Love Hurts

Wow - so Jules and I just had a huge fight and all I can say is that it sucks.  I don't understand her, she doesn't understand me - men are from Mars, women are from Venus...except we are both women.  The really ironic thing is that I feel like my communication skills are much improved since my last relationship - but Jules and I are so different...that corporate vs woowoo thing.  It's also incredibly frustrating (well, on many levels!) to see how our histories are dictating how we react, interpret, and "allow" each other to "be".  And of course, without our histories, we wouldn't be who we are and thus, not have fallen in love with each other.

A wierd thing - I always expect my current partner to leave.  I am always terrified they will leave and always think the worst when there is a disagreement.  Yet, I have been the one to leave in 95% of my relationships. It's not that I leave before they can, I have needed to leave every single time that I did, and would do it again.  So why am I always so frightened that they will leave?  I'm sure Freud would love me.

So in my last post, I said I knew how to manifest.  What I don't know how to do is work through difficult things in an intimate relationship.  I want to fold, to acquiesce, to give in and fix it!  NOW.  I also want to stand up for myself, be clear in what I feel and think, not agree when I don't, and even allow myself to get mad.  I also (yes, there are multiple voices - I'm only giving you 3!) want to understand where she is coming from, be the damn bomb diggity in my communication skills, and always resolve every situation.

I just don't think that's too much to ask, do you?  Those of you in long-term relationships...how do you get through a horrible fight?  Do you always carry a piece of that fight with you?  I don't want to build up walls...I am just starting to take the ones down that I put up previously!

 

I Know How to Do This

Jules is at a big YUM conference...and they just sold her entire division.  This means she will be out of a job as of March 1.  The interesting thing is how much she has changed since we fell in love...she is now open to manifesting, believing in her instincts, and can even entertain the concept of "better than I can imagine":)    Kids - I know how to do this.  I do.  I know how to think positive, align my energy, manifest what I want, and all the steps leading up to this and after it.  I've done it, I've lived it, I've stressed over it.  The great news?  It's so much easier to see it in someone else, rather than yourself!  I am SO excited to see where this goes!

So - Jules is not quite so excited.  In fact, she is freaking out.  The great thing??  She has me.  Ok - that concept is awesome in itself...when have I EVER said or believed, that having me in one's life is a good thing?  But kids...I know how to do this!  Do I know that there will be challenges and breakthroughs and rough spots and overwhelming gratitude?  YES!  YES I do!  and Jules has so many talents and skills...and is so open to loving...she wants to love life, she has just been taught to be afraid and to talk negative...I mean...hell, what if you're wrong??  Seriously.  Can you imagine all that we are going to learn from this??  Can you imagine where she and I will end up when the day is over?  nope.  Who knows??

Can I just tell you how nice it is to be the stable one??  Go ahead - LOL - I know that could change at any moment...but at THIS moment, I am the stable one.  I know what I want, what I'm going for and I feel good.  I am also certain of Spirit in my life, that God is Good, ALL THE TIME...no exceptions.  So I can teach this to Jules, I can exemplify it, I can hold space for her while she comes into her own.  She has so many talents...truly...she can manage building contractors, train managers, build a team from nothing! to being in the top 5%...in less than a year.  Oh she has skills...just seeing that they can transfer to another profession is where she is limited.  Yet, she is so smart...Yale graduate and all that...her mind works so efficiently.  Once she "gets" this concept, she will latch onto it and YEEHAW!

So you all are my witnesses...hold space for me, holding space for her, holding space for God's great gifts.

Meadville Seminary

Didn't have to wait long for another post, huh?  Nope.  I'm in the mood, lonely, and nobody to talk to - so there ya go.  This week at Meadville Unitarian Universalist Seminary, in Chicago, has been an experience.  It has not been as emotionally disturbing, faith changing as my experiences at Sancta Sophia...but give them time.  Coming to Chicago, staying in an apartment I have never seen before, learning to negotiate the public transit system, and be totally alone in a city the size of Chicago...has been humbling.  On the whole - it's been great!  The first full week - it was 60 degrees...these last few days?  Snow and single digits with wind chill.  There is nothing like the wind chill off of Lake Michigan in Chicago.  When you come around the corner at Harrison and Michigan...it can almost take you off your feet.  Losing the feeling in your hands, happens in just moments. I'll be back in March, July and September...I'll let you know if there is wind chill or heat index.

