So, the names have been changed to protect...me. I've heard too many horror stories about how employers find blogs and then throw you in jail. Or something like that. Anyway - Stan is a student at Sancta Sophia, and he and I have had a few issues. He has been labeled genius...he is a chemist and seems quite brilliant in that field. Except he can't keep a job, b/c he has no social skills. He has also been labeled with Asberger's, Autistic, and crazy. He interrupts, talks on & on, and talks about science endlessly... in an alternative seminary...alternative simply means we're all batshit crazy, but are WOOWOO...not scientists. Please.
Stan is religious-right about science (I don't know why he's in seminary...my friend says it's b/c seminaries take all the misfits that no one else wants...I'm not sure what that says about me:) ANYway...Stan made me crazy in April, b/c he interrupted everyone, including the instructors. He is very tall, large, with a BIG voice...and so no one else can be heard when he is talking. So - I approached him as I was trained to...by himself, so there was no pressure to impress someone or fear of being embarressed....and asked him to not interrupt. He had a fit. Yelled a bit, told me to "let it go" and that he had heard that all his life and was sick of it. It didn't seem appropriate to ask him, if he had heard it all his life... why he hadn't tried to change it? There I go - being Ms. Pro-Active!
So in June, we had our healing modalities class. Stan started out ok, but got worse as the week progressed. Finally, he threw a bit of a fit in class, about how everyone else was interrupting him...and I very gently said (truly - i was gentle and quiet in my approach) "but Stan, you interrupt as well...". WW3. He screamed at me. Told me to shut up 3 times and generally, scared me to death. I truly had so much adrenaline running through my body, I could have run to Canada. Those of you who have been in abusive relationships, know what I mean. Fight, flight or freeze. I froze. It was truly awful....but you know that is not the end of the story.
I did manage to pray. And I asked myself...do I need to leave? Can I stay? What should I do? Now those of you who know me, know I have many spiritual resources...I have angels, guides, and a fairly new tribe that comes from a past-life experience...or an astral travel experience...or I made it up...i don't care - my tribe is powerful and they take care of me. They are the ones who answered. "Open your heart." Are you fucking kidding me???? "Open your heart". Yep, that's what they said, and that is how I answered.
The thing is - I trust them. So I opened my heart. Maybe it was only a crack, but it was not slammed shut as I did in April, when the Esoteric-religious-right woman verbally attacked me. (Why am I being attacked in each class? sigh - I've been told it's b/c I'm ready. I'm a ground breaker. It's my astrological signs...whatever. I also am the only new student, the only one without a background in esoterism, and the one with all the questions) So back to my tribe. I do trust them. And this has been quite a process.
To make a long story short...sort of...I asked them to give Stan another chance for healing...(they could have kicked him out...he was that verbally abusive) and so they did...give him another chance. While my 51 y/o self was pleased with my response, my "little girl" and my "young woman" were not so happy. There has been quite a lot of fear, anxiety and anger to process this week. Did I mention I get to go back on Sunday and be in a counseling class with Stan? Joy.
And so the point of this blog is to tell you what I got in my craniosacral session today. Open my heart and stay neutral. Expect nothing from Stan. Not healing, not anger, not quiet, not shouting...let him be empowered to find his own healing...do not offer him anything but neutral, open hearted, love. Try to imagine neutral love. Imagine giving it to a terrorist.
The other small thing...Stan had to get that "loud" in energy volume, to shatter the hold my mother has had on my energy system. It could only be shattered if I had an open heart. This whole thing is really about my own healing. The whole, damn thing. God truly works in mysterious ways...
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