know...I will at least be in good company when I am burned at the stake.
So on to more entertaining subjects. Little Bit is having the time of her life! I am staying near the seminary with a family who lives in the country. LB just runs and runs...showing off her speed and joy. I, however, wasn't so joyful, when she came back with chicken poop all over her back. What is it with dogs and needing to roll in disgusting things? She wasn't so happy with the bath - but since she is sleeping with me here...it had to be done. eeww The real question...will she be willing to sleep in the basement when we get home?
I was also missing Katie - and a little annoyed that I was leaving as she was getting home. The good news is that she had a wonderful trip in Israel and made notes to be sure she told me all the funny stories. My daughter is delightful, and we did have a wonderful 4 days when I got home. It's never enough time - but it wouldn't be enough time if she lived with me. I know parents that complain when their children move home... but Katie can live with me anytime!
So I am now back in Tahlequah, taking my 2nd class in seminary. Esoteric Christianity. Today was just setting the foundation of what was going on in Jesus time. We talked about who actually wrote the gospels, who they were writing to and when they were written. Puts a whole new slant on things. For instance - the authors of Matthew, Mark and Luke are "unknown"! Only John is considered a known quantity...and he also wrote Revelations.
One thing pointed out today, that had never occurred to me before...(duh) - was how "into" Jesus lineage everyone was. Remember all the "begats" in Matthew? Referring some 14 generations, 3 different times...except...wasn't Jesus a virgin birth? So who cares what his lineage was? Except of course, scholars don't believe in a virgin birth...silly us. FYI - virgin is not about sex, but about purity of purpose, "power in the path". I know, I know...I will at least be in good company when I am burned at the stake.
So on to more entertaining subjects. Little Bit is having the time of her life! I am staying near the seminary with a family who lives in the country. LB just runs and runs...showing off her speed and joy. I, however, wasn't so joyful, when she came back with chicken poop all over her back. What is it with dogs and needing to roll in disgusting things? She wasn't so happy with the bath - but since she is sleeping with me here...it had to be done. eeww The real question...will she be willing to sleep in the basement when we get home?
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Dogs
Thought I would give you all a change of pace from my spiritual quest:) I have been writing my first "graduate level" paper and I am worn out!
So my dog Little Bit...she is 14# and a rescued Schnauzer. She was a "puppy mill momma" and was quite traumatized when I got her. She didn't know how to go up stairs (she still is quite clumsy), she didn't know what grass was, and she didn't know how to cross a threshold. When I would take her out in the yard to pee, she would look at me like, "What? What is this stuff? You want me to pee? here?" and she would go to the sidewalk...somewhere concrete, and pee.
In the 2 years that I have had her, she has made amazing progress. She LOVES to run around my yard, up and back, as if to show off. "Mom, watch how fast I am!" We walk every day and she pulls on the leash, rather than laying down in fear. She is working on training me in how to play. All the dog games I know, she doesn't, and we haven't quite figured out what to do. She does race around the house in circles, running under my bed and peaking out from under the bed skirt.
However. I made the HUGE mistake of letting her try whatever food I was eating. She will eat bananas, apples, carrots, beans...in fact, the only food I have seen her NOT eat is celery, or anything with Balsamic vinegar on it. So. She now EXPECTS to be given some of what I have and her begging has gotten quite obnoxious. So I stopped feeding her tidbits...and she started barking at me. My own dog is giving my attitude. My daughter didn't give me attitude, but my dog is. Must be paybacks.
"Well!" I thought. This is not going to continue. I will tell her no or ignore her, and yes, she did finally stop and go away. But only after she went where I couldn't see her and pee'd on the carpet. The little shit! So I have yet to figure out how to fix this little problem. At the moment she is going into her kennel in the basement when I start to fix a meal. What a pain in the butt. And the worst part? It's my own damn fault.
So my dog Little Bit...she is 14# and a rescued Schnauzer. She was a "puppy mill momma" and was quite traumatized when I got her. She didn't know how to go up stairs (she still is quite clumsy), she didn't know what grass was, and she didn't know how to cross a threshold. When I would take her out in the yard to pee, she would look at me like, "What? What is this stuff? You want me to pee? here?" and she would go to the sidewalk...somewhere concrete, and pee.
In the 2 years that I have had her, she has made amazing progress. She LOVES to run around my yard, up and back, as if to show off. "Mom, watch how fast I am!" We walk every day and she pulls on the leash, rather than laying down in fear. She is working on training me in how to play. All the dog games I know, she doesn't, and we haven't quite figured out what to do. She does race around the house in circles, running under my bed and peaking out from under the bed skirt.
However. I made the HUGE mistake of letting her try whatever food I was eating. She will eat bananas, apples, carrots, beans...in fact, the only food I have seen her NOT eat is celery, or anything with Balsamic vinegar on it. So. She now EXPECTS to be given some of what I have and her begging has gotten quite obnoxious. So I stopped feeding her tidbits...and she started barking at me. My own dog is giving my attitude. My daughter didn't give me attitude, but my dog is. Must be paybacks.
"Well!" I thought. This is not going to continue. I will tell her no or ignore her, and yes, she did finally stop and go away. But only after she went where I couldn't see her and pee'd on the carpet. The little shit! So I have yet to figure out how to fix this little problem. At the moment she is going into her kennel in the basement when I start to fix a meal. What a pain in the butt. And the worst part? It's my own damn fault.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
You Love Me Anyway
So seminary homework has really got me thinking. You know, small concepts, like who God really is, what is forgiveness, and how do you deal with those people whose beliefs are diametrically opposed to your beliefs?
The latter question is on my mind, b/c I am going to my young cousin's wedding next weekend...in Wichita, Kansas. Yes, the state that believes the Bible's creation story should be included in science classes on creation. Now, my family in Wichita - they love me. They just do...in spite of myself and in spite of their religious beliefs. You know - there's that Lesbian thing, then I'm divorced, owned my own company, am rather opinionated (or I'm just right! HA) and now? I'm in seminary. A female. A Lesbian...in seminary. Life is never boring.
So when I first came out as a Lesbian, my cousin Bob (from Wichita) wrote me a letter saying how he knew Jesus could save me and how he loved me anyway. (Is it any wonder I did not have a warm and fuzzy relationship with Jesus, coming into seminary?) Now the truth is, Bob wrote that letter out of his love for me, misguided tho' I think the message was. However, I was not anywhere near mature enough to take it as a message of love, but instead took it as a judgement on me. I mean, "I love you anyway"...is judgemental and condescending - but it was Bob's issue, not mine.
The thing is - when Dad died, my extended family, extended themselves. They were THERE for me. Mom and I were with Dad when he died and it was a confusing mess that day. To complicate matters, brother John was literally in the middle of moving when I called him with the news, and needed a day to get settled.
Dad's sister Ruth and her husband, Vic, just happened to be visiting. I would never have chosen them to help me through a crisis, but that just shows what I didn't know. They fed us, answered the phone, packed us to go to the farm, and just loved Mom. I was able to write the obituary, plan the funeral, make all the arrangements (please - plan this now for yourself...don't make your children do it. It is horrific.) and (vomit) go pick out the casket. My aunt Ruth even let me vent about how horrible the funeral home was, in spite of her own grief.
Long story short...I learned that my family loved me in an indisputable way. They also saw how much I loved my father, how patient I was with my mother, and loved a new side of me. It was a time of healing and transformation. It showed me the Christ spirit in a very tangible way, I never would have thought possible...and I hope, for them as well.
Next weekend, we get to celebrate, rather than mourn. How wonderful! LOL - and even tho I know my family is hoping I won't embarress them (I'm taking the Lesbian sticker off my forehead), I hope I am a positive addition to their celebration of love. What I know is that I love them and they love me, and I am proud of my young cousin for his journey as well. To me, this is a concrete example of how the world could get along, if it would just try.
Namaste'
The latter question is on my mind, b/c I am going to my young cousin's wedding next weekend...in Wichita, Kansas. Yes, the state that believes the Bible's creation story should be included in science classes on creation. Now, my family in Wichita - they love me. They just do...in spite of myself and in spite of their religious beliefs. You know - there's that Lesbian thing, then I'm divorced, owned my own company, am rather opinionated (or I'm just right! HA) and now? I'm in seminary. A female. A Lesbian...in seminary. Life is never boring.
