Life is damn good. Classes are fascinating, there is an amazing woman in my life, and those I love are doing well. Katie is blissed out in Michigan (she could miss me a LITTLE more...c'est la vie), she will be home at the end of October and I am ready to see her. Lots of learning going on, God is getting bigger and bigger and I am finding a path to witness that expansion. God is good all the time.
Life after July...I met Jules on July 30. I wish I could convey how beautiful she is...both physically and emotionally. This is good for me:) It's building my confidence...does that make any sense? She is also a graduate of Yale, an incredibly successful business woman, and knows who she is. I am continually astounded at how sure she is of what she wants. She also has a big heart. She heard the testimony of a woman at church who couldn't buy her daughter shoes and so she emptied her wallet and gave this woman the cash...$400 in cash. And she's far better than I am at talking to people...people off the street that she doesn't know. I have never seen her be short or nasty with anyone that has approached her, for whatever reason.
The point of this blog tho, is to tell you about my new interpretation of the Prodigal Son story. We heard it Sunday night at MCC (Metropolitan Community Church) and it got me thinking about Joseph Campbell's description of the Hero's Journey. He says in order for the Hero to succeed, he first must get off the couch and go on his journey, and then he must fail. He must be stupid, trust the wrong person, do the wrong thing, and eventually, ask/need help. Only then can he succeed at his journey. So the definition of hero is not success, but failure.
So the Prodigal Son (PS) takes up his hero's journey and makes sure he is well supplied. Well, he gets out in the world and finds things are not as they seem and he fails big time. He ends up in a pigsty, (a good Jewish boy in a pigsty...not a choice most would make) and realizes that he has hit bottom. This is when he decides to truly risk, by going home...not when he took his inheritance and left, but when he became humble enough to look at himself and ask for mercy.
His Father famously says, "All that I have is thine". Do we truly know this about our God and life force? Do we truly know that all that God, the Universe, the Goddess is...is ours? I think we only believe what we can conceive of. Maybe this is when we define a miracle...when something happens that we could not conceive of...but in truth, that potential was always there. How much more potential is just waiting for us, surrounding us, but we want to "see" it, control it and so limit it?
So "all that I have is thine"...and the PS is now his own hero...having learned humility, many things about himself, and no small thing...that his Father loves him no matter what. We can only hope that the PS will continue his quest for learning and life...but what about the 2nd son? He was pissed! Was it pure jealousy? There certainly doesn't seem to be much love lost between brothers, but who can blame 2nd son? Except...2nd son has his own path and it is not the path of PS. So what is there to be jealous of? What if 2nd son is really jealous b/c PS had the courage to go on his first hero's journey...had the courage to fail? Did 2nd son really get up off the couch and take his own path, or just do what was easiest and expected of him? AND - 2nd son has not stretched his love for himself, nor his concept of his Father's love...and so doesn't know how big that could be.
My thought is that 2nd son is afraid...afraid that he can't handle failure...that he can't pick himself up out of his own pigsty, afraid he wouldn't have the courage to ask for help, and especially afraid his Father won't love him, if he does something stupid. So he chooses to be mad at his big brother...and wow, I wonder who was hurt by 2nd son staying outside in the heat, sweaty and smelly and not eating or drinking? Reminds me of the analogy of hate...drinking poison and hoping someone else dies from it...
The bottom line is we all get to play these roles sometime in our lives. When have you been the PS? When have you been the 2nd son? When have you been the Father? truly seeing someone's potential for life, in spite of their screw-ups? When has someone held your "potential space" for you, until you were ready to see it? An important thing to remember as well? None of these roles could have been played out, without each of the other roles. We are all connected, all teachers, all students...all at the same time.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Monday, September 12, 2011
July was Hell
So, in July, my brother and I, my sister-in-law (may she stay home next time), my daughter and their oldest daughter...went to Bovina, Texas to clean out my parents' house. We have sold it to the neighbor's grandson and in the end, it is a good thing. Suffice it to say, this was an emotional, volatile, and extremely hard thing to do. Thank God I had Katie there...she is such a blessing.
So the following week, I headed back to school. I am doing some marketing for the seminary and we had a 3! hour team meeting while I was there. God save me. This is why I liked being boss - NEVER did I have a 3 hour meeting. Corporate is also a new concept for me...in that new ideas are not really that welcomed. Everytime I offered a new idea or questioned something...I was shut down. They want to bring in all these new students, revitalize the seminary, but not do anything any differently. I believe that is the definition of insanity.
