Progress

These posts are a little out of order, as I hold onto them too long as drafts...

These last few days I have been re-reading my journal from the last year.  It begins in January, 2011, when I went through so much trauma with my mom and so much blessing with my brother.  It continues on through my first excitement at Sancta Sophia and then on through the lessons and experiences from there.  Re-reading my journals often helps me to connect dots that I hadn't previously seen and this is quite a valuable tool.

In April, on my second trip to Sancta Sophia, I was quite nervous for no reason that I could ascertain.  In hindsight, it looks as though my intuition was really ramping up...even getting precognitive information!  Reading about signs and information that I was getting but couldn't understand, now is much more clear.  I tend to blame myself for not understanding my intuition...I'm not good enough, I don't trust myself, if only I was smarter, etc etc.  What I see now is that there was no way i could understand the info i was getting...I didn't have a context for it.  I thought I was learning to trust myself more, and while that is valuable, what I was really learning was to value myself for who I am.  I had 3 major experiences with people yelling at me, telling me to shut up...for 1) asking a question about God, 2) for disagreeing with a student, 3) and for the Dean's misunderstanding of class directions.  Wow, really?
Yet b/c of my experience at SS, I have expanded my concept of God tremendously!  I have many new theories, more options and a more satisfying relationship with the Divine Mystery.  If I hadn't gone to SS, I might not have gained these insights and thus not been open to other concepts.  As I am reading material for my classes in Chicago, I find myself able to absorb and be open to new concepts, far more readily than I did before. 

The biggest thing tho - is to keep my heart open and vulnerable to myself.  I have learned a great deal about valuing my feelings, my worth and my right to be treated with respect.  Fascinating isnt' it?  To learn to value myself b/c of people telling me to shut up?  Especially the Dean - b/c of her poor behavior, I was willing to look at other schools and find what I believe to be a much better match on all levels.  I think Meadville will give me far more concrete skills, more credibility, and a broader education.
This valuing myself, has resulted in my coming up in the dating world...allowing myself to date a woman who has many of the qualities I asked for, but couldn't accept that I deserved.  She is physically stunning...I mean, she is beautiful...and she wants to be with me!  Ain't that somethin'?  She is also highly intelligent, (Yale graduate and extremely successful business woman), wealthy, sophisticated, well the list goes on and on...but she also has a great sense of humor, loves her life and allows me mine.  LOL - some time ago I said that the perfect woman for me would be someone who travelled a lot and only came home on weekends.  Well, Jules doesnt' travel, but she is corporate...works 12-16 hour days (can you imagine??) and so, I typically only see her on weekends.  Be careful what you ask for, right?

Breaking Open

Life continues to provide opportunities to open my heart, step out of my box, and commit to peace.  Practicing mindfulness and praying while disagreeing with someone, "Please help me with this, Lord," is humbling and brings me back to center.  I am reminded of my goal - to stay in my own core, to live in my potential, to stand firm in my truth...as I listen, see thro someone else's eyes, and finally, let it be enough to have said my truth.

Is it that I am 51, going on 52 that enables me to see when I am not going to be heard...and let it go?  When did having peace become more important than being right?  Well, at least sometimes this is true...and sometimes, it's important, for whatever reason, to get mad - and say so.  The philosophy of "feeling your feelings"...it is so valuable, but never easy, and the path of "what to do with them" is seldom clear.

Ok - enough philosophy:)  You all need to read "Here When You Need Me" by Kate Braestrup.  It is profound, entertaining, will make you laugh and cry, numerous times.  She proposes that miracles are actually defined, by gratitude.  "A miracle is generally understood to be an extraordinary event that cannot be explained by any plausible application of natural laws and principles."  If extraordinary and unexplainable are the only definition, then horrible things are miracles as well.  Being in the wrong place at the wrong time, could be a miracle...but if we add gratitude...well, it changes everything.

I want to take this a step farther.  What if we are hoping for a miracle?  Actively working for a miracle?  I've recently began dating someone new.  She is NOTHING like anyone I have ever dated before...and if I can keep my core, stay in my truth, and let her encourage me to be more than I believe...will that be a miracle?  She is beautiful, intelligent, wealthy, and pushes me in my truth and in accepting my own greatness.  What if she's "the one"?

God works in mysterious ways and I also believes, has a sense of humor.  Loving is something I already know how to do...keeping myself intact is not.  This time I want to "break open" and love myself more deeply than I ever have.  I believe this will enable me to not only stay intact, but to expand my concept of love.  What do you think?