So when I first came out as a Lesbian, my cousin Bob (from Wichita) wrote me a letter saying how he knew Jesus could save me and how he loved me anyway. (Is it any wonder I did not have a warm and fuzzy relationship with Jesus, coming into seminary?) Now the truth is, Bob wrote that letter out of his love for me, misguided tho' I think the message was. However, I was not anywhere near mature enough to take it as a message of love, but instead took it as a judgement on me. I mean, "I love you anyway"...is judgemental and condescending - but it was Bob's issue, not mine.
The thing is - when Dad died, my extended family, extended themselves. They were THERE for me. Mom and I were with Dad when he died and it was a confusing mess that day. To complicate matters, brother John was literally in the middle of moving when I called him with the news, and needed a day to get settled.
Dad's sister Ruth and her husband, Vic, just happened to be visiting. I would never have chosen them to help me through a crisis, but that just shows what I didn't know. They fed us, answered the phone, packed us to go to the farm, and just loved Mom. I was able to write the obituary, plan the funeral, make all the arrangements (please - plan this now for yourself...don't make your children do it. It is horrific.) and (vomit) go pick out the casket. My aunt Ruth even let me vent about how horrible the funeral home was, in spite of her own grief.
Long story short...I learned that my family loved me in an indisputable way. They also saw how much I loved my father, how patient I was with my mother, and loved a new side of me. It was a time of healing and transformation. It showed me the Christ spirit in a very tangible way, I never would have thought possible...and I hope, for them as well.
Next weekend, we get to celebrate, rather than mourn. How wonderful! LOL - and even tho I know my family is hoping I won't embarress them (I'm taking the Lesbian sticker off my forehead), I hope I am a positive addition to their celebration of love. What I know is that I love them and they love me, and I am proud of my young cousin for his journey as well. To me, this is a concrete example of how the world could get along, if it would just try.
Namaste'
Saturday, March 12, 2011
When Are YOU in the Spirit?
Have I mentioned that I love seminary? Just today, I had an email conversation with the Dean, (yes, I had a conversation with the Dean - ha! I love it) about this book we are reading for class. The Phoenix Affirmations by Eric Elnes. We were talking about how everyone invokes God when they pray and when they are in a worship service - but does anyone expect God to respond or appear? especially as He did in the Bible? Think of burning bushes, Paul being blinded, the Red Sea parting, Jesus raising the dead...you know, everyday occurrences.
If the Gospels are to be believed, Jesus had more than a few rather dramatic moments invoking God. Yet, we don't see the healing drama much anymore. Now Christian Scientist's believe in and practice physical healing - but I don't know if they would describe it in the way the disciples describe Jesus healing or invoking God. I have experienced instantaneous healing (see previous blog), and it was quite dramatic - but it was quite a surprise to me...I certainly wasn't expecting it. It seems to me, Jesus expected God to heal...and went out on a limb to prove it.
So why do you think we don't see dramatic healing in everyday living? or do you and you're just afraid of being crucified? (huh - see previous blog) So my real question is - How do you experience healing? How do you experience God? What causes you to feel "in the Spirit"? Ok - so there are 3 questions. My math was never good. I really want to know, btw.
I have experienced God in Christian worship...and in Pagan celebration...also in energy work. Today I experienced God when I saw that my flower seeds had sprouted:) Yea God! I also experienced and saw healing happen in a Synergia (specific energy work) social get-together.
These Synergia practitioners are powerful people. Mostly women, but not exclusive - and they heal for a living. I started to get a headache at the party. My story was that I was not used to being around a group of people who live in such high energy. So I asked for their help in dissipating the headache, which they gave.
I experienced physical healing, but also emotional and spiritual. First of all, it's a big deal for me to ask for help and certainly to trust that people would respond. They responded immediately and with full intention. My healing was also about being shown love and respect, given with compassion and zest.
I have also experienced this love, respect and compassion at Diana's Grove...a Pagan retreat center. Isn't that interesting??? What if it's not about Jesus? Altho' I have to say, I have experience love, respect, & compassion at Metropolitan Community Church as well - especially in their music...and they are ALL about Jesus. And - I experienced God at Sancta Sophia and also everytime I do homework. Ain't that somethin'?!
I suppose it could be argued that it is about Christ...the spirit, not the person. I'm good with that - just so long as we can stay open about where and when Christ appears. I think we are far more concerned with dogma and definitions than any "being" in the Trinity:)
Really and truly - tell me how you feel, see, experience God. I need to know...I'm in seminary! Consider it helping me with my homework. Please let me know - if not by posting here, then email me. It's all good.
Namaste'
If the Gospels are to be believed, Jesus had more than a few rather dramatic moments invoking God. Yet, we don't see the healing drama much anymore. Now Christian Scientist's believe in and practice physical healing - but I don't know if they would describe it in the way the disciples describe Jesus healing or invoking God. I have experienced instantaneous healing (see previous blog), and it was quite dramatic - but it was quite a surprise to me...I certainly wasn't expecting it. It seems to me, Jesus expected God to heal...and went out on a limb to prove it.
So why do you think we don't see dramatic healing in everyday living? or do you and you're just afraid of being crucified? (huh - see previous blog) So my real question is - How do you experience healing? How do you experience God? What causes you to feel "in the Spirit"? Ok - so there are 3 questions. My math was never good. I really want to know, btw.
I have experienced God in Christian worship...and in Pagan celebration...also in energy work. Today I experienced God when I saw that my flower seeds had sprouted:) Yea God! I also experienced and saw healing happen in a Synergia (specific energy work) social get-together.
These Synergia practitioners are powerful people. Mostly women, but not exclusive - and they heal for a living. I started to get a headache at the party. My story was that I was not used to being around a group of people who live in such high energy. So I asked for their help in dissipating the headache, which they gave.
I experienced physical healing, but also emotional and spiritual. First of all, it's a big deal for me to ask for help and certainly to trust that people would respond. They responded immediately and with full intention. My healing was also about being shown love and respect, given with compassion and zest.
I have also experienced this love, respect and compassion at Diana's Grove...a Pagan retreat center. Isn't that interesting??? What if it's not about Jesus? Altho' I have to say, I have experience love, respect, & compassion at Metropolitan Community Church as well - especially in their music...and they are ALL about Jesus. And - I experienced God at Sancta Sophia and also everytime I do homework. Ain't that somethin'?!
I suppose it could be argued that it is about Christ...the spirit, not the person. I'm good with that - just so long as we can stay open about where and when Christ appears. I think we are far more concerned with dogma and definitions than any "being" in the Trinity:)
Really and truly - tell me how you feel, see, experience God. I need to know...I'm in seminary! Consider it helping me with my homework. Please let me know - if not by posting here, then email me. It's all good.
Namaste'
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Hafiz - the great Sufi Master
I love Hafiz. He can describe God in a way you have truly never thought of...and then make you burst out laughing. I think elephants were sacred...
The Sun in Drag
You are the Sun in drag.
You are God hiding from yourself.
Remove all the "mine" - that is the veil.
Why ever worry about
Anything?
Listen to what your friend Hafiz
Knows for certain:
The appearance of this world
Is a Magi's brilliant trick, though its affairs are
Nothing into nothing.
You are a divine elephant with amnesia
Trying to live in an ant
Hole.
Sweetheart, O Sweetheart
You are God in
Drag!
The Great Religions
The Great religions are the
Ships,
Poets, the life
Boats.
Every sane person I know has jumped
Overboard.
That is good for business
Isn't it
Hafiz?
Namaste';)
The Sun in Drag
You are the Sun in drag.
You are God hiding from yourself.
Remove all the "mine" - that is the veil.
Why ever worry about
Anything?
Listen to what your friend Hafiz
Knows for certain:
The appearance of this world
Is a Magi's brilliant trick, though its affairs are
Nothing into nothing.
You are a divine elephant with amnesia
Trying to live in an ant
Hole.
Sweetheart, O Sweetheart
You are God in
Drag!
The Great Religions
The Great religions are the
Ships,
Poets, the life
Boats.
Every sane person I know has jumped
Overboard.
That is good for business
Isn't it
Hafiz?
Namaste';)
Friday, March 4, 2011
Sacred Space
What makes a place or thing sacred? I have a friend who feels her family farm is sacred, where she buried her dogs, and her childhood church. Her question..."Are the places themselves sacred or do my experiences make them sacred?" Probably both. The answer to so many questions.
