So Jules is corporate. She works as an executive for YUM corporation. She has had to deal with the "moguls" in trash and the amount of money they make, for the lousy job they do...irritates her...MORE than irritates her. She doesn't believe that recycling really happens the way it's supposed to...but I am committed to recycling. Totally committed. I collect, sort and DRIVE my recycling to a depository several miles away. Here in Chicago, this apartment building...there is no recycling. It has made me crazy and I have walked my recycling to a dumpster several blocks away. I repeat, I am committed. However, Jules is not.
So, when we are at her house in the city, I collect our recycling and bring it back to Waterloo. At first, she totally balked at me doing that. Today, she is in Las Vegas at a conference...but on her way to the airport, she recycled. For me. Do you understand what I am saying??? She recycled, without me there, for me. It made me cry. Shut up! It totally made me cry. I'm gonna marry this woman. Did I mention that she is beautiful? OMG - she takes my breath away.
Jules so wants to be loved, as do I...for who we are...but we are independant, stubborn, opinionated, and STRONG women...sometimes that's really hard to love...or maybe it's us allowing the love...
do you remember the song from Sound of Music...between Maria and Christopher? "I Must Have Done Something Good"? It's true. I must have done something good to deserve this fabulous woman's love. Ok - I get it - it's totally annoying to read someone else's gushiness...too damn bad. I love this woman...and the point? She is "able" for me. She is "big" enough...capable of handling me...my independant, stubborn, opinionated strength....and my love - or at least she is learning to. And so am I.
Damn - so this blog was supposed to be about my newest seminary experience. Guess you'll have to wait.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Friday, December 9, 2011
Happy Happy, Joy Joy
Guess what?? I'm engaged:) Fascinating, isn't it? The woman who said she would never get married again...famous last words, I guess. The deal is, we (Jules and I) are doing this so differently than I've ever done a relatiohship before...that is good, since I don't have a stellar track record, to say the least. So, we are engaged (we exchanged rings:) but with no date for the wedding; we want to move in together, but haven't yet; Jules is going to church with me and I am watching football with her...making Sundays a true multi-faith event...LOL.
So life is good! Certainly on a personal level...and let me mention that Katie is doing great, loving her job, living in Michigan, and working out her life in a fabulous "Katydid' way. My life is also great on a...professional? level! What do I call my student status? I feel like I have truly found my calling! People seem to be coming out of the woodwork to talk to me, wanting me to hear them, give them feedback. It's been amazing...and wonderful...humbling too.
Anyway - now is the time to start my application essay for seminary...and
Holy Cow! I just looked at the requirements (for the essay...) - 6-8 pages! answering
*What are my deepest religious questions?
*What is your current sense of your own strengths and growing edges for ministry?
*A statement of your academic and professional objectives in applying to Meadville with specific reference to your proposed degree progaram and career objectives:
- why are you applying to Meadville Lomvard?
- What kinds of challenges or fifts are you anticipating in pursuing an MDiv or MALS (master's in leadership...I'm going for both)?
Damn - it's not that I don't know all of that...but putting it not only in words but on paper that is not in "Cindy speak"...
So send me prayers and ideas - I will post more as there is more:)
So life is good! Certainly on a personal level...and let me mention that Katie is doing great, loving her job, living in Michigan, and working out her life in a fabulous "Katydid' way. My life is also great on a...professional? level! What do I call my student status? I feel like I have truly found my calling! People seem to be coming out of the woodwork to talk to me, wanting me to hear them, give them feedback. It's been amazing...and wonderful...humbling too.
Anyway - now is the time to start my application essay for seminary...and
Holy Cow! I just looked at the requirements (for the essay...) - 6-8 pages! answering
*What are my deepest religious questions?
*What is your current sense of your own strengths and growing edges for ministry?
*A statement of your academic and professional objectives in applying to Meadville with specific reference to your proposed degree progaram and career objectives:
- why are you applying to Meadville Lomvard?
- What kinds of challenges or fifts are you anticipating in pursuing an MDiv or MALS (master's in leadership...I'm going for both)?