What I found is that I don't gain any energy from church structure.  In fact, it exhausts me.  Thank God for Jules knowing corporate politics...she coaches me..."stay quiet, doodle, look up and smile".  I don't care if UU expands.  I don't.  I have my own spiritual path and I hope to influence others in their spiritual path...but it doesn't need to be in UU terms, not at all.  I hate politics and it totally annoys me to have someone inflict it on my spirituality.  And dear God - they are SO intellectual!  and diverse, which is good, right?  Except for all the humanists, atheists, and "recovering" everything, so that everything you say is controversial.  You can't pray or mention God, and certainly not Jesus!

and yet...they are totally pluralistic...meaning, they include all LGBT, all races, cultures, and lifestyles...and they mean it!  I'm guessing that 1/3-1/2 of the student population is gay.  All I can tell you is how fabulous that is.  To see many expressions of gay people being intelligent, strong, thoughtful and powerful!  it is just inspiring!  I can't tell you how huge this is...and I'm not sure I can give it up...no matter how wierd some of the other stuff they do is.

For instance - they have no passion.  Ok - that's not true.  Most of them believe in social justice, in a very passionate way...and act out that passion in very practical, concrete ways.  They do lots and lots of good things for the disenfranchised communities and are totally committed to that path.  But passion in their spirituality?  In their church services or music?  not.  When you have to be so careful not to offend ANYBODY...well, it dilutes the Spirit, ya know?

Can I be involved in a church and seminary that doesn't imbibe the Spirit?    I am here for an MDiv.  I am here for an MDiv.  It's my new mantra. It's going to be hard.  Really hard.  I remember the question being asked at Sancta Sophia..."What does it mean to worship a God who was crucified?"  Well, UU's don't really have a God, so they don't have to answer that difficult question.  But they also don't experience bliss in their church services, or their music, or in a god...at least that I have seen.  Let's just hope I haven't seen enough yet.

Recycling as a Romantic Endeavor

So Jules is corporate.  She works as an executive for YUM corporation.  She has had to deal with the "moguls" in trash and the amount of money they make, for the lousy job they do...irritates her...MORE than irritates her.  She doesn't believe that recycling really happens the way it's supposed to...but I am committed to recycling.  Totally committed.  I collect, sort and DRIVE my recycling to a depository several miles away.  Here in Chicago, this apartment building...there is no recycling.  It has made me crazy and I have walked my recycling to a dumpster several blocks away.  I repeat, I am committed.  However, Jules is not.

So, when we are at her house in the city, I collect our recycling and bring it back to Waterloo.  At first, she totally balked at me doing that.  Today, she is in Las Vegas at a conference...but on her way to the airport, she recycled.  For me.  Do you understand what I am saying??? She recycled, without me there, for me.  It made me cry.        Shut up!          It totally made me cry.              I'm gonna marry this woman.  Did I mention that she is beautiful? OMG - she takes my breath away.

Jules so wants to be loved, as do I...for who we are...but we are independant, stubborn, opinionated, and STRONG women...sometimes that's really hard to love...or maybe it's us allowing the love...
do you remember the song from Sound of Music...between Maria and Christopher?  "I Must Have Done Something Good"?  It's true.  I must have done something good to deserve this fabulous woman's love.  Ok - I get it - it's totally annoying to read someone else's gushiness...too damn bad.  I love this woman...and the point?  She is "able" for me.  She is "big" enough...capable of handling me...my independant, stubborn, opinionated strength....and my love - or at least she is learning to.  And so am I.

Damn - so this blog was supposed to be about my newest seminary experience.  Guess you'll have to wait.

Happy Happy, Joy Joy

Guess what??  I'm engaged:)  Fascinating, isn't it?  The woman who said she would never get married again...famous last words, I guess.  The deal is, we (Jules and I) are doing this so differently than I've ever done a relatiohship before...that is good, since I don't have a stellar track record, to say the least.  So, we are engaged (we exchanged rings:) but with no date for the wedding; we want to move in together, but haven't yet;  Jules is going to church with me and I am watching football with her...making Sundays a true multi-faith event...LOL.

So life is good!  Certainly on a personal level...and let me mention that Katie is doing great, loving her job, living in Michigan, and working out her life in a fabulous "Katydid' way.  My life is also great on a...professional? level!    What do I call my student status?  I feel like I have truly found my calling!  People seem to be coming out of the woodwork to talk to me, wanting me to hear them, give them feedback.  It's been amazing...and wonderful...humbling too. 

Anyway - now is the time to start my application essay for seminary...and

Holy Cow!  I just looked at the requirements (for the essay...) - 6-8 pages! answering
*What are my deepest religious questions?
*What is your current sense of your own strengths and growing edges for ministry?
*A statement of your academic and professional objectives in applying to Meadville with specific reference to your proposed degree progaram and career objectives:
 - why are you applying to Meadville Lomvard?
 - What kinds of challenges or fifts are you anticipating in pursuing an MDiv or MALS (master's in leadership...I'm going for both)?