The churches that Katie and I went to in France...several were sacred to me - Notre Dame, Mont St. Michel, and the smaller one next to Sacre Coeur...why them and not others that we saw? My story is the blood, sweat and prayer that went into them...but who knows why I responded to them - probably my own experiences coming through, even in a place that was new for me.
Sacred is a feeling for me. And one of the things that creates great sacred feelings for me - David Whyte's poetry. Mameen. The Hazel Wood. Start Close In. Dun Aengus. The Seven Streams. Now maybe it's b/c I was there this summer. In fact, I'm sure his poetry would not be so powerful if I had not been to the places he is talking about. Yet, his poem, Arrivals, about the 2 African women and their introduction into Dullus airport...so powerful...yet I have never been to Dullus, nor do I know these women. (btw - if you are going to experience David Whyte's poetry, do it with him reading them...CD. Just so colorful and full of texture)
Listen to this..."let your vulnerabilities walking on the cracked, sliding limestone, be this time, not a weakness, but a faculty for understanding what's about to happen"...I think that is brilliant...so descriptive of how when I can let go, not judge myself and just trust...well, it's just brilliant. (7 Streams)
Now those of you who are so brave and courageous, and mostly patient, to read my blog, are probably thinking..."where the hell is she going with this?" Katie is laughing, b/c I'm so...well, me. So I am "going" into the thoughts that my friend Ola brought out, by asking me what I thought of her cutting her dreads. (Don't even try to follow my line of reasoning, it will make you as crazy as I am)
She has had her dreads for almost 10 years. There are so many experiences, poignant moments, tears and laughter in those dreads. They are what first caught my eye about her. LOL I told her they were "hot!" and she said, "They sure are". We were talking about 2 very different kinds of heat:)
Her dreads for me, are as sacred as those churches we visited in France. or my deck. or poetry. Does that mean she shouldn't cut them? Not at all. They are just very symbolic of all she has been through, all we have been through together. They are like my father's work gloves that sit on my fireplace mantel. Ola's dreads are the essence of her. They smell like her, feel like her. Perhaps tho - to cut them, is to cut some weight from her life, of who she used to be...grateful for what she has learned, but so ready to move on. Whatever she decides to do...I honor her process...it is sacred, too.
The churches that Katie and I went to in France...several were sacred to me - Notre Dame, Mont St. Michel, and the smaller one next to Sacre Coeur...why them and not others that we saw? My story is the blood, sweat and prayer that went into them...but who knows why I responded to them - probably my own experiences coming through, even in a place that was new for me.
Sacred is a feeling for me. And one of the things that creates great sacred feelings for me - David Whyte's poetry. Mameen. The Hazel Wood. Start Close In. Dun Aengus. The Seven Streams. Now maybe it's b/c I was there this summer. In fact, I'm sure his poetry would not be so powerful if I had not been to the places he is talking about. Yet, his poem, Arrivals, about the 2 African women and their introduction into Dullus airport...so powerful...yet I have never been to Dullus, nor do I know these women. (btw - if you are going to experience David Whyte's poetry, do it with him reading them...CD. Just so colorful and full of texture)
Listen to this..."let your vulnerabilities walking on the cracked, sliding limestone, be this time, not a weakness, but a faculty for understanding what's about to happen"...I think that is brilliant...so descriptive of how when I can let go, not judge myself and just trust...well, it's just brilliant. (7 Streams)
Now those of you who are so brave and courageous, and mostly patient, to read my blog, are probably thinking..."where the hell is she going with this?" Katie is laughing, b/c I'm so...well, me. So I am "going" into the thoughts that my friend Ola brought out, by asking me what I thought of her cutting her dreads. (Don't even try to follow my line of reasoning, it will make you as crazy as I am)
She has had her dreads for almost 10 years. There are so many experiences, poignant moments, tears and laughter in those dreads. They are what first caught my eye about her. LOL I told her they were "hot!" and she said, "They sure are". We were talking about 2 very different kinds of heat:)
Her dreads for me, are as sacred as those churches we visited in France. or my deck. or poetry. Does that mean she shouldn't cut them? Not at all. They are just very symbolic of all she has been through, all we have been through together. They are like my father's work gloves that sit on my fireplace mantel. Ola's dreads are the essence of her. They smell like her, feel like her. Perhaps tho - to cut them, is to cut some weight from her life, of who she used to be...grateful for what she has learned, but so ready to move on. Whatever she decides to do...I honor her process...it is sacred, too.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
Jesus as a Spirit Person
One of the questions Marcus Borg (Jesus Scholar) asks, "What was your childhood image of Jesus?" I find that I remember stories about Jesus...he was someone to be revered, but not understood. For me, raised in Christian Science, I did not think of Jesus as "God", but the son of God, the Christ, the "bridge" to understanding God - but I don't know that Jesus really helped. As Borg points out in his own childhood memories...his belief about Jesus seemed fine until he got into adulthood and then his belief system didn't hold up. That's how I feel.
I wanted to believe in Jesus...I wanted to believe in his healing ability and that I could do that too. That's what he says, right? But that would lead me to thinking about him being tortured and then crucified. And think about it. If suddenly I started healing people...the blind, crippled, diseased, dead...people would throw a fit! They certainly wouldn't believe it was God. Have you seen what they do to healers who have found cures for cancer?? Buried them, literally and figuratively.
Well, I can assure you, I am not quite to that level yet, so none of you need to make plans to visit me in jail. What I do relate to from Borg's description of Jesus, is that Jesus was a "spirit person". He doesn't use "holy man" b/c he believes both words cause the true meaning to be obscured. Borg appreciates that a "spirit person" can be female (thank you) and that "holy" is like the word "god"...we all equate different meanings to it. So to Borg, "spirit person is to whom the sacred is an experiential reality." This, I can relate to. This I have experienced.
I have experienced healing, too - but not in the way the Bible describes Jesus doing it...and certainly not with the consistency and numbers that Jesus did. Borg says we don't know if Jesus really healed anybody...what we do know, is that the gospels are trying to portray that Jesus was a powerful "spirit person", one who is still powerful today. Is this the meaning of "everlasting life"? I mean, people still talk about this man who's been dead 2000 years and still feel his presence in their lives! (I hear the Easter song...He lives!)
What I know, is that learning all this about Jesus, is giving Jesus back to me. AND! my friends, Ola, Mary and Amy...they all had positive doctor appts today! I like to think my prayers helped, but it's enough that they had better days. Amen and Hallelujah!
I wanted to believe in Jesus...I wanted to believe in his healing ability and that I could do that too. That's what he says, right? But that would lead me to thinking about him being tortured and then crucified. And think about it. If suddenly I started healing people...the blind, crippled, diseased, dead...people would throw a fit! They certainly wouldn't believe it was God. Have you seen what they do to healers who have found cures for cancer?? Buried them, literally and figuratively.
Well, I can assure you, I am not quite to that level yet, so none of you need to make plans to visit me in jail. What I do relate to from Borg's description of Jesus, is that Jesus was a "spirit person". He doesn't use "holy man" b/c he believes both words cause the true meaning to be obscured. Borg appreciates that a "spirit person" can be female (thank you) and that "holy" is like the word "god"...we all equate different meanings to it. So to Borg, "spirit person is to whom the sacred is an experiential reality." This, I can relate to. This I have experienced.
I have experienced healing, too - but not in the way the Bible describes Jesus doing it...and certainly not with the consistency and numbers that Jesus did. Borg says we don't know if Jesus really healed anybody...what we do know, is that the gospels are trying to portray that Jesus was a powerful "spirit person", one who is still powerful today. Is this the meaning of "everlasting life"? I mean, people still talk about this man who's been dead 2000 years and still feel his presence in their lives! (I hear the Easter song...He lives!)
What I know, is that learning all this about Jesus, is giving Jesus back to me. AND! my friends, Ola, Mary and Amy...they all had positive doctor appts today! I like to think my prayers helped, but it's enough that they had better days. Amen and Hallelujah!
Sunday, February 27, 2011
How to Help
So my friend Ola, is going in for a major dr's appt Wednesday. Then my friend Amy is going in for a "tissue expander" appt following a mastectomy (very painful) - on Wed. Then my friend Mary, emailed and said she is going in for a diagnostic appt, yep, on Wed!, to see if she has to have her spleen out! Damn! What is goin' on???