Damn - it's not that I don't know all of that...but putting it not only in words but on paper that is not in "Cindy speak"...
So send me prayers and ideas - I will post more as there is more:)
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Progress
These posts are a little out of order, as I hold onto them too long as drafts...
These last few days I have been re-reading my journal from the last year. It begins in January, 2011, when I went through so much trauma with my mom and so much blessing with my brother. It continues on through my first excitement at Sancta Sophia and then on through the lessons and experiences from there. Re-reading my journals often helps me to connect dots that I hadn't previously seen and this is quite a valuable tool.
In April, on my second trip to Sancta Sophia, I was quite nervous for no reason that I could ascertain. In hindsight, it looks as though my intuition was really ramping up...even getting precognitive information! Reading about signs and information that I was getting but couldn't understand, now is much more clear. I tend to blame myself for not understanding my intuition...I'm not good enough, I don't trust myself, if only I was smarter, etc etc. What I see now is that there was no way i could understand the info i was getting...I didn't have a context for it. I thought I was learning to trust myself more, and while that is valuable, what I was really learning was to value myself for who I am. I had 3 major experiences with people yelling at me, telling me to shut up...for 1) asking a question about God, 2) for disagreeing with a student, 3) and for the Dean's misunderstanding of class directions. Wow, really?
Yet b/c of my experience at SS, I have expanded my concept of God tremendously! I have many new theories, more options and a more satisfying relationship with the Divine Mystery. If I hadn't gone to SS, I might not have gained these insights and thus not been open to other concepts. As I am reading material for my classes in Chicago, I find myself able to absorb and be open to new concepts, far more readily than I did before.
The biggest thing tho - is to keep my heart open and vulnerable to myself. I have learned a great deal about valuing my feelings, my worth and my right to be treated with respect. Fascinating isnt' it? To learn to value myself b/c of people telling me to shut up? Especially the Dean - b/c of her poor behavior, I was willing to look at other schools and find what I believe to be a much better match on all levels. I think Meadville will give me far more concrete skills, more credibility, and a broader education.
This valuing myself, has resulted in my coming up in the dating world...allowing myself to date a woman who has many of the qualities I asked for, but couldn't accept that I deserved. She is physically stunning...I mean, she is beautiful...and she wants to be with me! Ain't that somethin'? She is also highly intelligent, (Yale graduate and extremely successful business woman), wealthy, sophisticated, well the list goes on and on...but she also has a great sense of humor, loves her life and allows me mine. LOL - some time ago I said that the perfect woman for me would be someone who travelled a lot and only came home on weekends. Well, Jules doesnt' travel, but she is corporate...works 12-16 hour days (can you imagine??) and so, I typically only see her on weekends. Be careful what you ask for, right?
These last few days I have been re-reading my journal from the last year. It begins in January, 2011, when I went through so much trauma with my mom and so much blessing with my brother. It continues on through my first excitement at Sancta Sophia and then on through the lessons and experiences from there. Re-reading my journals often helps me to connect dots that I hadn't previously seen and this is quite a valuable tool.
In April, on my second trip to Sancta Sophia, I was quite nervous for no reason that I could ascertain. In hindsight, it looks as though my intuition was really ramping up...even getting precognitive information! Reading about signs and information that I was getting but couldn't understand, now is much more clear. I tend to blame myself for not understanding my intuition...I'm not good enough, I don't trust myself, if only I was smarter, etc etc. What I see now is that there was no way i could understand the info i was getting...I didn't have a context for it. I thought I was learning to trust myself more, and while that is valuable, what I was really learning was to value myself for who I am. I had 3 major experiences with people yelling at me, telling me to shut up...for 1) asking a question about God, 2) for disagreeing with a student, 3) and for the Dean's misunderstanding of class directions. Wow, really?
Yet b/c of my experience at SS, I have expanded my concept of God tremendously! I have many new theories, more options and a more satisfying relationship with the Divine Mystery. If I hadn't gone to SS, I might not have gained these insights and thus not been open to other concepts. As I am reading material for my classes in Chicago, I find myself able to absorb and be open to new concepts, far more readily than I did before.
