So, in July, my brother and I, my sister-in-law (may she stay home next time), my daughter and their oldest daughter...went to Bovina, Texas to clean out my parents' house. We have sold it to the neighbor's grandson and in the end, it is a good thing. Suffice it to say, this was an emotional, volatile, and extremely hard thing to do. Thank God I had Katie there...she is such a blessing.
So the following week, I headed back to school. I am doing some marketing for the seminary and we had a 3! hour team meeting while I was there. God save me. This is why I liked being boss - NEVER did I have a 3 hour meeting. Corporate is also a new concept for me...in that new ideas are not really that welcomed. Everytime I offered a new idea or questioned something...I was shut down. They want to bring in all these new students, revitalize the seminary, but not do anything any differently. I believe that is the definition of insanity.
Well, that meeting did not go well, but I left being very clear as to what my perameters were, around what they wanted me to do...so that was good. Then in class the next day, the dean told me to shut up. Yep, 3rd time's a charm! The instructor had told us to discuss the new concept he had just taught, with our partners, which I did. During this discussion period, the dean says, "Would everyone stop their side conversations! Sue is trying to share!" There were several comments to the dean, as we were all doing what we were told to do. I also made a comment, which I do not remember the jist of, and the dean turns to me and says, "Scorpios like it blunt? You need to shut up!"
I've been all over the map in my reaction and processing of this event. I've blamed myself, I've been angry, I've asked "How did I attract this? What am I to learn?" I've also felt ashamed and just shut down. No one else is being yelled at...why me? What did I do to cause it? I've also realized I am not responsible for other people's actions...but I've also been yelled at 3 times!!! In a seminary. Truly there is something wrong with this picture.
Maybe it is my fault. Maybe it isn't. The dean apologized to me personally the next morning, but it was one of those apologies that makes it worse. "I shouldnt' have yelled at you b/c I'm the dean, you're the student. I now know how Stan feels (see previous blog) when he said he felt your sting." So you're saying...it's MY fault? I caused your actions??? In a class...where you were not the instructor, nor listening to the instructions?? WTF?
Here's the thing. The first time I was yelled at, in April, I had asked a question. What still concerns me is that the instructors (of which one was the dean) did not stop this student from yelling at me and continuing to snipe at and interrupt me for the whole class. The second time, with Stan... There were others that said and did a lot more, but I got yelled at. This last time? I still don't know what I said that made the dean "feel my sting"...but she should have addressed that at a different time, not in class...and she should not have brought up Stan, nor blamed me for her actions.
There are those who won't believe me. You've either felt my sting yourself, or seen my volatility, or just figure I deserved it if it happened 3 times. Here's the bottom line for me. I'm in seminary. If I can't ask questions and not be yelled at, something is wrong. If I am doing something that is out of line and inappropriate, someone needs to talk to me, not yell at me in class. The determining factor for me? I do not have any faith that this won't keep happening. I do not feel the instructors, including the dean, have the appropriate skills to keep Stan in line, or themselves.
Here's what a friend of mine pointed out. I have endured a lot of verbal abuse in my life. When this started happening at seminary, I tried to get past it and think it didn't matter. The truth is, it does matter. I deserve a safe place to get an education. What occurred to me, is that SSS is still recovering from PTSD...that campus feels like somebody bombed them. Remember they forced the original leader out and the current dean just came on in January? The previous leader was awful! Yelling at everybody and telling them they were evil! So maybe SSS doesn't recognize verbal abuse when they hear it either. And that is not a situation I want to stay in.
What this means is that I am transferring to the Unitarian Universalist Seminary in Chicago. I can't be matriculated in as a full-time seminary student until June, 2012...but I can start accredited classes this fall. Let's just assume I will be accepted, b/c I am a good student and good person, Scorpio or not! My decision is not just based on how I've been treated...but also on the lack of accredation that SSS has. Of the instructors that I've had, only the dean and her husband have a master's degree themselves. Their "counseling" class that I took in June, was a joke and I'm not certain at all, that I will have the skills I need at the end of 4 years, if I stay at SSS. I can also get a dual master's at UU in Chicago...Master's of Divinity and Master's of Arts in Leadership.
I'm guessing I might have to work a tad bit harder....UU actually gives you a reading list BEFORE the class! They work on an intensive schedule as well, I only have to spend 1 week on campus per class, but I am given the reading assignment 3 months in advance and will have conference calls and online study groups on a weekly basis. I'm guessing I WILL come out of this program with the skills I need and the seminary is much more recognized!
After all of this in Oklahoma, I still had to go back to Texas and finish Mom and Dad's house. The good news is that I went by myself and got some very healing "alone time" there...some closure. It was quite needed and welcome. Ok - if any of you have made it all the way thro this blog...I thank you for listening.
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