So, I'm home from Ireland and Scotland. Yes, it is a rough life - certainly in St. Louis where it is 55 degrees hotter than it was across the pond! Anyway - so my new path is mythology. I am in love. Currently, I am reading Karen Armstrong's "A Short Story of Myth" and it is the coolest.
Oh - did I tell you that Pacifica invited me for an interview?? That means they are 90% sure they want me...and with my present level of excitement about mythology, I think they are going to want me. Besides the fact that I want them:) So yes, I got in the application, references and all, and they liked it! So Jules and I go out to Santa Barbara again, for my August 6 interview. We are also going to meet with the esteemed Stuart Jenkins to see how he might help Jules with the employment process, and with my cousin Meriam...b/c she also knows bunches of business sorts AND has a ranch in Paso Robles. In fact, Stuart and Meriam have offered to let us stay as often as we want! How awesome is that?
Anyway - back to myth. I am amazed and astounded how understanding a tiny portion of myth, gives me a completely different reading of the Bible! You know that line about coming from dust? It has always bothered me. I mean, comments like "you are no more than the dust under my feet"...or "she made me feel like dirt"...these are all sort of demeaning, wouldn't you say? but that "dust of the ground" line in Genesis is very different if read from the mythological meaning.
Ea was an original earth god in Mesopotamia and understand that the gods were inseperable from the landscape, from existence. They were not seperate entities. Well, Ea had a son, Marduk, and of course, there was a horrible battle and divine blood was spilled. Now you also have to know, that the gods were originally created from sacred, tho primordial "ooze"...so even the dust is sacred. Then Marduk takes the blood of the fallen gods, mixes it with dirt and "poof"! humans! So dirt isn't so bad! Divine actually:)
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
Finally!
SO! Had to tell you all...I have begun my doctorate program at Pacifica Graduate Institute in Santa Barbara, CA...in MYTHOLOGY!! Is that not perfect?? I know - took me long enough:) Anyway - gonna be a lot of work, but mythology is awesome! It is the basis for all religion and goes into why we have religion in the first place. Truly - this is bliss. Well - with homework.
I can, of course, hear you all asking...what will you do with that? I hope to do workshops on roles in life. There is this veteran's program that I heard about, where the guys and gals coming back from Iraq and Afganistan go through a "Hero's Journey" and how healing it is. One guy said it saved his life. I want to find out more about that and then look into doing it with gay people or kids or whoever wants to! And if that doesn't work out - there's always teaching. Teaching mythology would be cool!
So the program is low-residency. I have to be out there 3 days a month, which works out to 5 days b/c of travelling. I have found airports and airplanes to be ok places to do homework. Who knew? Jules and Katie are very excited for me...Katie has a hard time gloating that she doesn't have to do homework, but I can give her some slack:) Jules is more than patient at listening to me talk about myth...and read my papers. She will certainly deserve a degree at the end of this as well!
My guess is that this blog will get less and less attention. It's already on the slow side compared to when I started it. It has served it's purpose though - truly been a therapeutic technique that I have enjoyed immensely. Thank you all so much for listening...check back once in a while - maybe I'll have more news at Christmas! There is a possibility happening in Provincetown (did I mention that Jules and I went there this summer??) so hopefully we will all stay connected.
I can, of course, hear you all asking...what will you do with that? I hope to do workshops on roles in life. There is this veteran's program that I heard about, where the guys and gals coming back from Iraq and Afganistan go through a "Hero's Journey" and how healing it is. One guy said it saved his life. I want to find out more about that and then look into doing it with gay people or kids or whoever wants to! And if that doesn't work out - there's always teaching. Teaching mythology would be cool!
So the program is low-residency. I have to be out there 3 days a month, which works out to 5 days b/c of travelling. I have found airports and airplanes to be ok places to do homework. Who knew? Jules and Katie are very excited for me...Katie has a hard time gloating that she doesn't have to do homework, but I can give her some slack:) Jules is more than patient at listening to me talk about myth...and read my papers. She will certainly deserve a degree at the end of this as well!
My guess is that this blog will get less and less attention. It's already on the slow side compared to when I started it. It has served it's purpose though - truly been a therapeutic technique that I have enjoyed immensely. Thank you all so much for listening...check back once in a while - maybe I'll have more news at Christmas! There is a possibility happening in Provincetown (did I mention that Jules and I went there this summer??) so hopefully we will all stay connected.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
Who Is God?
Does this seem like a good question for a seminary student to be asking or does it seem like I should have that answer all worked out? I've realized in the last few days, that good or bad...I don't know the answer. I think it has to do with changes. I've had one or two in the last few years.
First Mom and Dad moved to St Louis for a year, Mom had 4 surgeries (and yes, she was her usual pleasant and cooperative self...add in sardonic grin), Dad was diagnosed with Alzheimers (actually, they were both diagnosed with Alzheimers), Dad was on dialysis and oh - small things...Katie was a senior in high school and I was trying to run a company.
Then Mom and Dad moved back home (good for me, bad for them...Dad started wandering and falling, Mom was still Mom...) and the flights to Texas started. I think I travelled to Bovina or Lubbock over 30 times in 3 years.
Katie had started college (never did get to truly enjoy her senior year or grieve her leaving home), I moved my company to a new and improved location, sold my house in Ballwin and built one in Waterloo. My best friend was diagnosed with Lou Gehrigs and my dog died. Another good friend died of colon cancer and then Dad died. And that doesn't begin to describe the trauma.
I was raised in Christian Science, but left them when they emotionally kicked me out for being gay, went through the New Age movement, found MCC or the "gay church", and then left all of that. Found peace in gardening and being alone...and then found Diana's Grove. I'm not sure I'm into Paganism as much as I connected with the kindness and spiritual hunger of those at DG.