The biggest thing tho - is to keep my heart open and vulnerable to myself. I have learned a great deal about valuing my feelings, my worth and my right to be treated with respect. Fascinating isnt' it? To learn to value myself b/c of people telling me to shut up? Especially the Dean - b/c of her poor behavior, I was willing to look at other schools and find what I believe to be a much better match on all levels. I think Meadville will give me far more concrete skills, more credibility, and a broader education.
This valuing myself, has resulted in my coming up in the dating world...allowing myself to date a woman who has many of the qualities I asked for, but couldn't accept that I deserved. She is physically stunning...I mean, she is beautiful...and she wants to be with me! Ain't that somethin'? She is also highly intelligent, (Yale graduate and extremely successful business woman), wealthy, sophisticated, well the list goes on and on...but she also has a great sense of humor, loves her life and allows me mine. LOL - some time ago I said that the perfect woman for me would be someone who travelled a lot and only came home on weekends. Well, Jules doesnt' travel, but she is corporate...works 12-16 hour days (can you imagine??) and so, I typically only see her on weekends. Be careful what you ask for, right?
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Breaking Open
Life continues to provide opportunities to open my heart, step out of my box, and commit to peace. Practicing mindfulness and praying while disagreeing with someone, "Please help me with this, Lord," is humbling and brings me back to center. I am reminded of my goal - to stay in my own core, to live in my potential, to stand firm in my truth...as I listen, see thro someone else's eyes, and finally, let it be enough to have said my truth.
Is it that I am 51, going on 52 that enables me to see when I am not going to be heard...and let it go? When did having peace become more important than being right? Well, at least sometimes this is true...and sometimes, it's important, for whatever reason, to get mad - and say so. The philosophy of "feeling your feelings"...it is so valuable, but never easy, and the path of "what to do with them" is seldom clear.
Ok - enough philosophy:) You all need to read "Here When You Need Me" by Kate Braestrup. It is profound, entertaining, will make you laugh and cry, numerous times. She proposes that miracles are actually defined, by gratitude. "A miracle is generally understood to be an extraordinary event that cannot be explained by any plausible application of natural laws and principles." If extraordinary and unexplainable are the only definition, then horrible things are miracles as well. Being in the wrong place at the wrong time, could be a miracle...but if we add gratitude...well, it changes everything.
I want to take this a step farther. What if we are hoping for a miracle? Actively working for a miracle? I've recently began dating someone new. She is NOTHING like anyone I have ever dated before...and if I can keep my core, stay in my truth, and let her encourage me to be more than I believe...will that be a miracle? She is beautiful, intelligent, wealthy, and pushes me in my truth and in accepting my own greatness. What if she's "the one"?
God works in mysterious ways and I also believes, has a sense of humor. Loving is something I already know how to do...keeping myself intact is not. This time I want to "break open" and love myself more deeply than I ever have. I believe this will enable me to not only stay intact, but to expand my concept of love. What do you think?
Is it that I am 51, going on 52 that enables me to see when I am not going to be heard...and let it go? When did having peace become more important than being right? Well, at least sometimes this is true...and sometimes, it's important, for whatever reason, to get mad - and say so. The philosophy of "feeling your feelings"...it is so valuable, but never easy, and the path of "what to do with them" is seldom clear.
Ok - enough philosophy:) You all need to read "Here When You Need Me" by Kate Braestrup. It is profound, entertaining, will make you laugh and cry, numerous times. She proposes that miracles are actually defined, by gratitude. "A miracle is generally understood to be an extraordinary event that cannot be explained by any plausible application of natural laws and principles." If extraordinary and unexplainable are the only definition, then horrible things are miracles as well. Being in the wrong place at the wrong time, could be a miracle...but if we add gratitude...well, it changes everything.
I want to take this a step farther. What if we are hoping for a miracle? Actively working for a miracle? I've recently began dating someone new. She is NOTHING like anyone I have ever dated before...and if I can keep my core, stay in my truth, and let her encourage me to be more than I believe...will that be a miracle? She is beautiful, intelligent, wealthy, and pushes me in my truth and in accepting my own greatness. What if she's "the one"?