I want to help. I'm gonna be a minister - shouldn't I be able to offer some sort of comfort or help? Fear, grief, despair...we all experience it so differently and thus, are comforted in such different ways. So I prayed...or meditated or something. And I got this sort of pulsing. I don't know what it is. I experienced it for the first time at Sancta Sophia and noticed that during our meditation time, the person leading it was swaying to the same rhythm that I felt. Hmm. The people at SSS feel this mystical power from the mountain that it is set on...well, I will keep you posted.
So what about Jesus? I thought, while I was praying...could Jesus help here? and I thought of him as a politician, but also as a son. The people he healed...you know, there weren't 1000's...just a chosen few. Why is that? Were the healed more "open" or "willing"...or was it a political move? That is is a scary thought.
Yet we certainly have to be willing to be healed to experience healing...however you define healing. Sometimes, in my experience, healing isn't about "cure"...for instance, my mother has not been "healed" of Alzheimers, but she has given my brother and I the opportunity to love each other in a deeper, more alive way. That is healing. Yet, if I could, I would take away the fear, the pain, the disability of my friends...even while I know, at least on some level, that this is their path and they must walk it. To take it away, is to have them repeat it. We are stubborn learners, we humans.
So my prayer is this, "Father, Mother God. Please hold my friends close. Let them feel your Presence...have them be absolutely sure that You are there with them. Let them see Light, so that they know where to put their feet. Give them strength, Lord...hold their hand, hold their heart. Kiss them softly on the forehead. Let them know You are there. Absolutely."
Namaste'
I want to help. I'm gonna be a minister - shouldn't I be able to offer some sort of comfort or help? Fear, grief, despair...we all experience it so differently and thus, are comforted in such different ways. So I prayed...or meditated or something. And I got this sort of pulsing. I don't know what it is. I experienced it for the first time at Sancta Sophia and noticed that during our meditation time, the person leading it was swaying to the same rhythm that I felt. Hmm. The people at SSS feel this mystical power from the mountain that it is set on...well, I will keep you posted.
So what about Jesus? I thought, while I was praying...could Jesus help here? and I thought of him as a politician, but also as a son. The people he healed...you know, there weren't 1000's...just a chosen few. Why is that? Were the healed more "open" or "willing"...or was it a political move? That is is a scary thought.
Yet we certainly have to be willing to be healed to experience healing...however you define healing. Sometimes, in my experience, healing isn't about "cure"...for instance, my mother has not been "healed" of Alzheimers, but she has given my brother and I the opportunity to love each other in a deeper, more alive way. That is healing. Yet, if I could, I would take away the fear, the pain, the disability of my friends...even while I know, at least on some level, that this is their path and they must walk it. To take it away, is to have them repeat it. We are stubborn learners, we humans.
So my prayer is this, "Father, Mother God. Please hold my friends close. Let them feel your Presence...have them be absolutely sure that You are there with them. Let them see Light, so that they know where to put their feet. Give them strength, Lord...hold their hand, hold their heart. Kiss them softly on the forehead. Let them know You are there. Absolutely."
Namaste'
Friday, February 25, 2011
I Found It
I really didn't think I had one, but since I found it, I guess it was lost:) My calling. I found my calling. I love this school...being in this seminary. For our closing ritual today...for the week...we had communion. Then the instructor asked us to have a gratitude share...and I just started crying. There was no way I could talk, at least not without sobbing - and I wasn't quite ready to do that yet.
My pattern is to jump into something or get inspired about something and then lose it. The inspiration, the interest, the desire...everything. But I have never felt this way. I went back over my class notes every night - just b/c they were so interesting. I thoroughly enjoyed writing my reflection paper. I'm looking forward to the reading and paper due at the end of March. I'm fantasizing about the weddings and funerals, comfort and joy that I will share with people as an ordained minister. I am looking forward to volunteering for hospice.
Yes. I hope it continues...these feelings. I'm sure there will be blogs when I am sick of it, or wishing to read without highlighting, or please! not one more paper! But right now? I am thrilled. and the good news? I get to go back in April for 2 weeks:) I'm working on being able to take Little Bit. We'll see.
My pattern is to jump into something or get inspired about something and then lose it. The inspiration, the interest, the desire...everything. But I have never felt this way. I went back over my class notes every night - just b/c they were so interesting. I thoroughly enjoyed writing my reflection paper. I'm looking forward to the reading and paper due at the end of March. I'm fantasizing about the weddings and funerals, comfort and joy that I will share with people as an ordained minister. I am looking forward to volunteering for hospice.
Yes. I hope it continues...these feelings. I'm sure there will be blogs when I am sick of it, or wishing to read without highlighting, or please! not one more paper! But right now? I am thrilled. and the good news? I get to go back in April for 2 weeks:) I'm working on being able to take Little Bit. We'll see.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Kindom of God
Yes, kindom...rather than kingdom. Much more inclusive, don't you think? So today in graduate school, I got to make a collage of what my "kindom of God" looks like and then we all went to the Dean's house for dinner. I don't even have to make a donation:) I also wrote my first reflective paper - it's 2 1/2 pages and was quite fun to write. Don't get me wrong - I would do none of this if I wasn't getting credit! But it is so nice to be doing it for credit and find it so interesting and fun!
So class today was on the concept that Easter is not about Jesus and the resurrection, but about how Jesus still lives today. The scholars we are studying propose that it is irrelevant what happened to Jesus body. The poignancy is how people still feel Jesus in their lives. The scholars feel the proof for Jesus being "Lord" and for God loving the world, is in how people still feel the presence of Jesus - both mystically and personally. The big deal is that Jesus is still a best seller, the single most talked about being on the planet - ever, and that his Daddy still loves the world through people trying to be like him...imperfect though it is.
I just find it all fascinating. We will have God in our lives...no matter what. And that folks, is why I am here.
So class today was on the concept that Easter is not about Jesus and the resurrection, but about how Jesus still lives today. The scholars we are studying propose that it is irrelevant what happened to Jesus body. The poignancy is how people still feel Jesus in their lives. The scholars feel the proof for Jesus being "Lord" and for God loving the world, is in how people still feel the presence of Jesus - both mystically and personally. The big deal is that Jesus is still a best seller, the single most talked about being on the planet - ever, and that his Daddy still loves the world through people trying to be like him...imperfect though it is.
I just find it all fascinating. We will have God in our lives...no matter what. And that folks, is why I am here.
Chicago Style Footnotes
You have got to be kidding me. There are people so anal retentive, that they care if you put a comma after an author's name in a footnote. So glad that is not my passion. We are using "Chicago" style footnoting...or Kate...who has 7 editions to her book...on footnotes. Well, I have a lot to learn.
Other than that...I am still loving Sancta Sophia! Did you know there was an entire theology that is called, Esoteric Christianity? They talk of there being 4 major players in Jesus time...Sadducees, Pharisees, Zealots and Esseens. Esoteric believes that Jesus grew up with the Esseens...that they kept him hidden and protected and then released him to the world in a calculated and political movement to stop Roman oppression. They also believe that Jesus was such a "big" figure energetically, spiritually, you know - God-like, that he could hold the energy of the world, and when he was crucified, his blood dripping onto the Earth, raised human consciousness.
Ain't that somethin'? Actually, I am getting a lot of new info about Jesus...we are studying the work of 2 scholars, John Crossan and Marcus Borg. Extremely well know as Jesus scholars. According to them, Jesus main gig was not, "love the Lord your God with all your heart. etc" but
1) Heal the sick
2) Eat food with those you heal, and
3) God is in this activity.
I find this to be fascinating, both literally, figuratively and practically. Try it and get back to me:)
Other than that...I am still loving Sancta Sophia! Did you know there was an entire theology that is called, Esoteric Christianity? They talk of there being 4 major players in Jesus time...Sadducees, Pharisees, Zealots and Esseens. Esoteric believes that Jesus grew up with the Esseens...that they kept him hidden and protected and then released him to the world in a calculated and political movement to stop Roman oppression. They also believe that Jesus was such a "big" figure energetically, spiritually, you know - God-like, that he could hold the energy of the world, and when he was crucified, his blood dripping onto the Earth, raised human consciousness.
Ain't that somethin'? Actually, I am getting a lot of new info about Jesus...we are studying the work of 2 scholars, John Crossan and Marcus Borg. Extremely well know as Jesus scholars. According to them, Jesus main gig was not, "love the Lord your God with all your heart. etc" but
1) Heal the sick
2) Eat food with those you heal, and
3) God is in this activity.
