Sunday, February 27, 2011

How to Help

So my friend Ola, is going in for a major dr's appt Wednesday.  Then my friend Amy is going in for a "tissue expander" appt following a mastectomy (very painful) - on Wed.  Then my friend Mary, emailed and said she is going in for a diagnostic appt, yep, on Wed!, to see if she has to have her spleen out!  Damn!  What is goin' on???

I want to help.   I'm gonna be a minister - shouldn't I be able to offer some sort of comfort or help?  Fear, grief, despair...we all experience it so differently and thus, are comforted in such different ways.  So I prayed...or meditated or something.  And I got this sort of pulsing.  I don't know what it is.  I experienced it for the first time at Sancta Sophia and noticed that during our meditation time, the person leading it was swaying to the same rhythm that I felt.  Hmm.  The people at SSS feel this mystical power from the mountain that it is set on...well, I will keep you posted.

So what about Jesus?  I thought, while I was praying...could Jesus help here?  and I thought of him as a politician, but also as a son.  The people he healed...you know, there weren't 1000's...just a chosen few.  Why is that?  Were the healed more "open" or "willing"...or was it a political move?  That is is a scary thought.

Yet we certainly have to be willing to be healed to experience healing...however you define healing.  Sometimes, in my experience, healing isn't about "cure"...for instance, my mother has not been "healed" of Alzheimers, but she has given my brother and I the opportunity to love each other in a deeper, more alive way.  That is healing.  Yet, if I could, I would take away the fear, the pain, the disability of my friends...even while I know, at least on some level, that this is their path and they must walk it.  To take it away, is to have them repeat it.  We are stubborn learners, we humans.

So my prayer is this,  "Father, Mother God.  Please hold my friends close.  Let them feel your Presence...have them be absolutely sure that You are there with them.  Let them see Light, so that they know where to put their feet.  Give them strength, Lord...hold their hand, hold their heart.  Kiss them softly on the forehead.  Let them know You are there.  Absolutely."

Namaste'

Friday, February 25, 2011

I Found It

I really didn't think I had one, but since I found it, I guess it was lost:)  My calling.  I found my calling.  I love this school...being in this seminary.  For our closing ritual today...for the week...we had communion.  Then the instructor asked us to have a gratitude share...and I just started crying.  There was no way I could talk, at least not without sobbing - and I wasn't quite ready to do that yet.

My pattern is to jump into something or get inspired about something and then lose it.  The inspiration, the interest, the desire...everything.  But I have never felt this way.  I went back over my class notes every night - just b/c they were so interesting.  I thoroughly enjoyed writing my reflection paper.  I'm looking forward to the reading and paper due at the end of March.  I'm fantasizing about the weddings and funerals, comfort and joy that I will share with people as an ordained minister.  I am looking forward to volunteering for hospice.

Yes.  I hope it continues...these feelings.  I'm sure there will be blogs when I am sick of it, or wishing to read without highlighting, or please! not one more paper!  But right now?  I am thrilled.  and the good news?  I get to go back in April for 2 weeks:)  I'm working on being able to take Little Bit.  We'll see.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Kindom of God

Yes, kindom...rather than kingdom.  Much more inclusive, don't you think?  So today in graduate school, I got to make a collage of what my "kindom of God" looks like and then we all went to the Dean's house for dinner.  I don't even have to make a donation:)  I also wrote my first reflective paper - it's 2 1/2 pages and was quite fun to write.  Don't get me wrong - I would do none of this if I wasn't getting credit!  But it is so nice to be doing it for credit and find it so interesting and fun!

So class today was on the concept that Easter is not about Jesus and the resurrection, but about how Jesus still lives today.  The scholars we are studying propose that it is irrelevant what happened to Jesus body. The poignancy is how people still feel Jesus in their lives.  The scholars feel the proof for Jesus being "Lord" and for God loving the world, is in how people still feel the presence of Jesus - both mystically and personally.   The big deal is that Jesus is still a best seller, the single most talked about being on the planet - ever, and that his Daddy still loves the world through people trying to be like him...imperfect though it is.

I just find it all fascinating.  We will have God in our lives...no matter what.  And that folks, is why I am here.