Well, that meeting did not go well, but I left being very clear as to what my perameters were, around what they wanted me to do...so that was good. Then in class the next day, the dean told me to shut up. Yep, 3rd time's a charm! The instructor had told us to discuss the new concept he had just taught, with our partners, which I did. During this discussion period, the dean says, "Would everyone stop their side conversations! Sue is trying to share!" There were several comments to the dean, as we were all doing what we were told to do. I also made a comment, which I do not remember the jist of, and the dean turns to me and says, "Scorpios like it blunt? You need to shut up!"
I've been all over the map in my reaction and processing of this event. I've blamed myself, I've been angry, I've asked "How did I attract this? What am I to learn?" I've also felt ashamed and just shut down. No one else is being yelled at...why me? What did I do to cause it? I've also realized I am not responsible for other people's actions...but I've also been yelled at 3 times!!! In a seminary. Truly there is something wrong with this picture.
Maybe it is my fault. Maybe it isn't. The dean apologized to me personally the next morning, but it was one of those apologies that makes it worse. "I shouldnt' have yelled at you b/c I'm the dean, you're the student. I now know how Stan feels (see previous blog) when he said he felt your sting." So you're saying...it's MY fault? I caused your actions??? In a class...where you were not the instructor, nor listening to the instructions?? WTF?
Here's the thing. The first time I was yelled at, in April, I had asked a question. What still concerns me is that the instructors (of which one was the dean) did not stop this student from yelling at me and continuing to snipe at and interrupt me for the whole class. The second time, with Stan... There were others that said and did a lot more, but I got yelled at. This last time? I still don't know what I said that made the dean "feel my sting"...but she should have addressed that at a different time, not in class...and she should not have brought up Stan, nor blamed me for her actions.
There are those who won't believe me. You've either felt my sting yourself, or seen my volatility, or just figure I deserved it if it happened 3 times. Here's the bottom line for me. I'm in seminary. If I can't ask questions and not be yelled at, something is wrong. If I am doing something that is out of line and inappropriate, someone needs to talk to me, not yell at me in class. The determining factor for me? I do not have any faith that this won't keep happening. I do not feel the instructors, including the dean, have the appropriate skills to keep Stan in line, or themselves.
Here's what a friend of mine pointed out. I have endured a lot of verbal abuse in my life. When this started happening at seminary, I tried to get past it and think it didn't matter. The truth is, it does matter. I deserve a safe place to get an education. What occurred to me, is that SSS is still recovering from PTSD...that campus feels like somebody bombed them. Remember they forced the original leader out and the current dean just came on in January? The previous leader was awful! Yelling at everybody and telling them they were evil! So maybe SSS doesn't recognize verbal abuse when they hear it either. And that is not a situation I want to stay in.
What this means is that I am transferring to the Unitarian Universalist Seminary in Chicago. I can't be matriculated in as a full-time seminary student until June, 2012...but I can start accredited classes this fall. Let's just assume I will be accepted, b/c I am a good student and good person, Scorpio or not! My decision is not just based on how I've been treated...but also on the lack of accredation that SSS has. Of the instructors that I've had, only the dean and her husband have a master's degree themselves. Their "counseling" class that I took in June, was a joke and I'm not certain at all, that I will have the skills I need at the end of 4 years, if I stay at SSS. I can also get a dual master's at UU in Chicago...Master's of Divinity and Master's of Arts in Leadership.
I'm guessing I might have to work a tad bit harder....UU actually gives you a reading list BEFORE the class! They work on an intensive schedule as well, I only have to spend 1 week on campus per class, but I am given the reading assignment 3 months in advance and will have conference calls and online study groups on a weekly basis. I'm guessing I WILL come out of this program with the skills I need and the seminary is much more recognized!
After all of this in Oklahoma, I still had to go back to Texas and finish Mom and Dad's house. The good news is that I went by myself and got some very healing "alone time" there...some closure. It was quite needed and welcome. Ok - if any of you have made it all the way thro this blog...I thank you for listening.