God works in mysterious ways and I also believes, has a sense of humor. Loving is something I already know how to do...keeping myself intact is not. This time I want to "break open" and love myself more deeply than I ever have. I believe this will enable me to not only stay intact, but to expand my concept of love. What do you think?
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Life After July
Life is damn good. Classes are fascinating, there is an amazing woman in my life, and those I love are doing well. Katie is blissed out in Michigan (she could miss me a LITTLE more...c'est la vie), she will be home at the end of October and I am ready to see her. Lots of learning going on, God is getting bigger and bigger and I am finding a path to witness that expansion. God is good all the time.
Life after July...I met Jules on July 30. I wish I could convey how beautiful she is...both physically and emotionally. This is good for me:) It's building my confidence...does that make any sense? She is also a graduate of Yale, an incredibly successful business woman, and knows who she is. I am continually astounded at how sure she is of what she wants. She also has a big heart. She heard the testimony of a woman at church who couldn't buy her daughter shoes and so she emptied her wallet and gave this woman the cash...$400 in cash. And she's far better than I am at talking to people...people off the street that she doesn't know. I have never seen her be short or nasty with anyone that has approached her, for whatever reason.
The point of this blog tho, is to tell you about my new interpretation of the Prodigal Son story. We heard it Sunday night at MCC (Metropolitan Community Church) and it got me thinking about Joseph Campbell's description of the Hero's Journey. He says in order for the Hero to succeed, he first must get off the couch and go on his journey, and then he must fail. He must be stupid, trust the wrong person, do the wrong thing, and eventually, ask/need help. Only then can he succeed at his journey. So the definition of hero is not success, but failure.
So the Prodigal Son (PS) takes up his hero's journey and makes sure he is well supplied. Well, he gets out in the world and finds things are not as they seem and he fails big time. He ends up in a pigsty, (a good Jewish boy in a pigsty...not a choice most would make) and realizes that he has hit bottom. This is when he decides to truly risk, by going home...not when he took his inheritance and left, but when he became humble enough to look at himself and ask for mercy.
His Father famously says, "All that I have is thine". Do we truly know this about our God and life force? Do we truly know that all that God, the Universe, the Goddess is...is ours? I think we only believe what we can conceive of. Maybe this is when we define a miracle...when something happens that we could not conceive of...but in truth, that potential was always there. How much more potential is just waiting for us, surrounding us, but we want to "see" it, control it and so limit it?
So "all that I have is thine"...and the PS is now his own hero...having learned humility, many things about himself, and no small thing...that his Father loves him no matter what. We can only hope that the PS will continue his quest for learning and life...but what about the 2nd son? He was pissed! Was it pure jealousy? There certainly doesn't seem to be much love lost between brothers, but who can blame 2nd son? Except...2nd son has his own path and it is not the path of PS. So what is there to be jealous of? What if 2nd son is really jealous b/c PS had the courage to go on his first hero's journey...had the courage to fail? Did 2nd son really get up off the couch and take his own path, or just do what was easiest and expected of him? AND - 2nd son has not stretched his love for himself, nor his concept of his Father's love...and so doesn't know how big that could be.
My thought is that 2nd son is afraid...afraid that he can't handle failure...that he can't pick himself up out of his own pigsty, afraid he wouldn't have the courage to ask for help, and especially afraid his Father won't love him, if he does something stupid. So he chooses to be mad at his big brother...and wow, I wonder who was hurt by 2nd son staying outside in the heat, sweaty and smelly and not eating or drinking? Reminds me of the analogy of hate...drinking poison and hoping someone else dies from it...
The bottom line is we all get to play these roles sometime in our lives. When have you been the PS? When have you been the 2nd son? When have you been the Father? truly seeing someone's potential for life, in spite of their screw-ups? When has someone held your "potential space" for you, until you were ready to see it? An important thing to remember as well? None of these roles could have been played out, without each of the other roles. We are all connected, all teachers, all students...all at the same time.