I sold my company (and Praise God truly for that!) and have had almost 2 years off. Now the last year has been spent exploring seminaries...but I am no closer to adopting a theology or creed. In fact, I'm not sure God is anything but a human construct and Jesus nothing but a bunch of stories based on several people and mythology. (my apologies to anyone I have totally offended)
Except that recently I was with a friend when she had a seizure and I prayed and "laid hands" on her. Her seizure was mild according to another friend and I felt a "presence" when I prayed...a comfort.
First Mom and Dad moved to St Louis for a year, Mom had 4 surgeries (and yes, she was her usual pleasant and cooperative self...add in sardonic grin), Dad was diagnosed with Alzheimers (actually, they were both diagnosed with Alzheimers), Dad was on dialysis and oh - small things...Katie was a senior in high school and I was trying to run a company.
Then Mom and Dad moved back home (good for me, bad for them...Dad started wandering and falling, Mom was still Mom...) and the flights to Texas started. I think I travelled to Bovina or Lubbock over 30 times in 3 years.
Katie had started college (never did get to truly enjoy her senior year or grieve her leaving home), I moved my company to a new and improved location, sold my house in Ballwin and built one in Waterloo. My best friend was diagnosed with Lou Gehrigs and my dog died. Another good friend died of colon cancer and then Dad died. And that doesn't begin to describe the trauma.
I was raised in Christian Science, but left them when they emotionally kicked me out for being gay, went through the New Age movement, found MCC or the "gay church", and then left all of that. Found peace in gardening and being alone...and then found Diana's Grove. I'm not sure I'm into Paganism as much as I connected with the kindness and spiritual hunger of those at DG.
I sold my company (and Praise God truly for that!) and have had almost 2 years off. Now the last year has been spent exploring seminaries...but I am no closer to adopting a theology or creed. In fact, I'm not sure God is anything but a human construct and Jesus nothing but a bunch of stories based on several people and mythology. (my apologies to anyone I have totally offended)
Except that recently I was with a friend when she had a seizure and I prayed and "laid hands" on her. Her seizure was mild according to another friend and I felt a "presence" when I prayed...a comfort.
Depression
It sucks. It just sits in your chest like a canon ball, weighing down and drowning any good ideas or possibilities. This isn't about my self-esteem so much, as it's about my being. This time it's organic, systemic, and just takes all the color out of life. Why now? Why won't it resolve? and what to do?
This damn diet - which I am no longer on, seems to have triggered the bastard. At first it was memories of Mom and Dad trying to take Katie. Then it was the stress around when Dad was dying, then it was remembering my family's response when we asked them to come to my wedding to Shari. Always plenty to be sad about...and let go of...and process. I'm ready for it to be gone.
That's the thing that sucks about depression. I feel so helpless caught in its jaws. Everyone tries to "cheer me up" or talk me out of it or tell me to "buck up and move on"...wouldn't that be nice? The truth is in my experience, is that it moves out when it's done. I see a therapist, I see a chiropractor who balances and stimulates and treats whatever comes up...I want to tell all the "buck up" people - "What else is it you want me to do?" Oh - they want me to just let it go. And wouldn't that be lovely?
Another truth is that I need to let it process to let it be cleaned out of my system. I don't want it to stay hidden and buried, I want it out! And I need a job, then these posts will actually be interesting, rather than whining.
This damn diet - which I am no longer on, seems to have triggered the bastard. At first it was memories of Mom and Dad trying to take Katie. Then it was the stress around when Dad was dying, then it was remembering my family's response when we asked them to come to my wedding to Shari. Always plenty to be sad about...and let go of...and process. I'm ready for it to be gone.
That's the thing that sucks about depression. I feel so helpless caught in its jaws. Everyone tries to "cheer me up" or talk me out of it or tell me to "buck up and move on"...wouldn't that be nice? The truth is in my experience, is that it moves out when it's done. I see a therapist, I see a chiropractor who balances and stimulates and treats whatever comes up...I want to tell all the "buck up" people - "What else is it you want me to do?" Oh - they want me to just let it go. And wouldn't that be lovely?
Another truth is that I need to let it process to let it be cleaned out of my system. I don't want it to stay hidden and buried, I want it out! And I need a job, then these posts will actually be interesting, rather than whining.
So, truly - do you have to be right? How about "heard"...what if you just don't agree? What happens then? What I said was, "I don't agree"...what I felt and expressed by myself was rage.
How can you not agree that people are equal??? The truth is that people don't agree...from their heart. Does one of us have to be shot? This is where the peace process hits the pavement. When we truly don't agree, on core issues, what do we do then?
How can you not agree that people are equal??? The truth is that people don't agree...from their heart. Does one of us have to be shot? This is where the peace process hits the pavement. When we truly don't agree, on core issues, what do we do then?
Monday, April 30, 2012
Waiting
Here's what happens when I wait too long to write...too much shit happens. I went to Eden Seminary for a day of classes...and didn't like it. So now what? Well, it's possible that Jules and I will start a company...I know, I know...actually, what do I know? Nothing. So, a little research about schools, alotta research about the possibility of this company (more later), and waiting.
Then Saturday, I spread mulch and Jules played golf with Kell. Small issue of a storm brewing, they got off the course a little late and as Jules was putting the clubs in the back of Kell's BMW Suv, softball hail started falling. Jules got in the car as quickly as she could, but still got hit on her back, the back of her thigh, both ankles...and then the glass in the rear window shattered. She was bleeding profusely from numerous cuts and Kell spent the first hour they were home, picking glass out of those cuts.
When I got there, everyone was calm, but Jules was shocky, so...order pizza! We got one slice down when the next storm hit. Now we are running across the street to a basement, me half carrying Jules, with Little Bit on the leash...well, we all made it with only minor drama and hung out in this tiny basement until the storm blew over.
Jules and I had had enough, so we headed home, only to come upon a traffic jam on 55 from a multiple car accident. We followed several others lead and went back up the exit ramp and made our way to our bridge across the Mississippi, by taking side streets. We made it to Waterloo, ordered more pizza, got to the house and had to go into OUR basement. At least we have a couch, the pizza, beer and wine...so we were not in bad shape.