I find this to be fascinating, both literally, figuratively and practically. Try it and get back to me:)
Monday, February 21, 2011
Can It Really Be This Good?
I mean, so far? Seminary is awesome!!! and my friend, Linda, who is getting her doctorate here, continues to love it! Says she will continue to come back even after she finishes. I have to say, I have never sat thro any 3 hour class without getting sleepy before, but today? i was riveted to my seat! It was all on progressive theology and how we got where we are in this moment of history. They even connect it to the astrological signs of the times. I am revisiting so many old beliefs and judgements!
The basics. They have dorm rooms on campus for $20 per night, single occupancy:) with my own bathroom. Big rooms, with community kitchen - really quite nice. I do wish the beds were a little softer, but it is what it is. I did have to go into town and get dinner supplies...they didn't let me know they only served lunch! I brought breakfast stuff b/c I'm picky...but didn't know about dinner. i also need to bring my own water...they are on a well, and it tastes funny.
So i realize I have only been here for 1 day and 1 class...but I really was fascinated by the whole class! Interesting conversation, teacher is fantastic, and the future looks awesome! Chaplaincy is one of the few careers that is increasing, rather than downsizing. All those baby boomers are coming to term, ya know? My mother is a perfect example, and people are looking for support and comfort as America gets more and more unhealthy. Sidebar...quit using your microwave and drink good water!
It's going to take me 3 years to get my MDiv - but in that time, I can also get ordained and be certified to teach. I don't know that I want a church, but I do want lots of options. I will have to write lots of papers, but I have found this blog to be most enriching, so maybe I will like writing papers as well. The first assignment is a 2-3 page reflection paper due this Friday. I am to consider 2 aspects of Jesus and his time which are new to me and challenge my previous beliefs about Jesus, the Christ. Included in the reflection is the impact of this new information on my life.
Is that not awesome??? Granted, doing this sort of reflection and putting it into 2-3 pages of legible writing is going to be new...but is that not an interesting topic??? Ok - you may not all be freaks like me, but I am really looking forward to getting the new info that will enable me to write the paper...and I like to write and certainly have the time! It's good to be 51 and have found something I am really interested in and other people who are interested in the same things!!! God is good, all the time!
The basics. They have dorm rooms on campus for $20 per night, single occupancy:) with my own bathroom. Big rooms, with community kitchen - really quite nice. I do wish the beds were a little softer, but it is what it is. I did have to go into town and get dinner supplies...they didn't let me know they only served lunch! I brought breakfast stuff b/c I'm picky...but didn't know about dinner. i also need to bring my own water...they are on a well, and it tastes funny.
So i realize I have only been here for 1 day and 1 class...but I really was fascinated by the whole class! Interesting conversation, teacher is fantastic, and the future looks awesome! Chaplaincy is one of the few careers that is increasing, rather than downsizing. All those baby boomers are coming to term, ya know? My mother is a perfect example, and people are looking for support and comfort as America gets more and more unhealthy. Sidebar...quit using your microwave and drink good water!
It's going to take me 3 years to get my MDiv - but in that time, I can also get ordained and be certified to teach. I don't know that I want a church, but I do want lots of options. I will have to write lots of papers, but I have found this blog to be most enriching, so maybe I will like writing papers as well. The first assignment is a 2-3 page reflection paper due this Friday. I am to consider 2 aspects of Jesus and his time which are new to me and challenge my previous beliefs about Jesus, the Christ. Included in the reflection is the impact of this new information on my life.
Is that not awesome??? Granted, doing this sort of reflection and putting it into 2-3 pages of legible writing is going to be new...but is that not an interesting topic??? Ok - you may not all be freaks like me, but I am really looking forward to getting the new info that will enable me to write the paper...and I like to write and certainly have the time! It's good to be 51 and have found something I am really interested in and other people who are interested in the same things!!! God is good, all the time!
Oklahoma. Really?
Yep. I leave for Oklahoma tomorrow. Who woulda thought, OK would have Sancta Sophia Seminary? All I can tell you is that I'm really nervous and very excited. I start graduate school on Monday, heading for a Master's in Divinity, looking to be ordained and with the possibility to teach. So many options!
It's funny - odd...I owned my own company. But now that I've sold it - I'm not qualified for much. If I really wanted it, I could probably get into management somewhere...but part-time? We're talking $10 an hour! So getting my masters presents me with so many choices! Possibly even ones that I can make a living with!
It's funny - odd...I owned my own company. But now that I've sold it - I'm not qualified for much. If I really wanted it, I could probably get into management somewhere...but part-time? We're talking $10 an hour! So getting my masters presents me with so many choices! Possibly even ones that I can make a living with!
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Volunteering for Alternative Hospice
I have always loved spirituality and self-evolution. Trying to figure out how to better myself and incorporate God into everything, has always been a big deal. I've always said, if I loved making money as much as I love digging into spirituality, I would be a millionaire! So now I'm going to seminary, in the hopes that I will uncover more layers of my own spirituality, as well as a way to make a living. Now, which direction to take when I graduate...well, seems like some investigation is a good idea.
So when Dad died, it caused a lot of searching for me. I have never had to deal with death so "up close and personal" and it was a damn, big deal. It's been 3 years since he died, and I am still processing things about it. In fact, I went to a continuing ed class on death and dying, just b/c I have learned so much about myself, but also had so much trauma that came up and wanted to know what the research was about it. The class was so helpful! Did you know that PTSD sets in 6 months after any traumatic death, if it is not "processed"? and that grief is cumulative? So if you have had trauma in your life, not just death...but trauma...the grief is cumulative and can cause all kinds of things...memory loss, unresolved physical pain, inability to concentrate, insomnia, etc This class was SO interesting and helpful! It really set me on a path to see how I might become involved in therapy for those in serious grief...how I could use my own pain and resolution to help others.
Which finally brings me to my investigating Alternative Hospice in St. Louis. They are alternative b/c they do things a little differently. They take a "team" approach...I sat in on a team meeting this morning, where they discussed every single patient as a team, any changes, challenges or needs. For instance, one patient has rotting teeth...so bad that the odor is offensive and he can't eat anything but soft foods. The challenge is that he is very poor and can't afford an oral surgeon. So the hospice team puts it out there...who knows who, if charity funds are available, etc...they had the issue solved in about 4 minutes!
They also offer alternative therapies. Massage, energy work, including Craniosacral (CST), Reiki and Healing Touch. It has been proven that CST can help with the agitation that often comes with Alzheimers, Dementia and Parkinsons. How fabulous! and no side affects!
So who knows if I will use my graduate education in hospice or some other sort of grief work? It is good to get myself involved and see what I can learn for future options.
So when Dad died, it caused a lot of searching for me. I have never had to deal with death so "up close and personal" and it was a damn, big deal. It's been 3 years since he died, and I am still processing things about it. In fact, I went to a continuing ed class on death and dying, just b/c I have learned so much about myself, but also had so much trauma that came up and wanted to know what the research was about it. The class was so helpful! Did you know that PTSD sets in 6 months after any traumatic death, if it is not "processed"? and that grief is cumulative? So if you have had trauma in your life, not just death...but trauma...the grief is cumulative and can cause all kinds of things...memory loss, unresolved physical pain, inability to concentrate, insomnia, etc This class was SO interesting and helpful! It really set me on a path to see how I might become involved in therapy for those in serious grief...how I could use my own pain and resolution to help others.
Which finally brings me to my investigating Alternative Hospice in St. Louis. They are alternative b/c they do things a little differently. They take a "team" approach...I sat in on a team meeting this morning, where they discussed every single patient as a team, any changes, challenges or needs. For instance, one patient has rotting teeth...so bad that the odor is offensive and he can't eat anything but soft foods. The challenge is that he is very poor and can't afford an oral surgeon. So the hospice team puts it out there...who knows who, if charity funds are available, etc...they had the issue solved in about 4 minutes!
They also offer alternative therapies. Massage, energy work, including Craniosacral (CST), Reiki and Healing Touch. It has been proven that CST can help with the agitation that often comes with Alzheimers, Dementia and Parkinsons. How fabulous! and no side affects!
So who knows if I will use my graduate education in hospice or some other sort of grief work? It is good to get myself involved and see what I can learn for future options.
Monday, February 14, 2011
So Frustrating!
Wow. So who knew that the marketing directors of assisted living facilities were no better than used car salesmen? I mean, they are supposed to be guiding you towards what is best for your loved one...right? Wrong. They just want their rooms filled and your money in their pocket! Do I sound a little annoyed?
