Depression

It sucks.  It just sits in your chest like a canon ball, weighing down and drowning any good ideas or possibilities.  This isn't about my self-esteem so much, as it's about my being.  This time it's organic, systemic, and just takes all the color out of life.  Why now? Why won't it resolve? and what to do?

This damn diet - which I am no longer on, seems to have triggered the bastard.  At first it was memories of Mom and Dad trying to take Katie.  Then it was the stress around when Dad was dying, then it was remembering my family's response when we asked them to come to my wedding to Shari.  Always plenty to be sad about...and let go of...and process.  I'm ready for it to be gone.

That's the thing that sucks about depression.  I feel so helpless caught in its jaws.  Everyone tries to "cheer me up" or talk me out of it or tell me to "buck up and move on"...wouldn't that be nice?  The truth is in my experience, is that it moves out when it's done.  I see a therapist, I see a chiropractor who balances and stimulates and treats whatever comes up...I want to tell all the "buck up" people - "What else is it you want me to do?"  Oh - they want me to just let it go.  And wouldn't that be lovely?

Another truth is that I need to let it process to let it be cleaned out of my system.  I don't want it to stay hidden and buried, I want it out!  And I need a job, then these posts will actually be interesting, rather than whining.