Who Is God?

Does this seem like a good question for a seminary student to be asking or does it seem like I should have that answer all worked out?  I've realized in the last few days, that good or bad...I don't know the answer.  I think it has to do with changes.  I've had one or two in the last few years.

First Mom and Dad moved to St Louis for a year, Mom had 4 surgeries (and yes, she was her usual pleasant and cooperative self...add in sardonic grin), Dad was diagnosed with Alzheimers (actually, they were both diagnosed with Alzheimers), Dad was on dialysis and oh - small things...Katie was a senior in high school and I was trying to run a company.

Then Mom and Dad moved back home (good for me, bad for them...Dad started wandering and falling, Mom was still Mom...) and the flights to Texas started.  I think I travelled to Bovina or Lubbock over 30 times in 3 years. 
Katie had started college (never did get to truly enjoy her senior year or grieve her leaving home), I moved my company to a new and improved location, sold my house in Ballwin and built one in Waterloo.  My best friend was diagnosed with Lou Gehrigs and my dog died.  Another good friend died of colon cancer and then Dad died.  And that doesn't begin to describe the trauma.

I was raised in Christian Science, but left them when they emotionally kicked me out for being gay, went through the New Age movement, found MCC or the "gay church", and then left all of that.  Found peace in gardening and being alone...and then found Diana's Grove.  I'm not sure I'm into Paganism as much as I connected with the kindness and spiritual hunger of those at DG.

I sold my company (and Praise God truly for that!) and have had almost 2 years off.  Now the last year has been spent exploring seminaries...but I am no closer to adopting a theology or creed.  In fact, I'm not sure God is anything but a human construct and Jesus nothing but a bunch of stories based on several people and mythology.  (my apologies to anyone I have totally offended)
Except that recently I was with a friend when she had a seizure and I prayed and "laid hands" on her.  Her seizure was mild according to another friend and I felt a "presence" when I prayed...a comfort.

Depression

It sucks.  It just sits in your chest like a canon ball, weighing down and drowning any good ideas or possibilities.  This isn't about my self-esteem so much, as it's about my being.  This time it's organic, systemic, and just takes all the color out of life.  Why now? Why won't it resolve? and what to do?

This damn diet - which I am no longer on, seems to have triggered the bastard.  At first it was memories of Mom and Dad trying to take Katie.  Then it was the stress around when Dad was dying, then it was remembering my family's response when we asked them to come to my wedding to Shari.  Always plenty to be sad about...and let go of...and process.  I'm ready for it to be gone.

That's the thing that sucks about depression.  I feel so helpless caught in its jaws.  Everyone tries to "cheer me up" or talk me out of it or tell me to "buck up and move on"...wouldn't that be nice?  The truth is in my experience, is that it moves out when it's done.  I see a therapist, I see a chiropractor who balances and stimulates and treats whatever comes up...I want to tell all the "buck up" people - "What else is it you want me to do?"  Oh - they want me to just let it go.  And wouldn't that be lovely?

Another truth is that I need to let it process to let it be cleaned out of my system.  I don't want it to stay hidden and buried, I want it out!  And I need a job, then these posts will actually be interesting, rather than whining.

So, truly - do you have to be right?  How about "heard"...what if you just don't agree?  What happens then?  What I said was, "I don't agree"...what I felt and expressed by myself was rage.

How can you not agree that people are equal???  The truth is that people don't agree...from their heart.  Does one of us have to be shot?  This is where the peace process hits the pavement.  When we truly don't agree, on core issues, what do we do then?