Well, Jules was...she has multiple contusions - the one on the back of her leg the size of a ... softball. Not pretty, nor does it feel good. Do all of those injuries keep her from power washing the deck and vacuuming the whole house? Of course not. It's been a long weekend and I'm ready for there to be no more emergencies!
So waiting with less trauma and drama would be good. Oh - forgot to mention the Women's Spirituality Conference in NYC where I got to see Brene' Brown!! It was awesome! Took the train to Boston and got to see Mom, John, Julie and Katelyn...all were good. So those are the basic details - I'll give the insider stuff later:)
Then Saturday, I spread mulch and Jules played golf with Kell. Small issue of a storm brewing, they got off the course a little late and as Jules was putting the clubs in the back of Kell's BMW Suv, softball hail started falling. Jules got in the car as quickly as she could, but still got hit on her back, the back of her thigh, both ankles...and then the glass in the rear window shattered. She was bleeding profusely from numerous cuts and Kell spent the first hour they were home, picking glass out of those cuts.
When I got there, everyone was calm, but Jules was shocky, so...order pizza! We got one slice down when the next storm hit. Now we are running across the street to a basement, me half carrying Jules, with Little Bit on the leash...well, we all made it with only minor drama and hung out in this tiny basement until the storm blew over.
Jules and I had had enough, so we headed home, only to come upon a traffic jam on 55 from a multiple car accident. We followed several others lead and went back up the exit ramp and made our way to our bridge across the Mississippi, by taking side streets. We made it to Waterloo, ordered more pizza, got to the house and had to go into OUR basement. At least we have a couch, the pizza, beer and wine...so we were not in bad shape.
Well, Jules was...she has multiple contusions - the one on the back of her leg the size of a ... softball. Not pretty, nor does it feel good. Do all of those injuries keep her from power washing the deck and vacuuming the whole house? Of course not. It's been a long weekend and I'm ready for there to be no more emergencies!
So waiting with less trauma and drama would be good. Oh - forgot to mention the Women's Spirituality Conference in NYC where I got to see Brene' Brown!! It was awesome! Took the train to Boston and got to see Mom, John, Julie and Katelyn...all were good. So those are the basic details - I'll give the insider stuff later:)
Monday, February 27, 2012
ANOTHER Seminary
Last weekend, Jules and I had a huge fight. This weekend we had a powerful and inspiring time together. The contrast is enormous and a little confusing. Let's just go straight to the good part, 'k? I mean, who wants to share their dirty laundry? Just know that this weekend we were both feeling vulnerable and "gun shy" with each other, and didn't start out feeling connected. Oh - and we are on this Hcg diet that is 500 calories a day (doctor supervised with homeopathic drops that tell your body to burn fat...it works, but its HARD!), she is not sure she will have a job by March 20, AND Meadville Lombard, UU seminary, denied my application request.
When I got the call from Meadville, they told me I didn't have enough congregational experience and that I was till searching. I didn't really understand the searching part...if I'm not searching, I'm dead. Don't other people feel that way? Guess not. At first I was devastated. I mean, it's rejection, right? Except I have made A's on my papers from Meadville, so it's not about my academic ability...so I talked to a UU minister here in St. Louis. He said he could see that Meadville wants minister's that come from a congregation, a support group...they want to train strong leaders for the UU denomination. Basically, since I'm not drinking the coolaid...they're not interested.
And I'm not drinking the coolaid. I was happy with UU b/c of the broad range of theologies and skills that I would learn and be exposed to. Did their theology "feed me"? No. I found being fed by a UU sermon to be very "hit and miss". I also could never see myself preaching in a UU church. I kept getting caught up in what you could and couldn't say...can't say God, or prayer, or Jesus...but if you go Humanist or Atheist or whatever, then you offend those that aren't. I never could get around that in my head and Jules kept the mantra going for me..."you are there to get a Master's...you are there to get a Master's"! So maybe it's a good thing I'm not going to Meadville. Didn't feel that way in the beginning, but I'm pretty relieved right now.
Yet here's the deal...where to go now? I'm talking to the admissions director today at 1:00 for Eden Christian Seminary, here in St. Louis. I would go to classes on campus, be able to be in community with students and faculty, be in discussion through out the classes, rather than just a week of intensives...and I wouldn't have to go to Chicago in the winter! The negatives are that I am locked into St Louis for 4 years and if Jules needs to move for a job, then what do we do? I am also locked into a school schedule for 4 years...none of this travelling around to see Katie or whatever, while I do my homework on the road!
The bigger question is...can I do a Christian seminary? I'm leary of all the Jesusfreakhappyheisourlordandsaviour stuff. Yet, the classes I enjoyed the most over this last year, that gave me the most food for thought, were "Progressive Christianity" and "First (old) Testament". I also recognize and am comfortable with most Christian language...praying, God, Christ etc...except, I'm also into Paganism (Earth religions) and astrology. Do I come clean about that or keep it in the closet? You all know I am not good at political games or being less than honest. Paganism is NOT evil and has given me some of my greatest inspiration and break throughs into my own psyche.
Oh - the good part. Jules and I went out on Saturday night - saw some original theatre based on gay issues, hung out with a bunch of gay people and other than we couldn't eat or drink...had a good time. Then Sunday, went to church and Reverend Carol preached right to me. Talked about how your own religious philosophy is as good as anyone else's and no one can tell you what to believe. The choir was also fantabulous! and Jules even went up to get a prayer/blessing with me...that is a true break-thro and maybe the beginning of healing for her with some nasty religious wounds.
All in all, it was a terrific weekend, although I am ready for real food and glass of red wine. Sooner rather than later.