Damn - it's not that I don't know all of that...but putting it not only in words but on paper that is not in "Cindy speak"...

So send me prayers and ideas - I will post more as there is more:)

Progress

These posts are a little out of order, as I hold onto them too long as drafts...

These last few days I have been re-reading my journal from the last year.  It begins in January, 2011, when I went through so much trauma with my mom and so much blessing with my brother.  It continues on through my first excitement at Sancta Sophia and then on through the lessons and experiences from there.  Re-reading my journals often helps me to connect dots that I hadn't previously seen and this is quite a valuable tool.

In April, on my second trip to Sancta Sophia, I was quite nervous for no reason that I could ascertain.  In hindsight, it looks as though my intuition was really ramping up...even getting precognitive information!  Reading about signs and information that I was getting but couldn't understand, now is much more clear.  I tend to blame myself for not understanding my intuition...I'm not good enough, I don't trust myself, if only I was smarter, etc etc.  What I see now is that there was no way i could understand the info i was getting...I didn't have a context for it.  I thought I was learning to trust myself more, and while that is valuable, what I was really learning was to value myself for who I am.  I had 3 major experiences with people yelling at me, telling me to shut up...for 1) asking a question about God, 2) for disagreeing with a student, 3) and for the Dean's misunderstanding of class directions.  Wow, really?
Yet b/c of my experience at SS, I have expanded my concept of God tremendously!  I have many new theories, more options and a more satisfying relationship with the Divine Mystery.  If I hadn't gone to SS, I might not have gained these insights and thus not been open to other concepts.  As I am reading material for my classes in Chicago, I find myself able to absorb and be open to new concepts, far more readily than I did before. 

The biggest thing tho - is to keep my heart open and vulnerable to myself.  I have learned a great deal about valuing my feelings, my worth and my right to be treated with respect.  Fascinating isnt' it?  To learn to value myself b/c of people telling me to shut up?  Especially the Dean - b/c of her poor behavior, I was willing to look at other schools and find what I believe to be a much better match on all levels.  I think Meadville will give me far more concrete skills, more credibility, and a broader education.
This valuing myself, has resulted in my coming up in the dating world...allowing myself to date a woman who has many of the qualities I asked for, but couldn't accept that I deserved.  She is physically stunning...I mean, she is beautiful...and she wants to be with me!  Ain't that somethin'?  She is also highly intelligent, (Yale graduate and extremely successful business woman), wealthy, sophisticated, well the list goes on and on...but she also has a great sense of humor, loves her life and allows me mine.  LOL - some time ago I said that the perfect woman for me would be someone who travelled a lot and only came home on weekends.  Well, Jules doesnt' travel, but she is corporate...works 12-16 hour days (can you imagine??) and so, I typically only see her on weekends.  Be careful what you ask for, right?

Breaking Open

Life continues to provide opportunities to open my heart, step out of my box, and commit to peace.  Practicing mindfulness and praying while disagreeing with someone, "Please help me with this, Lord," is humbling and brings me back to center.  I am reminded of my goal - to stay in my own core, to live in my potential, to stand firm in my truth...as I listen, see thro someone else's eyes, and finally, let it be enough to have said my truth.

Is it that I am 51, going on 52 that enables me to see when I am not going to be heard...and let it go?  When did having peace become more important than being right?  Well, at least sometimes this is true...and sometimes, it's important, for whatever reason, to get mad - and say so.  The philosophy of "feeling your feelings"...it is so valuable, but never easy, and the path of "what to do with them" is seldom clear.

Ok - enough philosophy:)  You all need to read "Here When You Need Me" by Kate Braestrup.  It is profound, entertaining, will make you laugh and cry, numerous times.  She proposes that miracles are actually defined, by gratitude.  "A miracle is generally understood to be an extraordinary event that cannot be explained by any plausible application of natural laws and principles."  If extraordinary and unexplainable are the only definition, then horrible things are miracles as well.  Being in the wrong place at the wrong time, could be a miracle...but if we add gratitude...well, it changes everything.

I want to take this a step farther.  What if we are hoping for a miracle?  Actively working for a miracle?  I've recently began dating someone new.  She is NOTHING like anyone I have ever dated before...and if I can keep my core, stay in my truth, and let her encourage me to be more than I believe...will that be a miracle?  She is beautiful, intelligent, wealthy, and pushes me in my truth and in accepting my own greatness.  What if she's "the one"?

God works in mysterious ways and I also believes, has a sense of humor.  Loving is something I already know how to do...keeping myself intact is not.  This time I want to "break open" and love myself more deeply than I ever have.  I believe this will enable me to not only stay intact, but to expand my concept of love.  What do you think?