Chicago Style Footnotes

You have got to be kidding me.  There are people so anal retentive, that they care if you put a comma after an author's name in a footnote.  So glad that is not my passion.  We are using "Chicago" style footnoting...or Kate...who has 7 editions to her book...on footnotes.  Well, I have a lot to learn.

Other than that...I am still loving Sancta Sophia!  Did you know there was an entire theology that is called, Esoteric Christianity?  They talk of there being 4 major players in Jesus time...Sadducees, Pharisees, Zealots and Esseens.  Esoteric believes that Jesus grew up with the Esseens...that they kept him hidden and protected and then released him to the world in a calculated and political movement to stop Roman oppression.  They also believe that Jesus was such a "big" figure energetically, spiritually, you know - God-like, that he could hold the energy of the world, and when he was crucified, his blood dripping onto the Earth, raised human consciousness.

Ain't that somethin'?  Actually, I am getting a lot of new info about Jesus...we are studying the work of 2 scholars, John Crossan and Marcus Borg.  Extremely well know as Jesus scholars.  According to them, Jesus main gig was not, "love the Lord your God with all your heart. etc" but
1) Heal the sick
2) Eat food with those you heal, and
3) God is in this activity.

I find this to be fascinating, both literally, figuratively and practically.  Try it and get back to me:)

Monday, February 21, 2011

Can It Really Be This Good?

I mean, so far?  Seminary is awesome!!!  and my friend, Linda, who is getting her doctorate here, continues to love it!  Says she will continue to come back even after she finishes.  I have to say, I have never sat thro any 3 hour class without getting sleepy before, but today?  i was riveted to my seat!  It was all on progressive theology and how we got where we are in this moment of history.  They even connect it to the astrological signs of the times.  I am revisiting so many old beliefs and judgements!

The basics.  They have dorm rooms on campus for $20 per night, single occupancy:) with my own bathroom.  Big rooms, with community kitchen - really quite nice.  I do wish the beds were a little softer, but it is what it is.  I did have to go into town and get dinner supplies...they didn't let me know they only served lunch!  I brought breakfast stuff b/c I'm picky...but didn't know about dinner.  i also need to bring my own water...they are on a well, and it tastes funny.

So i realize I have only been here for 1 day and 1 class...but I really was fascinated by the whole class!  Interesting conversation, teacher is fantastic, and the future looks awesome!  Chaplaincy is one of the few careers that is increasing, rather than downsizing.  All those baby boomers are coming to term, ya know?  My mother is a perfect example, and people are looking for support and comfort as America gets more and more unhealthy.  Sidebar...quit using your microwave and drink good water!

It's going to take me 3 years to get my MDiv - but in that time, I can also get ordained and be certified to teach.  I don't know that I want a church, but I do want lots of options.  I will have to write lots of papers, but I have found this blog to be most enriching, so maybe I will like writing papers as well.  The first assignment is a 2-3 page reflection paper due this Friday.  I am to consider 2 aspects of Jesus and his time which are new to me and challenge my previous beliefs about Jesus, the Christ.  Included in the reflection is the impact of this new information on my life.

Is that not awesome???  Granted, doing this sort of reflection and putting it into 2-3 pages of legible writing is going to be new...but is that not an interesting topic???  Ok - you may not all be freaks like me, but I am really looking forward to getting the new info that will enable me to write the paper...and I like to write and certainly have the time!  It's good to be 51 and have found something I am really interested in and other people who are interested in the same things!!!  God is good, all the time!

Oklahoma. Really?

Yep.  I leave for Oklahoma tomorrow.  Who woulda thought, OK would have Sancta Sophia Seminary?  All I can tell you is that I'm really nervous and very excited.  I start graduate school on Monday, heading for a Master's in Divinity, looking to be ordained and with the possibility to teach.  So many options!

It's funny - odd...I owned my own company.  But now that I've sold it - I'm not qualified for much.  If I really wanted it, I could probably get into management somewhere...but part-time?  We're talking $10 an hour!  So getting my masters presents me with so many choices!  Possibly even ones that I can make a living with!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Volunteering for Alternative Hospice

I have always loved spirituality and self-evolution.  Trying to figure out how to better myself and incorporate God into everything, has always been a big deal.  I've always said, if I loved making money as much as I love digging into spirituality, I would be a millionaire!  So now I'm going to seminary, in the hopes that I will uncover more layers of my own spirituality, as well as a way to make a living.  Now, which direction to take when I graduate...well, seems like some investigation is a good idea.