When I got the call from Meadville, they told me I didn't have enough congregational experience and that I was till searching. I didn't really understand the searching part...if I'm not searching, I'm dead. Don't other people feel that way? Guess not. At first I was devastated. I mean, it's rejection, right? Except I have made A's on my papers from Meadville, so it's not about my academic ability...so I talked to a UU minister here in St. Louis. He said he could see that Meadville wants minister's that come from a congregation, a support group...they want to train strong leaders for the UU denomination. Basically, since I'm not drinking the coolaid...they're not interested.
And I'm not drinking the coolaid. I was happy with UU b/c of the broad range of theologies and skills that I would learn and be exposed to. Did their theology "feed me"? No. I found being fed by a UU sermon to be very "hit and miss". I also could never see myself preaching in a UU church. I kept getting caught up in what you could and couldn't say...can't say God, or prayer, or Jesus...but if you go Humanist or Atheist or whatever, then you offend those that aren't. I never could get around that in my head and Jules kept the mantra going for me..."you are there to get a Master's...you are there to get a Master's"! So maybe it's a good thing I'm not going to Meadville. Didn't feel that way in the beginning, but I'm pretty relieved right now.
Yet here's the deal...where to go now? I'm talking to the admissions director today at 1:00 for Eden Christian Seminary, here in St. Louis. I would go to classes on campus, be able to be in community with students and faculty, be in discussion through out the classes, rather than just a week of intensives...and I wouldn't have to go to Chicago in the winter! The negatives are that I am locked into St Louis for 4 years and if Jules needs to move for a job, then what do we do? I am also locked into a school schedule for 4 years...none of this travelling around to see Katie or whatever, while I do my homework on the road!
The bigger question is...can I do a Christian seminary? I'm leary of all the Jesusfreakhappyheisourlordandsaviour stuff. Yet, the classes I enjoyed the most over this last year, that gave me the most food for thought, were "Progressive Christianity" and "First (old) Testament". I also recognize and am comfortable with most Christian language...praying, God, Christ etc...except, I'm also into Paganism (Earth religions) and astrology. Do I come clean about that or keep it in the closet? You all know I am not good at political games or being less than honest. Paganism is NOT evil and has given me some of my greatest inspiration and break throughs into my own psyche.
Oh - the good part. Jules and I went out on Saturday night - saw some original theatre based on gay issues, hung out with a bunch of gay people and other than we couldn't eat or drink...had a good time. Then Sunday, went to church and Reverend Carol preached right to me. Talked about how your own religious philosophy is as good as anyone else's and no one can tell you what to believe. The choir was also fantabulous! and Jules even went up to get a prayer/blessing with me...that is a true break-thro and maybe the beginning of healing for her with some nasty religious wounds.
All in all, it was a terrific weekend, although I am ready for real food and glass of red wine. Sooner rather than later.
Love Hurts
Wow - so Jules and I just had a huge fight and all I can say is that it sucks. I don't understand her, she doesn't understand me - men are from Mars, women are from Venus...except we are both women. The really ironic thing is that I feel like my communication skills are much improved since my last relationship - but Jules and I are so different...that corporate vs woowoo thing. It's also incredibly frustrating (well, on many levels!) to see how our histories are dictating how we react, interpret, and "allow" each other to "be". And of course, without our histories, we wouldn't be who we are and thus, not have fallen in love with each other.
A wierd thing - I always expect my current partner to leave. I am always terrified they will leave and always think the worst when there is a disagreement. Yet, I have been the one to leave in 95% of my relationships. It's not that I leave before they can, I have needed to leave every single time that I did, and would do it again. So why am I always so frightened that they will leave? I'm sure Freud would love me.
So in my last post, I said I knew how to manifest. What I don't know how to do is work through difficult things in an intimate relationship. I want to fold, to acquiesce, to give in and fix it! NOW. I also want to stand up for myself, be clear in what I feel and think, not agree when I don't, and even allow myself to get mad. I also (yes, there are multiple voices - I'm only giving you 3!) want to understand where she is coming from, be the damn bomb diggity in my communication skills, and always resolve every situation.
I just don't think that's too much to ask, do you? Those of you in long-term relationships...how do you get through a horrible fight? Do you always carry a piece of that fight with you? I don't want to build up walls...I am just starting to take the ones down that I put up previously!
A wierd thing - I always expect my current partner to leave. I am always terrified they will leave and always think the worst when there is a disagreement. Yet, I have been the one to leave in 95% of my relationships. It's not that I leave before they can, I have needed to leave every single time that I did, and would do it again. So why am I always so frightened that they will leave? I'm sure Freud would love me.
So in my last post, I said I knew how to manifest. What I don't know how to do is work through difficult things in an intimate relationship. I want to fold, to acquiesce, to give in and fix it! NOW. I also want to stand up for myself, be clear in what I feel and think, not agree when I don't, and even allow myself to get mad. I also (yes, there are multiple voices - I'm only giving you 3!) want to understand where she is coming from, be the damn bomb diggity in my communication skills, and always resolve every situation.
I just don't think that's too much to ask, do you? Those of you in long-term relationships...how do you get through a horrible fight? Do you always carry a piece of that fight with you? I don't want to build up walls...I am just starting to take the ones down that I put up previously!
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
I Know How to Do This
Jules is at a big YUM conference...and they just sold her entire division. This means she will be out of a job as of March 1. The interesting thing is how much she has changed since we fell in love...she is now open to manifesting, believing in her instincts, and can even entertain the concept of "better than I can imagine":) Kids - I know how to do this. I do. I know how to think positive, align my energy, manifest what I want, and all the steps leading up to this and after it. I've done it, I've lived it, I've stressed over it. The great news? It's so much easier to see it in someone else, rather than yourself! I am SO excited to see where this goes!