Life after July...I met Jules on July 30. I wish I could convey how beautiful she is...both physically and emotionally. This is good for me:) It's building my confidence...does that make any sense? She is also a graduate of Yale, an incredibly successful business woman, and knows who she is. I am continually astounded at how sure she is of what she wants. She also has a big heart. She heard the testimony of a woman at church who couldn't buy her daughter shoes and so she emptied her wallet and gave this woman the cash...$400 in cash. And she's far better than I am at talking to people...people off the street that she doesn't know. I have never seen her be short or nasty with anyone that has approached her, for whatever reason.
The point of this blog tho, is to tell you about my new interpretation of the Prodigal Son story. We heard it Sunday night at MCC (Metropolitan Community Church) and it got me thinking about Joseph Campbell's description of the Hero's Journey. He says in order for the Hero to succeed, he first must get off the couch and go on his journey, and then he must fail. He must be stupid, trust the wrong person, do the wrong thing, and eventually, ask/need help. Only then can he succeed at his journey. So the definition of hero is not success, but failure.
So the Prodigal Son (PS) takes up his hero's journey and makes sure he is well supplied. Well, he gets out in the world and finds things are not as they seem and he fails big time. He ends up in a pigsty, (a good Jewish boy in a pigsty...not a choice most would make) and realizes that he has hit bottom. This is when he decides to truly risk, by going home...not when he took his inheritance and left, but when he became humble enough to look at himself and ask for mercy.
His Father famously says, "All that I have is thine". Do we truly know this about our God and life force? Do we truly know that all that God, the Universe, the Goddess is...is ours? I think we only believe what we can conceive of. Maybe this is when we define a miracle...when something happens that we could not conceive of...but in truth, that potential was always there. How much more potential is just waiting for us, surrounding us, but we want to "see" it, control it and so limit it?
So "all that I have is thine"...and the PS is now his own hero...having learned humility, many things about himself, and no small thing...that his Father loves him no matter what. We can only hope that the PS will continue his quest for learning and life...but what about the 2nd son? He was pissed! Was it pure jealousy? There certainly doesn't seem to be much love lost between brothers, but who can blame 2nd son? Except...2nd son has his own path and it is not the path of PS. So what is there to be jealous of? What if 2nd son is really jealous b/c PS had the courage to go on his first hero's journey...had the courage to fail? Did 2nd son really get up off the couch and take his own path, or just do what was easiest and expected of him? AND - 2nd son has not stretched his love for himself, nor his concept of his Father's love...and so doesn't know how big that could be.
My thought is that 2nd son is afraid...afraid that he can't handle failure...that he can't pick himself up out of his own pigsty, afraid he wouldn't have the courage to ask for help, and especially afraid his Father won't love him, if he does something stupid. So he chooses to be mad at his big brother...and wow, I wonder who was hurt by 2nd son staying outside in the heat, sweaty and smelly and not eating or drinking? Reminds me of the analogy of hate...drinking poison and hoping someone else dies from it...
The bottom line is we all get to play these roles sometime in our lives. When have you been the PS? When have you been the 2nd son? When have you been the Father? truly seeing someone's potential for life, in spite of their screw-ups? When has someone held your "potential space" for you, until you were ready to see it? An important thing to remember as well? None of these roles could have been played out, without each of the other roles. We are all connected, all teachers, all students...all at the same time.
Monday, September 12, 2011
July was Hell
So, in July, my brother and I, my sister-in-law (may she stay home next time), my daughter and their oldest daughter...went to Bovina, Texas to clean out my parents' house. We have sold it to the neighbor's grandson and in the end, it is a good thing. Suffice it to say, this was an emotional, volatile, and extremely hard thing to do. Thank God I had Katie there...she is such a blessing.
So the following week, I headed back to school. I am doing some marketing for the seminary and we had a 3! hour team meeting while I was there. God save me. This is why I liked being boss - NEVER did I have a 3 hour meeting. Corporate is also a new concept for me...in that new ideas are not really that welcomed. Everytime I offered a new idea or questioned something...I was shut down. They want to bring in all these new students, revitalize the seminary, but not do anything any differently. I believe that is the definition of insanity.
