So I've written 2-3 drafts and deleted them all. It is time for Mom to be put into an Alzheimer's facility. We've (John, Julie and I) known this was coming, but now that it's here...hell. It's as hard to watch John go through his grief process, as it is to imagine how Mom is going to respond.
Mom, John and Julie are Christian Scientists. They have held out against medical intervention for absolutely as long as possible. Praying for healing, praying that Mom could stay in this CS facility "just a little longer". Except now she can't. And of course, now there is no availability in the places we prefer. And there are old people in nursing homes...those people who sit in wheelchairs and stare vacantly out into space - that make all of us so uncomfortable.
So how do any of us find peace with all of this? For me, I know that "Bidden or unbidden, God is here". I quit thinking that God causes or gets rid of bad things. It just didn't work for me to have God love me or heal me according to how "good" I was by human definition. There-in lies the rub...human definition. What is healing? What is our definition of a "good human picture?"
There is so much ugliness and pain in the world, yet I just can't believe God is not there for the people in Iraq or for my own Mother. So I turn to God for comfort, for solace, for joy and beauty. Those are always available to me, even when I can't stand the human picture. And that gives me a God I can count on, even when things don't go right.
How much of what happens to us is our choice and how we live our life, vs ordained by God? Age old question. I think a lot of how we live, perceive and experience things is by our own choice...and then there's a lot of unknown thrown in. So I have no answers and no guarantees. My goal is to see beauty, even when there is none. To love and support my family to the best of my ability. Your prayers would be much appreciated.
Namaste'
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