So - Jules is not quite so excited. In fact, she is freaking out. The great thing?? She has me. Ok - that concept is awesome in itself...when have I EVER said or believed, that having me in one's life is a good thing? But kids...I know how to do this! Do I know that there will be challenges and breakthroughs and rough spots and overwhelming gratitude? YES! YES I do! and Jules has so many talents and skills...and is so open to loving...she wants to love life, she has just been taught to be afraid and to talk negative...I mean...hell, what if you're wrong?? Seriously. Can you imagine all that we are going to learn from this?? Can you imagine where she and I will end up when the day is over? nope. Who knows??
Can I just tell you how nice it is to be the stable one?? Go ahead - LOL - I know that could change at any moment...but at THIS moment, I am the stable one. I know what I want, what I'm going for and I feel good. I am also certain of Spirit in my life, that God is Good, ALL THE TIME...no exceptions. So I can teach this to Jules, I can exemplify it, I can hold space for her while she comes into her own. She has so many talents...truly...she can manage building contractors, train managers, build a team from nothing! to being in the top 5%...in less than a year. Oh she has skills...just seeing that they can transfer to another profession is where she is limited. Yet, she is so smart...Yale graduate and all that...her mind works so efficiently. Once she "gets" this concept, she will latch onto it and YEEHAW!
So you all are my witnesses...hold space for me, holding space for her, holding space for God's great gifts.
So - Jules is not quite so excited. In fact, she is freaking out. The great thing?? She has me. Ok - that concept is awesome in itself...when have I EVER said or believed, that having me in one's life is a good thing? But kids...I know how to do this! Do I know that there will be challenges and breakthroughs and rough spots and overwhelming gratitude? YES! YES I do! and Jules has so many talents and skills...and is so open to loving...she wants to love life, she has just been taught to be afraid and to talk negative...I mean...hell, what if you're wrong?? Seriously. Can you imagine all that we are going to learn from this?? Can you imagine where she and I will end up when the day is over? nope. Who knows??
Can I just tell you how nice it is to be the stable one?? Go ahead - LOL - I know that could change at any moment...but at THIS moment, I am the stable one. I know what I want, what I'm going for and I feel good. I am also certain of Spirit in my life, that God is Good, ALL THE TIME...no exceptions. So I can teach this to Jules, I can exemplify it, I can hold space for her while she comes into her own. She has so many talents...truly...she can manage building contractors, train managers, build a team from nothing! to being in the top 5%...in less than a year. Oh she has skills...just seeing that they can transfer to another profession is where she is limited. Yet, she is so smart...Yale graduate and all that...her mind works so efficiently. Once she "gets" this concept, she will latch onto it and YEEHAW!
So you all are my witnesses...hold space for me, holding space for her, holding space for God's great gifts.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Meadville Seminary
Didn't have to wait long for another post, huh? Nope. I'm in the mood, lonely, and nobody to talk to - so there ya go. This week at Meadville Unitarian Universalist Seminary, in Chicago, has been an experience. It has not been as emotionally disturbing, faith changing as my experiences at Sancta Sophia...but give them time. Coming to Chicago, staying in an apartment I have never seen before, learning to negotiate the public transit system, and be totally alone in a city the size of Chicago...has been humbling. On the whole - it's been great! The first full week - it was 60 degrees...these last few days? Snow and single digits with wind chill. There is nothing like the wind chill off of Lake Michigan in Chicago. When you come around the corner at Harrison and Michigan...it can almost take you off your feet. Losing the feeling in your hands, happens in just moments. I'll be back in March, July and September...I'll let you know if there is wind chill or heat index.
What I found is that I don't gain any energy from church structure. In fact, it exhausts me. Thank God for Jules knowing corporate politics...she coaches me..."stay quiet, doodle, look up and smile". I don't care if UU expands. I don't. I have my own spiritual path and I hope to influence others in their spiritual path...but it doesn't need to be in UU terms, not at all. I hate politics and it totally annoys me to have someone inflict it on my spirituality. And dear God - they are SO intellectual! and diverse, which is good, right? Except for all the humanists, atheists, and "recovering" everything, so that everything you say is controversial. You can't pray or mention God, and certainly not Jesus!
and yet...they are totally pluralistic...meaning, they include all LGBT, all races, cultures, and lifestyles...and they mean it! I'm guessing that 1/3-1/2 of the student population is gay. All I can tell you is how fabulous that is. To see many expressions of gay people being intelligent, strong, thoughtful and powerful! it is just inspiring! I can't tell you how huge this is...and I'm not sure I can give it up...no matter how wierd some of the other stuff they do is.
For instance - they have no passion. Ok - that's not true. Most of them believe in social justice, in a very passionate way...and act out that passion in very practical, concrete ways. They do lots and lots of good things for the disenfranchised communities and are totally committed to that path. But passion in their spirituality? In their church services or music? not. When you have to be so careful not to offend ANYBODY...well, it dilutes the Spirit, ya know?
Can I be involved in a church and seminary that doesn't imbibe the Spirit? I am here for an MDiv. I am here for an MDiv. It's my new mantra. It's going to be hard. Really hard. I remember the question being asked at Sancta Sophia..."What does it mean to worship a God who was crucified?" Well, UU's don't really have a God, so they don't have to answer that difficult question. But they also don't experience bliss in their church services, or their music, or in a god...at least that I have seen. Let's just hope I haven't seen enough yet.
What I found is that I don't gain any energy from church structure. In fact, it exhausts me. Thank God for Jules knowing corporate politics...she coaches me..."stay quiet, doodle, look up and smile". I don't care if UU expands. I don't. I have my own spiritual path and I hope to influence others in their spiritual path...but it doesn't need to be in UU terms, not at all. I hate politics and it totally annoys me to have someone inflict it on my spirituality. And dear God - they are SO intellectual! and diverse, which is good, right? Except for all the humanists, atheists, and "recovering" everything, so that everything you say is controversial. You can't pray or mention God, and certainly not Jesus!
and yet...they are totally pluralistic...meaning, they include all LGBT, all races, cultures, and lifestyles...and they mean it! I'm guessing that 1/3-1/2 of the student population is gay. All I can tell you is how fabulous that is. To see many expressions of gay people being intelligent, strong, thoughtful and powerful! it is just inspiring! I can't tell you how huge this is...and I'm not sure I can give it up...no matter how wierd some of the other stuff they do is.