Well, that meeting did not go well, but I left being very clear as to what my perameters were, around what they wanted me to do...so that was good. Then in class the next day, the dean told me to shut up. Yep, 3rd time's a charm! The instructor had told us to discuss the new concept he had just taught, with our partners, which I did. During this discussion period, the dean says, "Would everyone stop their side conversations! Sue is trying to share!" There were several comments to the dean, as we were all doing what we were told to do. I also made a comment, which I do not remember the jist of, and the dean turns to me and says, "Scorpios like it blunt? You need to shut up!"
I've been all over the map in my reaction and processing of this event. I've blamed myself, I've been angry, I've asked "How did I attract this? What am I to learn?" I've also felt ashamed and just shut down. No one else is being yelled at...why me? What did I do to cause it? I've also realized I am not responsible for other people's actions...but I've also been yelled at 3 times!!! In a seminary. Truly there is something wrong with this picture.
Maybe it is my fault. Maybe it isn't. The dean apologized to me personally the next morning, but it was one of those apologies that makes it worse. "I shouldnt' have yelled at you b/c I'm the dean, you're the student. I now know how Stan feels (see previous blog) when he said he felt your sting." So you're saying...it's MY fault? I caused your actions??? In a class...where you were not the instructor, nor listening to the instructions?? WTF?
Here's the thing. The first time I was yelled at, in April, I had asked a question. What still concerns me is that the instructors (of which one was the dean) did not stop this student from yelling at me and continuing to snipe at and interrupt me for the whole class. The second time, with Stan... There were others that said and did a lot more, but I got yelled at. This last time? I still don't know what I said that made the dean "feel my sting"...but she should have addressed that at a different time, not in class...and she should not have brought up Stan, nor blamed me for her actions.
There are those who won't believe me. You've either felt my sting yourself, or seen my volatility, or just figure I deserved it if it happened 3 times. Here's the bottom line for me. I'm in seminary. If I can't ask questions and not be yelled at, something is wrong. If I am doing something that is out of line and inappropriate, someone needs to talk to me, not yell at me in class. The determining factor for me? I do not have any faith that this won't keep happening. I do not feel the instructors, including the dean, have the appropriate skills to keep Stan in line, or themselves.
Here's what a friend of mine pointed out. I have endured a lot of verbal abuse in my life. When this started happening at seminary, I tried to get past it and think it didn't matter. The truth is, it does matter. I deserve a safe place to get an education. What occurred to me, is that SSS is still recovering from PTSD...that campus feels like somebody bombed them. Remember they forced the original leader out and the current dean just came on in January? The previous leader was awful! Yelling at everybody and telling them they were evil! So maybe SSS doesn't recognize verbal abuse when they hear it either. And that is not a situation I want to stay in.
What this means is that I am transferring to the Unitarian Universalist Seminary in Chicago. I can't be matriculated in as a full-time seminary student until June, 2012...but I can start accredited classes this fall. Let's just assume I will be accepted, b/c I am a good student and good person, Scorpio or not! My decision is not just based on how I've been treated...but also on the lack of accredation that SSS has. Of the instructors that I've had, only the dean and her husband have a master's degree themselves. Their "counseling" class that I took in June, was a joke and I'm not certain at all, that I will have the skills I need at the end of 4 years, if I stay at SSS. I can also get a dual master's at UU in Chicago...Master's of Divinity and Master's of Arts in Leadership.
I'm guessing I might have to work a tad bit harder....UU actually gives you a reading list BEFORE the class! They work on an intensive schedule as well, I only have to spend 1 week on campus per class, but I am given the reading assignment 3 months in advance and will have conference calls and online study groups on a weekly basis. I'm guessing I WILL come out of this program with the skills I need and the seminary is much more recognized!
After all of this in Oklahoma, I still had to go back to Texas and finish Mom and Dad's house. The good news is that I went by myself and got some very healing "alone time" there...some closure. It was quite needed and welcome. Ok - if any of you have made it all the way thro this blog...I thank you for listening.