So my poor Mom has been through it! First she falls and breaks her leg. Then she goes into a SNF (skilled nursing facility) for rehab. We choose a SNF totally on the hospital's recommendation and find out, this was not a good idea! How the hell do you know? The place sucked. It literally stank, the care was worse...well, the physical therapist was good, but the aides were really rough with Mom and so she ends up back in the hospital!
The aides used a hoyer lift with Mom. This keeps them from having to work with her when she transfers out of the bed to get to the bathroom. Now I am the first to say my Mom is frustrating! but I have worked with her before when she had her hips replaced...and if you just give her TIME she will do it. Well the aides didn't want to give her time, nor have her yell at them...so they used a hoyer lift...big sling that puts your hips in internal rotation...big no-no for hip rehab. So she's back in the hospital.
Then John and I go to all this trouble, trying to find out for sure! if the new place can handle her...medications, rehab, skilled nursing...all of it! The director assures ME that they can do it, as soon as Mom is discharged. Then when John calls and starts asking questions...she's not sure! But she still pressures John to take the room - Oh, and we will only charge you half rent, b/c your Mom isn't here yet. LIARS!
I have been in the medical field for over 10 years, but I can't figure out how to find a clean, safe environment for my Mom. It doesn't help that I am in St Louis and my brother and Mom in Boston. And it sure as hell doesn't help that we can't get a straight answer from anybody! I want to take my friends, who are in medicine, to Boston, and have them help us get this worked out. I just hate it that my Mom has to pay the price of us learning how the system works. Yes, she has caused much of her own pain...but I want to kill somebody when I think of those damn aides forcing her into a hoyer!
OOh! I need dishes to break!!!! Today, this blog is about venting...it may not make any sense, but I just needed to vent.
So my poor Mom has been through it! First she falls and breaks her leg. Then she goes into a SNF (skilled nursing facility) for rehab. We choose a SNF totally on the hospital's recommendation and find out, this was not a good idea! How the hell do you know? The place sucked. It literally stank, the care was worse...well, the physical therapist was good, but the aides were really rough with Mom and so she ends up back in the hospital!
The aides used a hoyer lift with Mom. This keeps them from having to work with her when she transfers out of the bed to get to the bathroom. Now I am the first to say my Mom is frustrating! but I have worked with her before when she had her hips replaced...and if you just give her TIME she will do it. Well the aides didn't want to give her time, nor have her yell at them...so they used a hoyer lift...big sling that puts your hips in internal rotation...big no-no for hip rehab. So she's back in the hospital.
Then John and I go to all this trouble, trying to find out for sure! if the new place can handle her...medications, rehab, skilled nursing...all of it! The director assures ME that they can do it, as soon as Mom is discharged. Then when John calls and starts asking questions...she's not sure! But she still pressures John to take the room - Oh, and we will only charge you half rent, b/c your Mom isn't here yet. LIARS!
I have been in the medical field for over 10 years, but I can't figure out how to find a clean, safe environment for my Mom. It doesn't help that I am in St Louis and my brother and Mom in Boston. And it sure as hell doesn't help that we can't get a straight answer from anybody! I want to take my friends, who are in medicine, to Boston, and have them help us get this worked out. I just hate it that my Mom has to pay the price of us learning how the system works. Yes, she has caused much of her own pain...but I want to kill somebody when I think of those damn aides forcing her into a hoyer!
OOh! I need dishes to break!!!! Today, this blog is about venting...it may not make any sense, but I just needed to vent.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
In Between
The promise of new beginnings...hope, anticipation, excitement. But the wait feels like walking into a hospital...it takes forever and a day. So in one week I will start school...my new life. I hope to leave the practice of medicine behind, and turn sideways into the light. LOL - I'm so "woowoo"...
This Irish man, Patrick, first coined the phrase, "sideways into the light"...talking about the Fae and their ability to disappear. I'm not so much wanting to disappear, as appear...but in a different light, a different line of work, a different way to conncect with people. I still want to help the world, I just want it to be more expansive...with a different texture.
Who knows if this school experience will give me that? I know what my plans are...but you know the saying, "The best laid plans of mice and men...". Until then, I wait...and this next week, I may need to go back to Boston to help move Mom, once again, into a new place. What a roller coaster this experience with Mom has been! Lord, I hope she gets some peace...altho - I'm not sure it's peace that my Mom wants...so I hope she gets whatever it is she needs to heal...on all levels.
I know I haven't blogged in over 2 weeks. I have not been able to write much - not even journal. I think I am just waiting and processing and healing. There has been so much healing and resolution for me in the past couple of months. I am so grateful. And it is so nice to recognize my hard work has paid off and will continue with me on my new adventure.
Namaste'
C
This Irish man, Patrick, first coined the phrase, "sideways into the light"...talking about the Fae and their ability to disappear. I'm not so much wanting to disappear, as appear...but in a different light, a different line of work, a different way to conncect with people. I still want to help the world, I just want it to be more expansive...with a different texture.
Who knows if this school experience will give me that? I know what my plans are...but you know the saying, "The best laid plans of mice and men...". Until then, I wait...and this next week, I may need to go back to Boston to help move Mom, once again, into a new place. What a roller coaster this experience with Mom has been! Lord, I hope she gets some peace...altho - I'm not sure it's peace that my Mom wants...so I hope she gets whatever it is she needs to heal...on all levels.
I know I haven't blogged in over 2 weeks. I have not been able to write much - not even journal. I think I am just waiting and processing and healing. There has been so much healing and resolution for me in the past couple of months. I am so grateful. And it is so nice to recognize my hard work has paid off and will continue with me on my new adventure.
Namaste'
C
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Well, Hell
They say, that those who cuss are lacking in creative thought processing. Well, there ya go. I couldn't think of anything else to name this blog. I tried, but all I came up with was worse.
I'm missing Katie, I'm sad that my mother is in pain and not herself, my dog pee'd on the carpet TWICE today, and I'm lonely. See! Well, Hell. That's what happens when you are stuck in your house for 2 1/2 days. I spent 2 hours scraping ice off my driveway and my dog still pee'd in the house. Somehow, that's just not right...but I don't speak "dog" and so there we are.
I started my homework tho'...a meditation book. Here's a quote - "In India, those saints who are in accord with this silent hub of Dharma are thought to emit a spiritual power that, though unseen, exerts an orderly influence on the environment, freeing it from all kinds of misfortune. Thus the activity of "seeing" this inner axis of the universe was thought to be more important than a million good deeds, for the "seeing" would prevent harmful activities from occurring for miles around. This is why in the East skillful inaction is considered to be a tremendously potent form of action." James N. Powell, "The Tao of Symbols"
My thoughts were about my 6 months off. My inaction has certainly benefitted me! Yet I never thought about how it might help the world...or just my neighborhood! I know it has helped me to be a better person, respond more gently to my mother, and be less judgemental in my dealings with other people. It's true that stress makes you harsh...at least for me it is. So my time to heal, has been just that...time to heal. But has my healing helped make a better world? Better than a million good deeds?
How would I know? It's like alternative medicine. You don't know how eating organic, not using the microwave, drinking pure water, keep you from getting sick...b/c alternative medicine people still get sick...but would we be sicker? We just don't know. Certainly statistics show that eating well, keeps you healthier...but individually - we can't prove anything.
So maybe my healing and empowerment from having 6 months off has helped the world, as it's helped me. In the law of physics, "what goes around, comes around". Energy emits like energy and cannot be destroyed. It's possible that my healing has sent out healing waves and affected someone else...I like to think I have helped my friends, but maybe even more than that...is it possible that healing is exponential? Let's go with that. What can it hurt? Might help. and if possible, please send some of that to my Mom.
I'm missing Katie, I'm sad that my mother is in pain and not herself, my dog pee'd on the carpet TWICE today, and I'm lonely. See! Well, Hell. That's what happens when you are stuck in your house for 2 1/2 days. I spent 2 hours scraping ice off my driveway and my dog still pee'd in the house. Somehow, that's just not right...but I don't speak "dog" and so there we are.