So when Dad died, it caused a lot of searching for me.  I have never had to deal with death so "up close and personal" and it was a damn, big deal.  It's been 3 years since he died, and I am still processing things about it.  In fact, I went to a continuing ed class on death and dying, just b/c I have learned so much about myself, but also had so much trauma that came up and wanted to know what the research was about it.  The class was so helpful!  Did you know that PTSD sets in 6 months after any traumatic death, if it is not "processed"?  and that grief is cumulative?  So if you have had trauma in your life, not just death...but trauma...the grief is cumulative and can cause all kinds of things...memory loss, unresolved physical pain, inability to concentrate, insomnia, etc This class was SO interesting and helpful!  It really set me on a path to see how I might become involved in therapy for those in serious grief...how I could use my own pain and resolution to help others.

Which finally brings me to my investigating Alternative Hospice in St. Louis.  They are alternative b/c they do things a little differently.  They take a "team" approach...I sat in on a team meeting this morning, where they discussed every single patient as a team, any changes, challenges or needs.  For instance, one patient has rotting teeth...so bad that the odor is offensive and he can't eat anything but soft foods.  The challenge is that he is very poor and can't afford an oral surgeon.  So the hospice team puts it out there...who knows who, if charity funds are available, etc...they had the issue solved in about 4 minutes!

They also offer alternative therapies.  Massage, energy work, including Craniosacral (CST), Reiki and Healing Touch.  It has been proven that CST can help with the agitation that often comes with Alzheimers, Dementia and Parkinsons.  How fabulous!  and no side affects!

So who knows if I will use my graduate education in hospice or some other sort of grief work?  It is good to get myself involved and see what I can learn for future options.

Monday, February 14, 2011

So Frustrating!

Wow.  So who knew that the marketing directors of assisted living facilities were no better than used car salesmen?  I mean, they are supposed to be guiding you towards what is best for your loved one...right?  Wrong.  They just want their rooms filled and your money in their pocket!  Do I sound a little annoyed?

So my poor Mom has been through it!  First she falls and breaks her leg.  Then she goes into a SNF (skilled nursing facility) for rehab.  We choose a SNF totally on the hospital's recommendation and find out, this was not a good idea!  How the hell do you know?  The place sucked.  It literally stank, the care was  worse...well, the physical therapist was good, but the aides were really rough with Mom and so she ends up back in the hospital!

The aides used a hoyer lift with Mom.  This keeps them from having to work with her when she transfers out of the bed to get to the bathroom.  Now I am the first to say my Mom is frustrating!  but I have worked with her before when she had her hips replaced...and if you just give her TIME she will do it.  Well the aides didn't want to give her time, nor have her yell at them...so they used a hoyer lift...big sling that puts your hips in internal rotation...big no-no for hip rehab.  So she's back in the hospital.

Then John and I go to all this trouble, trying to find out for sure! if the new place can handle her...medications, rehab, skilled nursing...all of it!  The director assures ME that they can do it, as soon as Mom is discharged.  Then when John calls and starts asking questions...she's not sure!  But she still pressures John to take the room - Oh, and we will only charge you half rent, b/c your Mom isn't here yet.  LIARS!

I have been in the medical field for over 10 years, but I can't figure out how to find a clean, safe environment for my Mom.  It doesn't help that I am in St Louis and my brother and Mom in Boston.  And it sure as hell doesn't help that we can't get a straight answer from anybody!  I want to take my friends, who are in medicine, to Boston, and have them help us get this worked out.  I just hate it that my Mom has to pay the price of us learning how the system works.  Yes, she has caused much of her own pain...but I want to kill somebody when I think of those damn aides forcing her into a hoyer!

OOh!  I need dishes to break!!!!  Today, this blog is about venting...it may not make any sense, but I just needed to vent.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

In Between

The promise of new beginnings...hope, anticipation, excitement.  But the wait feels like walking into a hospital...it takes forever and a day.  So in one week I will start school...my new life.  I hope to leave the practice of medicine behind, and turn sideways into the light.  LOL - I'm so "woowoo"...