So the following week, I headed back to school. I am doing some marketing for the seminary and we had a 3! hour team meeting while I was there. God save me. This is why I liked being boss - NEVER did I have a 3 hour meeting. Corporate is also a new concept for me...in that new ideas are not really that welcomed. Everytime I offered a new idea or questioned something...I was shut down. They want to bring in all these new students, revitalize the seminary, but not do anything any differently. I believe that is the definition of insanity.
Well, that meeting did not go well, but I left being very clear as to what my perameters were, around what they wanted me to do...so that was good. Then in class the next day, the dean told me to shut up. Yep, 3rd time's a charm! The instructor had told us to discuss the new concept he had just taught, with our partners, which I did. During this discussion period, the dean says, "Would everyone stop their side conversations! Sue is trying to share!" There were several comments to the dean, as we were all doing what we were told to do. I also made a comment, which I do not remember the jist of, and the dean turns to me and says, "Scorpios like it blunt? You need to shut up!"
I've been all over the map in my reaction and processing of this event. I've blamed myself, I've been angry, I've asked "How did I attract this? What am I to learn?" I've also felt ashamed and just shut down. No one else is being yelled at...why me? What did I do to cause it? I've also realized I am not responsible for other people's actions...but I've also been yelled at 3 times!!! In a seminary. Truly there is something wrong with this picture.
Maybe it is my fault. Maybe it isn't. The dean apologized to me personally the next morning, but it was one of those apologies that makes it worse. "I shouldnt' have yelled at you b/c I'm the dean, you're the student. I now know how Stan feels (see previous blog) when he said he felt your sting." So you're saying...it's MY fault? I caused your actions??? In a class...where you were not the instructor, nor listening to the instructions?? WTF?
Here's the thing. The first time I was yelled at, in April, I had asked a question. What still concerns me is that the instructors (of which one was the dean) did not stop this student from yelling at me and continuing to snipe at and interrupt me for the whole class. The second time, with Stan... There were others that said and did a lot more, but I got yelled at. This last time? I still don't know what I said that made the dean "feel my sting"...but she should have addressed that at a different time, not in class...and she should not have brought up Stan, nor blamed me for her actions.
There are those who won't believe me. You've either felt my sting yourself, or seen my volatility, or just figure I deserved it if it happened 3 times. Here's the bottom line for me. I'm in seminary. If I can't ask questions and not be yelled at, something is wrong. If I am doing something that is out of line and inappropriate, someone needs to talk to me, not yell at me in class. The determining factor for me? I do not have any faith that this won't keep happening. I do not feel the instructors, including the dean, have the appropriate skills to keep Stan in line, or themselves.
Here's what a friend of mine pointed out. I have endured a lot of verbal abuse in my life. When this started happening at seminary, I tried to get past it and think it didn't matter. The truth is, it does matter. I deserve a safe place to get an education. What occurred to me, is that SSS is still recovering from PTSD...that campus feels like somebody bombed them. Remember they forced the original leader out and the current dean just came on in January? The previous leader was awful! Yelling at everybody and telling them they were evil! So maybe SSS doesn't recognize verbal abuse when they hear it either. And that is not a situation I want to stay in.
What this means is that I am transferring to the Unitarian Universalist Seminary in Chicago. I can't be matriculated in as a full-time seminary student until June, 2012...but I can start accredited classes this fall. Let's just assume I will be accepted, b/c I am a good student and good person, Scorpio or not! My decision is not just based on how I've been treated...but also on the lack of accredation that SSS has. Of the instructors that I've had, only the dean and her husband have a master's degree themselves. Their "counseling" class that I took in June, was a joke and I'm not certain at all, that I will have the skills I need at the end of 4 years, if I stay at SSS. I can also get a dual master's at UU in Chicago...Master's of Divinity and Master's of Arts in Leadership.