I started my homework tho'...a meditation book. Here's a quote - "In India, those saints who are in accord with this silent hub of Dharma are thought to emit a spiritual power that, though unseen, exerts an orderly influence on the environment, freeing it from all kinds of misfortune. Thus the activity of "seeing" this inner axis of the universe was thought to be more important than a million good deeds, for the "seeing" would prevent harmful activities from occurring for miles around. This is why in the East skillful inaction is considered to be a tremendously potent form of action." James N. Powell, "The Tao of Symbols"
My thoughts were about my 6 months off. My inaction has certainly benefitted me! Yet I never thought about how it might help the world...or just my neighborhood! I know it has helped me to be a better person, respond more gently to my mother, and be less judgemental in my dealings with other people. It's true that stress makes you harsh...at least for me it is. So my time to heal, has been just that...time to heal. But has my healing helped make a better world? Better than a million good deeds?
How would I know? It's like alternative medicine. You don't know how eating organic, not using the microwave, drinking pure water, keep you from getting sick...b/c alternative medicine people still get sick...but would we be sicker? We just don't know. Certainly statistics show that eating well, keeps you healthier...but individually - we can't prove anything.
So maybe my healing and empowerment from having 6 months off has helped the world, as it's helped me. In the law of physics, "what goes around, comes around". Energy emits like energy and cannot be destroyed. It's possible that my healing has sent out healing waves and affected someone else...I like to think I have helped my friends, but maybe even more than that...is it possible that healing is exponential? Let's go with that. What can it hurt? Might help. and if possible, please send some of that to my Mom.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Home & Ice & Sleet & Snow & Wind - but Home
It is so good to be home. The ice and building up of 3 inches of sleet aren't so great...but I'd rather deal with that, than be in Boston with their prediction of another 18 inches of snow! They already have close to 2 feet...I can't imagine how anyone is going to be able to see at intersections at all. John was getting on his roof today, to clear the 2 feet before the next blizzard. Fun, fun.
So I cleaned off the ice on my driveway while it was still sleeting. It's supposed to be -1 degree tomorrow...I wasn't sure that ice would come up! so now I will only have another 3 inches of sleet, plus however much snow falls. It's so lovely to be inside with a fireplace, music, and my green chair:)
The funny part, is Little Bit...my dog, hates the snow and the frozen grass hurts her paws. I have to carry her to the street so she will pee...I'm sure my neighbors are getting quite a laugh out of it. So far so good tho - no accidents! I'm sure glad I have the luxury of indoor plumbing!!!
Just in case you weren't completely sure...I am so glad to be home:) I'm walking over to my friends Maureen and Dana's house tonight for homeade soup. How lovely it is to have friends so close AND they like to cook:)
Namaste'
So I cleaned off the ice on my driveway while it was still sleeting. It's supposed to be -1 degree tomorrow...I wasn't sure that ice would come up! so now I will only have another 3 inches of sleet, plus however much snow falls. It's so lovely to be inside with a fireplace, music, and my green chair:)
The funny part, is Little Bit...my dog, hates the snow and the frozen grass hurts her paws. I have to carry her to the street so she will pee...I'm sure my neighbors are getting quite a laugh out of it. So far so good tho - no accidents! I'm sure glad I have the luxury of indoor plumbing!!!
Just in case you weren't completely sure...I am so glad to be home:) I'm walking over to my friends Maureen and Dana's house tonight for homeade soup. How lovely it is to have friends so close AND they like to cook:)
Namaste'
Saturday, January 29, 2011
How we live and how we die.
So, have you heard the story about the American Indians, who, when they were ready to die, would just walk out into the woods, lay down and offer up their spirit? They passed on their own terms and did not let their body dictate how they would live. I wonder if my Mom is doing that? Except she could never just walk out into the woods and die - not without any fanfare and nashing of teeth! No, no - she would need lots of nashing, some tearing of hair and plenty of wailing. Then there's just that small issue of - she is the one who is going thro all the physical agony - but she certainly has everyone's attention!
If you haven't been on my Facebook, or haven't answered my numerous phone calls...you may not know that my Mom fell and broke her hip on Friday morning. My plan had been to get on a plane and fly home, but instead I spent 8+ hours in an ER and then the specialty hospital that she was transferred to...and, Mom, being Mom, now has her own personal, hospital aide, to keep her from pulling out her catheter, her IV, and taking off her hospital gown. Again, she certainly has everyone's attention.
The deal is - she says she was helping some gentleman in her facility...who was far older than her, (grin)scared and needing her help, when she hurt her leg. She had to have twisted in some way, b/c she has a spiral fracture, down the full length of her right femur. She is going to have a complete revision of her hip replacement and it is a very serious surgery. Hours of surgery, lots of blood loss, and just very traumatic for someone who is 90 years old. In fact, one doctor told us she only had a 50% chance of surviving the surgery- but what do doctors know? We get a different story from every doctor we talk to...it's like they're "practicing" medicine or something...rather than playing God. (I digress and give you a commercial break of my personal opinion...like a blog is something other than a personal opinion!:)
I can only tell you that I am so sad that my Mom has done this, and now has to go through such a horrendous ordeal. Rehab is 2-4 weeks, and will be worse than her original hip replacement. She is not in her right mind, so explaining why she needs to get up and try to walk, when it hurts like a spike being driven thro your leg...is not going to be easy. And she may very well refuse, which means she will never walk again. but we must remember that my mother is a strong, "I'll prove you wrong" woman. John says she may out-live us all. Of course, we all may commit suicide b/c we just can't take any more of her drama! But who knows... actually, the only thing I know, is that she will surprise us...one way or the other.
If you haven't been on my Facebook, or haven't answered my numerous phone calls...you may not know that my Mom fell and broke her hip on Friday morning. My plan had been to get on a plane and fly home, but instead I spent 8+ hours in an ER and then the specialty hospital that she was transferred to...and, Mom, being Mom, now has her own personal, hospital aide, to keep her from pulling out her catheter, her IV, and taking off her hospital gown. Again, she certainly has everyone's attention.
The deal is - she says she was helping some gentleman in her facility...who was far older than her, (grin)scared and needing her help, when she hurt her leg. She had to have twisted in some way, b/c she has a spiral fracture, down the full length of her right femur. She is going to have a complete revision of her hip replacement and it is a very serious surgery. Hours of surgery, lots of blood loss, and just very traumatic for someone who is 90 years old. In fact, one doctor told us she only had a 50% chance of surviving the surgery- but what do doctors know? We get a different story from every doctor we talk to...it's like they're "practicing" medicine or something...rather than playing God. (I digress and give you a commercial break of my personal opinion...like a blog is something other than a personal opinion!:)
I can only tell you that I am so sad that my Mom has done this, and now has to go through such a horrendous ordeal. Rehab is 2-4 weeks, and will be worse than her original hip replacement. She is not in her right mind, so explaining why she needs to get up and try to walk, when it hurts like a spike being driven thro your leg...is not going to be easy. And she may very well refuse, which means she will never walk again. but we must remember that my mother is a strong, "I'll prove you wrong" woman. John says she may out-live us all. Of course, we all may commit suicide b/c we just can't take any more of her drama! But who knows... actually, the only thing I know, is that she will surprise us...one way or the other.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Light is always better on the other side
Today is better...mainly b/c I haven't received a phone call from Mom's place. John and I agreed that he should call and check on her, get their story, see if I am banned from the place (I should be so lucky). So far so good. I'm sure she is very busy, as that is just Mom - hopefully they will continue to get to know her and be able to handle any future challenges...as I am going home TOMORROW! John and I agreed that there wasn't much else I can do, and since we want the staff at Mom's place to handle things and not rely on us...I am going home:) Yea and Praise God!
Yes, I am homesick, miss my dog and want my own house - but I will miss my brother and his family. This has been such a hard time, yet so blessed. I have bonded with my nieces, enjoyed my sister-in-law and supported my brother. What more can I ask? I have truly enjoyed my time here, felt part of my family in a way I have never felt before and will miss them...alot! Is it that I have grown up? or have just healed in a way that has opened me to their love? I have some ideas about all this, but truly? I don't know.
Several weeks ago, I came home and realized that I would never be what my family wanted me to be. I'm a Lesbian, I'm medical (holistic doesn't really matter), and I'm not married with kids at home. This really sets me apart...but I also don't want what they have. I like my life, who I am and what I am pursuing. Suddenly I realized that I am not supposed to be like them, nor them like me...and yet we can love each other. I had to grieve this loss and gain, but it was good in the end.
