ANOTHER Seminary

Last weekend, Jules and I had a huge fight.  This weekend we had a powerful and inspiring time together.  The contrast is enormous and a little confusing.  Let's just go straight to the good part, 'k?  I mean, who wants to share their dirty laundry?  Just know that this weekend we were both feeling vulnerable and "gun shy" with each other, and didn't start out feeling connected. Oh - and we are on this Hcg diet that is 500 calories a day (doctor supervised with homeopathic drops that tell your body to burn fat...it works, but its HARD!), she is not sure she will have a job by March 20, AND Meadville Lombard, UU seminary, denied my application request.

When I got the call from Meadville, they told me I didn't have enough congregational experience and that I was till searching.  I didn't really understand the searching part...if I'm not searching, I'm dead.  Don't other people feel that way?  Guess not.  At first I was devastated.  I mean, it's rejection, right?  Except I have made A's on my papers from Meadville, so it's not about my academic ability...so I talked to a UU minister here in St. Louis.  He said he could see that Meadville wants minister's that come from a congregation, a support group...they want to train strong leaders for the UU denomination.  Basically, since I'm not drinking the coolaid...they're not interested.

And I'm not drinking the coolaid.  I was happy with UU b/c of the broad range of theologies and skills that I would learn and be exposed to.  Did their theology "feed me"?  No.  I found being fed by a UU sermon to be very "hit and miss".  I also could never see myself preaching in a UU church.  I kept getting caught up in what you could and couldn't say...can't say God, or prayer, or Jesus...but if you go Humanist or Atheist or whatever, then you offend those that aren't.  I never could get around that in my head and Jules kept the mantra going for me..."you are there to get a Master's...you are there to get a Master's"!  So maybe it's a good thing I'm not going to Meadville.  Didn't feel that way in the beginning, but I'm pretty relieved right now.

Yet here's the deal...where to go now?  I'm talking to the admissions director today at 1:00 for Eden Christian Seminary, here in St. Louis.  I would go to classes on campus, be able to be in community with students and faculty, be in discussion through out the classes, rather than just a week of intensives...and I wouldn't have to go to Chicago in the winter!  The negatives are that I am locked into St Louis for 4 years and if Jules needs to move for a job, then what do we do?  I am also locked into a school schedule for 4 years...none of this travelling around to see Katie or whatever, while I do my homework on the road!

The bigger question is...can I do a Christian seminary?  I'm leary of all the Jesusfreakhappyheisourlordandsaviour stuff.  Yet, the classes I enjoyed the most over this last year, that gave me the most food for thought, were "Progressive Christianity" and "First (old) Testament".  I also recognize and am comfortable with most Christian language...praying, God, Christ etc...except, I'm also into Paganism (Earth religions) and astrology.  Do I come clean about that or keep it in the closet?  You all know I am not good at political games or being less than honest.  Paganism is NOT evil and has given me some of my greatest inspiration and break throughs into my own psyche.

Oh - the good part.  Jules and I went out on Saturday night - saw some original theatre based on gay issues, hung out with a bunch of gay people and other than we couldn't eat or drink...had a good time.  Then Sunday, went to church and Reverend Carol preached right to me.  Talked about how your own religious philosophy is as good as anyone else's and no one can tell you what to believe.  The choir was also fantabulous!  and Jules even went up to get a prayer/blessing with me...that is a true break-thro and maybe the beginning of healing for her with some nasty religious wounds.

All in all, it was a terrific weekend, although I am ready for real food and glass of red wine.  Sooner rather than later.

Love Hurts

Wow - so Jules and I just had a huge fight and all I can say is that it sucks.  I don't understand her, she doesn't understand me - men are from Mars, women are from Venus...except we are both women.  The really ironic thing is that I feel like my communication skills are much improved since my last relationship - but Jules and I are so different...that corporate vs woowoo thing.  It's also incredibly frustrating (well, on many levels!) to see how our histories are dictating how we react, interpret, and "allow" each other to "be".  And of course, without our histories, we wouldn't be who we are and thus, not have fallen in love with each other.

A wierd thing - I always expect my current partner to leave.  I am always terrified they will leave and always think the worst when there is a disagreement.  Yet, I have been the one to leave in 95% of my relationships. It's not that I leave before they can, I have needed to leave every single time that I did, and would do it again.  So why am I always so frightened that they will leave?  I'm sure Freud would love me.

So in my last post, I said I knew how to manifest.  What I don't know how to do is work through difficult things in an intimate relationship.  I want to fold, to acquiesce, to give in and fix it!  NOW.  I also want to stand up for myself, be clear in what I feel and think, not agree when I don't, and even allow myself to get mad.  I also (yes, there are multiple voices - I'm only giving you 3!) want to understand where she is coming from, be the damn bomb diggity in my communication skills, and always resolve every situation.

I just don't think that's too much to ask, do you?  Those of you in long-term relationships...how do you get through a horrible fight?  Do you always carry a piece of that fight with you?  I don't want to build up walls...I am just starting to take the ones down that I put up previously!