For instance - they have no passion. Ok - that's not true. Most of them believe in social justice, in a very passionate way...and act out that passion in very practical, concrete ways. They do lots and lots of good things for the disenfranchised communities and are totally committed to that path. But passion in their spirituality? In their church services or music? not. When you have to be so careful not to offend ANYBODY...well, it dilutes the Spirit, ya know?
Can I be involved in a church and seminary that doesn't imbibe the Spirit? I am here for an MDiv. I am here for an MDiv. It's my new mantra. It's going to be hard. Really hard. I remember the question being asked at Sancta Sophia..."What does it mean to worship a God who was crucified?" Well, UU's don't really have a God, so they don't have to answer that difficult question. But they also don't experience bliss in their church services, or their music, or in a god...at least that I have seen. Let's just hope I haven't seen enough yet.
Recycling as a Romantic Endeavor
So Jules is corporate. She works as an executive for YUM corporation. She has had to deal with the "moguls" in trash and the amount of money they make, for the lousy job they do...irritates her...MORE than irritates her. She doesn't believe that recycling really happens the way it's supposed to...but I am committed to recycling. Totally committed. I collect, sort and DRIVE my recycling to a depository several miles away. Here in Chicago, this apartment building...there is no recycling. It has made me crazy and I have walked my recycling to a dumpster several blocks away. I repeat, I am committed. However, Jules is not.
So, when we are at her house in the city, I collect our recycling and bring it back to Waterloo. At first, she totally balked at me doing that. Today, she is in Las Vegas at a conference...but on her way to the airport, she recycled. For me. Do you understand what I am saying??? She recycled, without me there, for me. It made me cry. Shut up! It totally made me cry. I'm gonna marry this woman. Did I mention that she is beautiful? OMG - she takes my breath away.
Jules so wants to be loved, as do I...for who we are...but we are independant, stubborn, opinionated, and STRONG women...sometimes that's really hard to love...or maybe it's us allowing the love...
do you remember the song from Sound of Music...between Maria and Christopher? "I Must Have Done Something Good"? It's true. I must have done something good to deserve this fabulous woman's love. Ok - I get it - it's totally annoying to read someone else's gushiness...too damn bad. I love this woman...and the point? She is "able" for me. She is "big" enough...capable of handling me...my independant, stubborn, opinionated strength....and my love - or at least she is learning to. And so am I.
Damn - so this blog was supposed to be about my newest seminary experience. Guess you'll have to wait.
So, when we are at her house in the city, I collect our recycling and bring it back to Waterloo. At first, she totally balked at me doing that. Today, she is in Las Vegas at a conference...but on her way to the airport, she recycled. For me. Do you understand what I am saying??? She recycled, without me there, for me. It made me cry. Shut up! It totally made me cry. I'm gonna marry this woman. Did I mention that she is beautiful? OMG - she takes my breath away.
Jules so wants to be loved, as do I...for who we are...but we are independant, stubborn, opinionated, and STRONG women...sometimes that's really hard to love...or maybe it's us allowing the love...
do you remember the song from Sound of Music...between Maria and Christopher? "I Must Have Done Something Good"? It's true. I must have done something good to deserve this fabulous woman's love. Ok - I get it - it's totally annoying to read someone else's gushiness...too damn bad. I love this woman...and the point? She is "able" for me. She is "big" enough...capable of handling me...my independant, stubborn, opinionated strength....and my love - or at least she is learning to. And so am I.
Damn - so this blog was supposed to be about my newest seminary experience. Guess you'll have to wait.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Happy Happy, Joy Joy
Guess what?? I'm engaged:) Fascinating, isn't it? The woman who said she would never get married again...famous last words, I guess. The deal is, we (Jules and I) are doing this so differently than I've ever done a relatiohship before...that is good, since I don't have a stellar track record, to say the least. So, we are engaged (we exchanged rings:) but with no date for the wedding; we want to move in together, but haven't yet; Jules is going to church with me and I am watching football with her...making Sundays a true multi-faith event...LOL.
So life is good! Certainly on a personal level...and let me mention that Katie is doing great, loving her job, living in Michigan, and working out her life in a fabulous "Katydid' way. My life is also great on a...professional? level! What do I call my student status? I feel like I have truly found my calling! People seem to be coming out of the woodwork to talk to me, wanting me to hear them, give them feedback. It's been amazing...and wonderful...humbling too.
Anyway - now is the time to start my application essay for seminary...and
Holy Cow! I just looked at the requirements (for the essay...) - 6-8 pages! answering
*What are my deepest religious questions?
*What is your current sense of your own strengths and growing edges for ministry?
*A statement of your academic and professional objectives in applying to Meadville with specific reference to your proposed degree progaram and career objectives:
- why are you applying to Meadville Lomvard?
- What kinds of challenges or fifts are you anticipating in pursuing an MDiv or MALS (master's in leadership...I'm going for both)?
Damn - it's not that I don't know all of that...but putting it not only in words but on paper that is not in "Cindy speak"...
So send me prayers and ideas - I will post more as there is more:)
So life is good! Certainly on a personal level...and let me mention that Katie is doing great, loving her job, living in Michigan, and working out her life in a fabulous "Katydid' way. My life is also great on a...professional? level! What do I call my student status? I feel like I have truly found my calling! People seem to be coming out of the woodwork to talk to me, wanting me to hear them, give them feedback. It's been amazing...and wonderful...humbling too.
Anyway - now is the time to start my application essay for seminary...and
Holy Cow! I just looked at the requirements (for the essay...) - 6-8 pages! answering
*What are my deepest religious questions?