This Irish man, Patrick, first coined the phrase, "sideways into the light"...talking about the Fae and their ability to disappear.  I'm not so much wanting to disappear, as appear...but in a different light, a different line of work, a different way to conncect with people.  I still want to help the world, I just want it to be more expansive...with a different texture.

Who knows if this school experience will give me that?  I know what my plans are...but you know the saying, "The best laid plans of mice and men...".  Until then, I wait...and this next week, I may need to go back to Boston to help move Mom, once again, into a new place.  What a roller coaster this experience with Mom has been!  Lord, I hope she gets some peace...altho - I'm not sure it's peace that my Mom wants...so I hope she gets whatever it is she needs to heal...on all levels.

I know I haven't blogged in over 2 weeks.  I have not been able to write much - not even journal.  I think I am just waiting and processing and healing.  There has been so much healing and resolution for me in the past couple of months.  I am so grateful.  And it is so nice to recognize my hard work has paid off and will continue with me on my new adventure.

Namaste'
C

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Well, Hell

They say, that those who cuss are lacking in creative thought processing.  Well, there ya go.  I couldn't think of anything else to name this blog.  I tried, but all I came up with was worse.

I'm missing Katie, I'm sad that my mother is in pain and not herself, my dog pee'd on the carpet TWICE today, and I'm lonely.  See!  Well, Hell.  That's what happens when you are stuck in your house for 2 1/2 days.  I spent 2 hours scraping ice off my driveway and my dog still pee'd in the house.  Somehow, that's just not right...but I don't speak "dog" and so there we are.

I started my homework tho'...a meditation book.  Here's a quote - "In India, those saints who are in accord with this silent hub of Dharma are thought to emit a spiritual power that, though unseen, exerts an orderly influence on the environment, freeing it from all kinds of misfortune.  Thus the activity of "seeing" this inner axis of the universe was thought to be more important than a million good deeds, for the "seeing" would prevent harmful activities from occurring for miles around. This is why in the East skillful inaction is considered to be a tremendously potent form of action."  James N. Powell, "The Tao of Symbols"

My thoughts were about my 6 months off.  My inaction has certainly benefitted me!  Yet I never thought about how it might help the world...or just my neighborhood!  I know it has helped me to be a better person, respond more gently to my mother, and be less judgemental in my dealings with other people.  It's true that stress makes you harsh...at least for me it is.  So my time to heal, has been just that...time to heal.  But has my healing helped make a better world?  Better than a million good deeds?

How would I know?  It's like alternative medicine.  You don't know how eating organic, not using the microwave, drinking pure water, keep you from getting sick...b/c alternative medicine people still get sick...but would we be sicker?  We just don't know.  Certainly statistics show that eating well, keeps you healthier...but individually - we can't prove anything.

So maybe my healing and empowerment from having 6 months off has helped the world, as it's helped me.  In the law of physics, "what goes around, comes around".  Energy emits like energy and cannot be destroyed.  It's possible that my healing has sent out healing waves and affected someone else...I like to think I have helped my friends, but maybe even more than that...is it possible that healing is exponential?  Let's go with that.  What can it hurt?  Might help.  and if possible, please send some of that to my Mom.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Home & Ice & Sleet & Snow & Wind - but Home

It is so good to be home.  The ice and building up of 3 inches of sleet aren't so great...but I'd rather deal with that, than be in Boston with their prediction of another 18 inches of snow!  They already have close to 2 feet...I can't imagine how anyone is going to be able to see at intersections at all.  John was getting on his roof today, to clear the 2 feet before the next blizzard.  Fun, fun.

So I cleaned off the ice on my driveway while it was still sleeting.  It's supposed to be -1 degree tomorrow...I wasn't sure that ice would come up!  so now I will only have another 3 inches of sleet, plus however much snow falls.  It's so lovely to be inside with a fireplace, music, and my green chair:) 

The funny part, is Little Bit...my dog, hates the snow and the frozen grass hurts her paws.  I have to carry her to the street so she will pee...I'm sure my neighbors are getting quite a laugh out of it.  So far so good tho - no accidents!  I'm sure glad I have the luxury of indoor plumbing!!!

Just in case you weren't completely sure...I am so glad to be home:)  I'm walking over to my friends Maureen and Dana's house tonight for homeade soup.  How lovely it is to have friends so close AND they like to cook:)
Namaste'