So today's thoughts are possibly more appropriate than my opinion of God's thoughts on menopause - but maybe not. I went to church today...Metropolitan Community Church, fondly and necessarily known as MCC. No one fainted upon seeing me, which is good, b/c it has been awhile and I wasn't sure they would recognize me.
Anyway - the message was on Jesus' baptism by John the Baptist (Matt 3:13-17) and Rev Carol talked about how we are each called by God...and "marked" by Him. Now the King James version is more known to me, but MCC uses a more updated translation which reads, "This is my Son, chosen and marked by my love, delight of my life." vs KJ, "This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased." Just for the record? I think God sayin' "you are the delight of my life", is pretty cool.
Now the whole point of this blog is to reflect on a time in my life when this verse came to me and made an enormous difference in my life...and gave me a whole new outlook on my relationship with God. Now God has continued to grow and change in my life, and sometimes - in fact, just last summer, I really questioned if God was real... if I mattered to some esoteric Higher Power. Seemed like a lot of mumbo jumbo. I even put it out there that if God really loved me, if I really mattered, my company would sell.
Now I know you're not really supposed to challenge God that way - I mean, we're the peons, right? God is the awesome all power, kinda like the Sorcerer from Aladin. Except my company did sell, just exactly like I had prayed for. Down to the last detail. Sell to good people, in good time, for good money and oh...before I leave for Ireland (July 16). I was praying this fairly desperately the end of May, first of June. I closed on the company, the morning I left for Ireland. Huh. Does this mean God loves me? thinks I matter?
Well, here's another conundrum. Back in the day...I was 29 or so, Katie was 3 y/o and Jim and I were in trouble. I had gotten myself so worked up over DIVORCE???? and lesbian???? (really, you must whisper lesbian it was so evil) that I had strep throat. I know this now b/c I am "medical", but then I was "Christian Science" so divorcelesbianstrepthroat were all impossible. And there was this piece of me, way down deep, that truly believed, that I deserved the immense pain I was in - both emotional and physical, b/c I was so bad. I really thought God was punishing me.
My head could not wrap around what was happening to me. Does it seem symbolic that I could not even swallow? My throat was so swollen I couldn't swallow...or talk...or eat. Nothin'. So I'm walking through my house (Jim was not there, as he had gone back to his job in St. Louis) crying and wondering what I was going to do?
I remember falling on my knees - literally falling on my knees. Now Christian Scientists do not do this - we're not Catholic after all...but I fell on my knees and just hoped to die. Truly. And what I heard was, "You are my beloved Daughter, in whom I am well pleased." Big booming voice, right inside my head, no mistaking it.
Now this was a big deal, in and of itself - but you know what else? My strep throat was gone. I'm serious. No pain. No swelling. Able to swallow. Gone. So just in case I didn't really believe the "beloved Daughter" part...I experienced the most instantaneous and dramatic healing of my life...and at the time when I was truly in hell.
This went against everything I had been taught in CS...you only experience healing, especially instantaneous healing, when you become inspired, find a new "Truth" in God. When you are good. None of which I was.
So when Rev Carol talked this morning of being "called" by God - it seemed very symbolic of my decision to go to seminary and study God. And for the first time in my life, I am embarking on an education I truly believe God wants me to do. I have no doubt that there will be lots of doubts...but in the end, when I finally have my MDiv in my hand, I believe God will have pointed out what my true calling is, and how the first 51 years of my life have been preparation. Who knew?
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