So the following week, I headed back to school. I am doing some marketing for the seminary and we had a 3! hour team meeting while I was there. God save me. This is why I liked being boss - NEVER did I have a 3 hour meeting. Corporate is also a new concept for me...in that new ideas are not really that welcomed. Everytime I offered a new idea or questioned something...I was shut down. They want to bring in all these new students, revitalize the seminary, but not do anything any differently. I believe that is the definition of insanity.
Well, that meeting did not go well, but I left being very clear as to what my perameters were, around what they wanted me to do...so that was good. Then in class the next day, the dean told me to shut up. Yep, 3rd time's a charm! The instructor had told us to discuss the new concept he had just taught, with our partners, which I did. During this discussion period, the dean says, "Would everyone stop their side conversations! Sue is trying to share!" There were several comments to the dean, as we were all doing what we were told to do. I also made a comment, which I do not remember the jist of, and the dean turns to me and says, "Scorpios like it blunt? You need to shut up!"
I've been all over the map in my reaction and processing of this event. I've blamed myself, I've been angry, I've asked "How did I attract this? What am I to learn?" I've also felt ashamed and just shut down. No one else is being yelled at...why me? What did I do to cause it? I've also realized I am not responsible for other people's actions...but I've also been yelled at 3 times!!! In a seminary. Truly there is something wrong with this picture.
Maybe it is my fault. Maybe it isn't. The dean apologized to me personally the next morning, but it was one of those apologies that makes it worse. "I shouldnt' have yelled at you b/c I'm the dean, you're the student. I now know how Stan feels (see previous blog) when he said he felt your sting." So you're saying...it's MY fault? I caused your actions??? In a class...where you were not the instructor, nor listening to the instructions?? WTF?
Here's the thing. The first time I was yelled at, in April, I had asked a question. What still concerns me is that the instructors (of which one was the dean) did not stop this student from yelling at me and continuing to snipe at and interrupt me for the whole class. The second time, with Stan... There were others that said and did a lot more, but I got yelled at. This last time? I still don't know what I said that made the dean "feel my sting"...but she should have addressed that at a different time, not in class...and she should not have brought up Stan, nor blamed me for her actions.
There are those who won't believe me. You've either felt my sting yourself, or seen my volatility, or just figure I deserved it if it happened 3 times. Here's the bottom line for me. I'm in seminary. If I can't ask questions and not be yelled at, something is wrong. If I am doing something that is out of line and inappropriate, someone needs to talk to me, not yell at me in class. The determining factor for me? I do not have any faith that this won't keep happening. I do not feel the instructors, including the dean, have the appropriate skills to keep Stan in line, or themselves.
Here's what a friend of mine pointed out. I have endured a lot of verbal abuse in my life. When this started happening at seminary, I tried to get past it and think it didn't matter. The truth is, it does matter. I deserve a safe place to get an education. What occurred to me, is that SSS is still recovering from PTSD...that campus feels like somebody bombed them. Remember they forced the original leader out and the current dean just came on in January? The previous leader was awful! Yelling at everybody and telling them they were evil! So maybe SSS doesn't recognize verbal abuse when they hear it either. And that is not a situation I want to stay in.
What this means is that I am transferring to the Unitarian Universalist Seminary in Chicago. I can't be matriculated in as a full-time seminary student until June, 2012...but I can start accredited classes this fall. Let's just assume I will be accepted, b/c I am a good student and good person, Scorpio or not! My decision is not just based on how I've been treated...but also on the lack of accredation that SSS has. Of the instructors that I've had, only the dean and her husband have a master's degree themselves. Their "counseling" class that I took in June, was a joke and I'm not certain at all, that I will have the skills I need at the end of 4 years, if I stay at SSS. I can also get a dual master's at UU in Chicago...Master's of Divinity and Master's of Arts in Leadership.
I'm guessing I might have to work a tad bit harder....UU actually gives you a reading list BEFORE the class! They work on an intensive schedule as well, I only have to spend 1 week on campus per class, but I am given the reading assignment 3 months in advance and will have conference calls and online study groups on a weekly basis. I'm guessing I WILL come out of this program with the skills I need and the seminary is much more recognized!
After all of this in Oklahoma, I still had to go back to Texas and finish Mom and Dad's house. The good news is that I went by myself and got some very healing "alone time" there...some closure. It was quite needed and welcome. Ok - if any of you have made it all the way thro this blog...I thank you for listening.
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