Progress

These posts are a little out of order, as I hold onto them too long as drafts...

These last few days I have been re-reading my journal from the last year.  It begins in January, 2011, when I went through so much trauma with my mom and so much blessing with my brother.  It continues on through my first excitement at Sancta Sophia and then on through the lessons and experiences from there.  Re-reading my journals often helps me to connect dots that I hadn't previously seen and this is quite a valuable tool.

In April, on my second trip to Sancta Sophia, I was quite nervous for no reason that I could ascertain.  In hindsight, it looks as though my intuition was really ramping up...even getting precognitive information!  Reading about signs and information that I was getting but couldn't understand, now is much more clear.  I tend to blame myself for not understanding my intuition...I'm not good enough, I don't trust myself, if only I was smarter, etc etc.  What I see now is that there was no way i could understand the info i was getting...I didn't have a context for it.  I thought I was learning to trust myself more, and while that is valuable, what I was really learning was to value myself for who I am.  I had 3 major experiences with people yelling at me, telling me to shut up...for 1) asking a question about God, 2) for disagreeing with a student, 3) and for the Dean's misunderstanding of class directions.  Wow, really?
Yet b/c of my experience at SS, I have expanded my concept of God tremendously!  I have many new theories, more options and a more satisfying relationship with the Divine Mystery.  If I hadn't gone to SS, I might not have gained these insights and thus not been open to other concepts.  As I am reading material for my classes in Chicago, I find myself able to absorb and be open to new concepts, far more readily than I did before. 

The biggest thing tho - is to keep my heart open and vulnerable to myself.  I have learned a great deal about valuing my feelings, my worth and my right to be treated with respect.  Fascinating isnt' it?  To learn to value myself b/c of people telling me to shut up?  Especially the Dean - b/c of her poor behavior, I was willing to look at other schools and find what I believe to be a much better match on all levels.  I think Meadville will give me far more concrete skills, more credibility, and a broader education.
This valuing myself, has resulted in my coming up in the dating world...allowing myself to date a woman who has many of the qualities I asked for, but couldn't accept that I deserved.  She is physically stunning...I mean, she is beautiful...and she wants to be with me!  Ain't that somethin'?  She is also highly intelligent, (Yale graduate and extremely successful business woman), wealthy, sophisticated, well the list goes on and on...but she also has a great sense of humor, loves her life and allows me mine.  LOL - some time ago I said that the perfect woman for me would be someone who travelled a lot and only came home on weekends.  Well, Jules doesnt' travel, but she is corporate...works 12-16 hour days (can you imagine??) and so, I typically only see her on weekends.  Be careful what you ask for, right?