*What is your current sense of your own strengths and growing edges for ministry?
*A statement of your academic and professional objectives in applying to Meadville with specific reference to your proposed degree progaram and career objectives:
- why are you applying to Meadville Lomvard?
- What kinds of challenges or fifts are you anticipating in pursuing an MDiv or MALS (master's in leadership...I'm going for both)?
Damn - it's not that I don't know all of that...but putting it not only in words but on paper that is not in "Cindy speak"...
So send me prayers and ideas - I will post more as there is more:)
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Progress
These posts are a little out of order, as I hold onto them too long as drafts...
These last few days I have been re-reading my journal from the last year. It begins in January, 2011, when I went through so much trauma with my mom and so much blessing with my brother. It continues on through my first excitement at Sancta Sophia and then on through the lessons and experiences from there. Re-reading my journals often helps me to connect dots that I hadn't previously seen and this is quite a valuable tool.
In April, on my second trip to Sancta Sophia, I was quite nervous for no reason that I could ascertain. In hindsight, it looks as though my intuition was really ramping up...even getting precognitive information! Reading about signs and information that I was getting but couldn't understand, now is much more clear. I tend to blame myself for not understanding my intuition...I'm not good enough, I don't trust myself, if only I was smarter, etc etc. What I see now is that there was no way i could understand the info i was getting...I didn't have a context for it. I thought I was learning to trust myself more, and while that is valuable, what I was really learning was to value myself for who I am. I had 3 major experiences with people yelling at me, telling me to shut up...for 1) asking a question about God, 2) for disagreeing with a student, 3) and for the Dean's misunderstanding of class directions. Wow, really?
Yet b/c of my experience at SS, I have expanded my concept of God tremendously! I have many new theories, more options and a more satisfying relationship with the Divine Mystery. If I hadn't gone to SS, I might not have gained these insights and thus not been open to other concepts. As I am reading material for my classes in Chicago, I find myself able to absorb and be open to new concepts, far more readily than I did before.
The biggest thing tho - is to keep my heart open and vulnerable to myself. I have learned a great deal about valuing my feelings, my worth and my right to be treated with respect. Fascinating isnt' it? To learn to value myself b/c of people telling me to shut up? Especially the Dean - b/c of her poor behavior, I was willing to look at other schools and find what I believe to be a much better match on all levels. I think Meadville will give me far more concrete skills, more credibility, and a broader education.
This valuing myself, has resulted in my coming up in the dating world...allowing myself to date a woman who has many of the qualities I asked for, but couldn't accept that I deserved. She is physically stunning...I mean, she is beautiful...and she wants to be with me! Ain't that somethin'? She is also highly intelligent, (Yale graduate and extremely successful business woman), wealthy, sophisticated, well the list goes on and on...but she also has a great sense of humor, loves her life and allows me mine. LOL - some time ago I said that the perfect woman for me would be someone who travelled a lot and only came home on weekends. Well, Jules doesnt' travel, but she is corporate...works 12-16 hour days (can you imagine??) and so, I typically only see her on weekends. Be careful what you ask for, right?
These last few days I have been re-reading my journal from the last year. It begins in January, 2011, when I went through so much trauma with my mom and so much blessing with my brother. It continues on through my first excitement at Sancta Sophia and then on through the lessons and experiences from there. Re-reading my journals often helps me to connect dots that I hadn't previously seen and this is quite a valuable tool.
In April, on my second trip to Sancta Sophia, I was quite nervous for no reason that I could ascertain. In hindsight, it looks as though my intuition was really ramping up...even getting precognitive information! Reading about signs and information that I was getting but couldn't understand, now is much more clear. I tend to blame myself for not understanding my intuition...I'm not good enough, I don't trust myself, if only I was smarter, etc etc. What I see now is that there was no way i could understand the info i was getting...I didn't have a context for it. I thought I was learning to trust myself more, and while that is valuable, what I was really learning was to value myself for who I am. I had 3 major experiences with people yelling at me, telling me to shut up...for 1) asking a question about God, 2) for disagreeing with a student, 3) and for the Dean's misunderstanding of class directions. Wow, really?
Yet b/c of my experience at SS, I have expanded my concept of God tremendously! I have many new theories, more options and a more satisfying relationship with the Divine Mystery. If I hadn't gone to SS, I might not have gained these insights and thus not been open to other concepts. As I am reading material for my classes in Chicago, I find myself able to absorb and be open to new concepts, far more readily than I did before.
The biggest thing tho - is to keep my heart open and vulnerable to myself. I have learned a great deal about valuing my feelings, my worth and my right to be treated with respect. Fascinating isnt' it? To learn to value myself b/c of people telling me to shut up? Especially the Dean - b/c of her poor behavior, I was willing to look at other schools and find what I believe to be a much better match on all levels. I think Meadville will give me far more concrete skills, more credibility, and a broader education.
This valuing myself, has resulted in my coming up in the dating world...allowing myself to date a woman who has many of the qualities I asked for, but couldn't accept that I deserved. She is physically stunning...I mean, she is beautiful...and she wants to be with me! Ain't that somethin'? She is also highly intelligent, (Yale graduate and extremely successful business woman), wealthy, sophisticated, well the list goes on and on...but she also has a great sense of humor, loves her life and allows me mine. LOL - some time ago I said that the perfect woman for me would be someone who travelled a lot and only came home on weekends. Well, Jules doesnt' travel, but she is corporate...works 12-16 hour days (can you imagine??) and so, I typically only see her on weekends. Be careful what you ask for, right?
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Breaking Open
Life continues to provide opportunities to open my heart, step out of my box, and commit to peace. Practicing mindfulness and praying while disagreeing with someone, "Please help me with this, Lord," is humbling and brings me back to center. I am reminded of my goal - to stay in my own core, to live in my potential, to stand firm in my truth...as I listen, see thro someone else's eyes, and finally, let it be enough to have said my truth.