I'm guessing I might have to work a tad bit harder....UU actually gives you a reading list BEFORE the class! They work on an intensive schedule as well, I only have to spend 1 week on campus per class, but I am given the reading assignment 3 months in advance and will have conference calls and online study groups on a weekly basis. I'm guessing I WILL come out of this program with the skills I need and the seminary is much more recognized!
After all of this in Oklahoma, I still had to go back to Texas and finish Mom and Dad's house. The good news is that I went by myself and got some very healing "alone time" there...some closure. It was quite needed and welcome. Ok - if any of you have made it all the way thro this blog...I thank you for listening.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Onward & Upward
I just can't do it anymore. Be yelled at. I haven't blogged...b/c I just couldn't. First John, Julie & I go to Texas and clean out the house I grew up in. My sister-in-law is a nightmare, so she makes a hard thing, oh! so much harder. Then I head back to school and my girlfriend of 6 weeks (yea, it was deep) breaks up with me. Then in school, my dean yells at me in class. Tells me to shut-up. I am so done with this school. But if you thought that was the end of my month, no, no - I have to go back to Texas and finish the job - which I have to say, was good. I was able to gain closure - but let me tell ya, it was still hard. Do you know how odd it was to drive away, and realize I might never see the house again?
Then my brother falls off the pedestal that I have him on. I will give no details, but let me just say - watching he and Julie walk down the same path as my parents' marriage is fucking scary. It has been empowering in some ways - he and I are equals now. I am no more stupid or incompetent or omniscient, than he is. We both get to be mortal and fallible, and still love each other...but my new position in life, is just as world shifting, as his new position.
So I am transferring to Meadville Unitarian Universalist seminary in Chicago. It is larger, more established, more professional (I bet their professors don't yell at their students!) than Sancta Sophia. I also think their theology makes sense. SSS...their theology is just too "out there" for me. Can you imagine that I am saying something is too "out there" for me???? but it is. So Chicago will be 'intensive" courses something like SSS, in that I only have to be on campus for January. Right, Chicago in January. Joy. I lived in Chicago for 7 years...never thought I would go back. Never say never.
What am I looking forward to? Going to NYC with Katie to one of her good friend's wedding. Then I plan to go see Mom (Boston) and travel onto Provincetown. I'm hoping my cousin is going to join me - and we can just hang out, catch up, and enjoy the east coast in October. I am dating someone new...but she thinks the world is going to end in October. Might as well be in Provincetown:)
This has been a summer of evolution and learning. The heat has been on in so many ways:) I'm also looking forward to getting a reading list before the first day of class! I hope your summer has been good - maybe we are all ready for life to cool down a bit...joining Persephone in the Underworld may be more peaceful than we imagined.
Then my brother falls off the pedestal that I have him on. I will give no details, but let me just say - watching he and Julie walk down the same path as my parents' marriage is fucking scary. It has been empowering in some ways - he and I are equals now. I am no more stupid or incompetent or omniscient, than he is. We both get to be mortal and fallible, and still love each other...but my new position in life, is just as world shifting, as his new position.
So I am transferring to Meadville Unitarian Universalist seminary in Chicago. It is larger, more established, more professional (I bet their professors don't yell at their students!) than Sancta Sophia. I also think their theology makes sense. SSS...their theology is just too "out there" for me. Can you imagine that I am saying something is too "out there" for me???? but it is. So Chicago will be 'intensive" courses something like SSS, in that I only have to be on campus for January. Right, Chicago in January. Joy. I lived in Chicago for 7 years...never thought I would go back. Never say never.
What am I looking forward to? Going to NYC with Katie to one of her good friend's wedding. Then I plan to go see Mom (Boston) and travel onto Provincetown. I'm hoping my cousin is going to join me - and we can just hang out, catch up, and enjoy the east coast in October. I am dating someone new...but she thinks the world is going to end in October. Might as well be in Provincetown:)
This has been a summer of evolution and learning. The heat has been on in so many ways:) I'm also looking forward to getting a reading list before the first day of class! I hope your summer has been good - maybe we are all ready for life to cool down a bit...joining Persephone in the Underworld may be more peaceful than we imagined.
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