Then on this trip - my mother accused me of hitting and slapping her. John didn't believe her! I did not realize how big a deal this was. It feels like I have taken the blame for everything bad in my family...forever...and for my brother to believe in me...well, it was just huge. I tried to tell my sister-in-law, Julie, how much this meant to me, and I started crying. It was a big deal.
From the moment after John said he didn't believe my mother...I have had this deep-seated peace and joy. I have loved being with John and his family. We have tag-teamed when my mom was staying at his place...we have laughed together in stress-release at the end of the day, and we got her moved into a new, lovely place that will keep her safe and where the staff will come to care about her. I have been appreciated for who I am and the love I give, as I have also done for them. I cannot express how good it feels to be a part of my family...so good.
The icing on the cake? LOL - I experienced snowshoeing and found out how lovely it is to be out in the woods in winter -silent, cold and white. I went out today, in 12 inches of new powder! and I will go again tomorrow before I leave. It is lovely and was a new nature experience for me. Now I will be disappointed if I come visit and there is no snow. Well, in winter anyway...I am happy to experience flowers and birds in Boston. Maybe, I will even get to go whale watching in the spring:) I think the Blues migrate in the spring or early summer:) Wahoo:)
For all of you reading this and who have sent wonderful messages of support...thank you. I love you all.
Yes, I am homesick, miss my dog and want my own house - but I will miss my brother and his family. This has been such a hard time, yet so blessed. I have bonded with my nieces, enjoyed my sister-in-law and supported my brother. What more can I ask? I have truly enjoyed my time here, felt part of my family in a way I have never felt before and will miss them...alot! Is it that I have grown up? or have just healed in a way that has opened me to their love? I have some ideas about all this, but truly? I don't know.
Several weeks ago, I came home and realized that I would never be what my family wanted me to be. I'm a Lesbian, I'm medical (holistic doesn't really matter), and I'm not married with kids at home. This really sets me apart...but I also don't want what they have. I like my life, who I am and what I am pursuing. Suddenly I realized that I am not supposed to be like them, nor them like me...and yet we can love each other. I had to grieve this loss and gain, but it was good in the end.
Then on this trip - my mother accused me of hitting and slapping her. John didn't believe her! I did not realize how big a deal this was. It feels like I have taken the blame for everything bad in my family...forever...and for my brother to believe in me...well, it was just huge. I tried to tell my sister-in-law, Julie, how much this meant to me, and I started crying. It was a big deal.
From the moment after John said he didn't believe my mother...I have had this deep-seated peace and joy. I have loved being with John and his family. We have tag-teamed when my mom was staying at his place...we have laughed together in stress-release at the end of the day, and we got her moved into a new, lovely place that will keep her safe and where the staff will come to care about her. I have been appreciated for who I am and the love I give, as I have also done for them. I cannot express how good it feels to be a part of my family...so good.
The icing on the cake? LOL - I experienced snowshoeing and found out how lovely it is to be out in the woods in winter -silent, cold and white. I went out today, in 12 inches of new powder! and I will go again tomorrow before I leave. It is lovely and was a new nature experience for me. Now I will be disappointed if I come visit and there is no snow. Well, in winter anyway...I am happy to experience flowers and birds in Boston. Maybe, I will even get to go whale watching in the spring:) I think the Blues migrate in the spring or early summer:) Wahoo:)
For all of you reading this and who have sent wonderful messages of support...thank you. I love you all.
If you think you are evolved...
"If you think you are evolved, spend 2 weeks with your parents." Ekhardt Tolle
So true. Does anyone else find it ironic that my future plans include possibly being the minister of a church, getting a master's in divinity, and my great passion is spirituality...but I want to kill my mother? So she's in her new place, her rooms are just beautiful b/c of the administrations of my sister-in-law, the staff are very sweet, - but here's the kicker - they didn't tell us everything. Well, we didn't tell them everything either...but then, we haven't done this before. This is their job, dammit - they should be very, very clear.
So we moved Mom in yesterday. I left after she was somewhat settled and we had dinner together. I went out to get her this morning, b/c John and I agreed that we have to have the option of medication...we are that much at our wits end, and so I had to take her to the doctor for the prescription. We went to lunch, and I took her back and the staff immediately engaged her in an activity, so I left. About 5:00, Liz, the RN at Mom's place, called and asked me to come out. Mom wouldn't eat dinner, she wouldn't settle and they had not received her medication yet. When Mom gets on a roll, she talks and "fixes" endlessly...even if it doesn't need fixing.
I get there about 7 pm and they tell me she is fine, but she won't take the medication. Now this facility is an "assisted living" facility, and so can only "assist" her with taking her meds. This is what they didn't tell us. They won't put it in her food, or disguise it in any way. She must cooperate and take it. HELLO???? Did you not hear anything my brother and I both told you??? She is a not going to cooperate, in fact, as they found out...she will spit in your face if you pressure her to do something she doesn't want to do. They asked her to take the pill, she threw it at them. They asked her again later, she put it in her mouth and then spit it at them. So I go out there...I put it in ice cream, and she eats the whole dish. What the hell! Is it really so hard to drop it in the ice cream and then just let her eat it?
So while I'm there, as she's eating her ice cream, she is walking into people's rooms. She is hearing imaginary conversations, and deciding that these two male patients want her to sleep with them b/c they are scared. Now I know this sounds sad and poignant and all that...but the truth is, she is walking into male patient's rooms that she doesn't know, and making all kinds of racket. I have to bodily pick her up and pull her out. Can you guess how much she liked that? and the damn CNA says, "Oh don't upset her!" I walk her back to her room, with her cussing me the whole way, with the CNA's following me. Now everyone is upset, including me!
The question is...what the hell did they WANT me to do? Can you tell I'm frustrated? I just left. Mom is still cussing me, so I told her I was leaving b/c I was just upsetting her. I haven't received a phone call, so either the Atavan has taken affect and she is asleep...or she is still trying to get into some unsuspecting male patient's bed. And at this point, I just don't care, as long as they don't call me...or John. Do your damn job.
So true. Does anyone else find it ironic that my future plans include possibly being the minister of a church, getting a master's in divinity, and my great passion is spirituality...but I want to kill my mother? So she's in her new place, her rooms are just beautiful b/c of the administrations of my sister-in-law, the staff are very sweet, - but here's the kicker - they didn't tell us everything. Well, we didn't tell them everything either...but then, we haven't done this before. This is their job, dammit - they should be very, very clear.
So we moved Mom in yesterday. I left after she was somewhat settled and we had dinner together. I went out to get her this morning, b/c John and I agreed that we have to have the option of medication...we are that much at our wits end, and so I had to take her to the doctor for the prescription. We went to lunch, and I took her back and the staff immediately engaged her in an activity, so I left. About 5:00, Liz, the RN at Mom's place, called and asked me to come out. Mom wouldn't eat dinner, she wouldn't settle and they had not received her medication yet. When Mom gets on a roll, she talks and "fixes" endlessly...even if it doesn't need fixing.
I get there about 7 pm and they tell me she is fine, but she won't take the medication. Now this facility is an "assisted living" facility, and so can only "assist" her with taking her meds. This is what they didn't tell us. They won't put it in her food, or disguise it in any way. She must cooperate and take it. HELLO???? Did you not hear anything my brother and I both told you??? She is a not going to cooperate, in fact, as they found out...she will spit in your face if you pressure her to do something she doesn't want to do. They asked her to take the pill, she threw it at them. They asked her again later, she put it in her mouth and then spit it at them. So I go out there...I put it in ice cream, and she eats the whole dish. What the hell! Is it really so hard to drop it in the ice cream and then just let her eat it?
So while I'm there, as she's eating her ice cream, she is walking into people's rooms. She is hearing imaginary conversations, and deciding that these two male patients want her to sleep with them b/c they are scared. Now I know this sounds sad and poignant and all that...but the truth is, she is walking into male patient's rooms that she doesn't know, and making all kinds of racket. I have to bodily pick her up and pull her out. Can you guess how much she liked that? and the damn CNA says, "Oh don't upset her!" I walk her back to her room, with her cussing me the whole way, with the CNA's following me. Now everyone is upset, including me!
The question is...what the hell did they WANT me to do? Can you tell I'm frustrated? I just left. Mom is still cussing me, so I told her I was leaving b/c I was just upsetting her. I haven't received a phone call, so either the Atavan has taken affect and she is asleep...or she is still trying to get into some unsuspecting male patient's bed. And at this point, I just don't care, as long as they don't call me...or John. Do your damn job.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)