Is it that I am 51, going on 52 that enables me to see when I am not going to be heard...and let it go? When did having peace become more important than being right? Well, at least sometimes this is true...and sometimes, it's important, for whatever reason, to get mad - and say so. The philosophy of "feeling your feelings"...it is so valuable, but never easy, and the path of "what to do with them" is seldom clear.
Ok - enough philosophy:) You all need to read "Here When You Need Me" by Kate Braestrup. It is profound, entertaining, will make you laugh and cry, numerous times. She proposes that miracles are actually defined, by gratitude. "A miracle is generally understood to be an extraordinary event that cannot be explained by any plausible application of natural laws and principles." If extraordinary and unexplainable are the only definition, then horrible things are miracles as well. Being in the wrong place at the wrong time, could be a miracle...but if we add gratitude...well, it changes everything.
I want to take this a step farther. What if we are hoping for a miracle? Actively working for a miracle? I've recently began dating someone new. She is NOTHING like anyone I have ever dated before...and if I can keep my core, stay in my truth, and let her encourage me to be more than I believe...will that be a miracle? She is beautiful, intelligent, wealthy, and pushes me in my truth and in accepting my own greatness. What if she's "the one"?
God works in mysterious ways and I also believes, has a sense of humor. Loving is something I already know how to do...keeping myself intact is not. This time I want to "break open" and love myself more deeply than I ever have. I believe this will enable me to not only stay intact, but to expand my concept of love. What do you think?
Is it that I am 51, going on 52 that enables me to see when I am not going to be heard...and let it go? When did having peace become more important than being right? Well, at least sometimes this is true...and sometimes, it's important, for whatever reason, to get mad - and say so. The philosophy of "feeling your feelings"...it is so valuable, but never easy, and the path of "what to do with them" is seldom clear.
Ok - enough philosophy:) You all need to read "Here When You Need Me" by Kate Braestrup. It is profound, entertaining, will make you laugh and cry, numerous times. She proposes that miracles are actually defined, by gratitude. "A miracle is generally understood to be an extraordinary event that cannot be explained by any plausible application of natural laws and principles." If extraordinary and unexplainable are the only definition, then horrible things are miracles as well. Being in the wrong place at the wrong time, could be a miracle...but if we add gratitude...well, it changes everything.
I want to take this a step farther. What if we are hoping for a miracle? Actively working for a miracle? I've recently began dating someone new. She is NOTHING like anyone I have ever dated before...and if I can keep my core, stay in my truth, and let her encourage me to be more than I believe...will that be a miracle? She is beautiful, intelligent, wealthy, and pushes me in my truth and in accepting my own greatness. What if she's "the one"?
God works in mysterious ways and I also believes, has a sense of humor. Loving is something I already know how to do...keeping myself intact is not. This time I want to "break open" and love myself more deeply than I ever have. I believe this will enable me to not only stay intact, but to expand my concept of love. What do you think?
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Life After July
Life is damn good. Classes are fascinating, there is an amazing woman in my life, and those I love are doing well. Katie is blissed out in Michigan (she could miss me a LITTLE more...c'est la vie), she will be home at the end of October and I am ready to see her. Lots of learning going on, God is getting bigger and bigger and I am finding a path to witness that expansion. God is good all the time.
Life after July...I met Jules on July 30. I wish I could convey how beautiful she is...both physically and emotionally. This is good for me:) It's building my confidence...does that make any sense? She is also a graduate of Yale, an incredibly successful business woman, and knows who she is. I am continually astounded at how sure she is of what she wants. She also has a big heart. She heard the testimony of a woman at church who couldn't buy her daughter shoes and so she emptied her wallet and gave this woman the cash...$400 in cash. And she's far better than I am at talking to people...people off the street that she doesn't know. I have never seen her be short or nasty with anyone that has approached her, for whatever reason.
The point of this blog tho, is to tell you about my new interpretation of the Prodigal Son story. We heard it Sunday night at MCC (Metropolitan Community Church) and it got me thinking about Joseph Campbell's description of the Hero's Journey. He says in order for the Hero to succeed, he first must get off the couch and go on his journey, and then he must fail. He must be stupid, trust the wrong person, do the wrong thing, and eventually, ask/need help. Only then can he succeed at his journey. So the definition of hero is not success, but failure.
So the Prodigal Son (PS) takes up his hero's journey and makes sure he is well supplied. Well, he gets out in the world and finds things are not as they seem and he fails big time. He ends up in a pigsty, (a good Jewish boy in a pigsty...not a choice most would make) and realizes that he has hit bottom. This is when he decides to truly risk, by going home...not when he took his inheritance and left, but when he became humble enough to look at himself and ask for mercy.
His Father famously says, "All that I have is thine". Do we truly know this about our God and life force? Do we truly know that all that God, the Universe, the Goddess is...is ours? I think we only believe what we can conceive of. Maybe this is when we define a miracle...when something happens that we could not conceive of...but in truth, that potential was always there. How much more potential is just waiting for us, surrounding us, but we want to "see" it, control it and so limit it?
So "all that I have is thine"...and the PS is now his own hero...having learned humility, many things about himself, and no small thing...that his Father loves him no matter what. We can only hope that the PS will continue his quest for learning and life...but what about the 2nd son? He was pissed! Was it pure jealousy? There certainly doesn't seem to be much love lost between brothers, but who can blame 2nd son? Except...2nd son has his own path and it is not the path of PS. So what is there to be jealous of? What if 2nd son is really jealous b/c PS had the courage to go on his first hero's journey...had the courage to fail? Did 2nd son really get up off the couch and take his own path, or just do what was easiest and expected of him? AND - 2nd son has not stretched his love for himself, nor his concept of his Father's love...and so doesn't know how big that could be.
My thought is that 2nd son is afraid...afraid that he can't handle failure...that he can't pick himself up out of his own pigsty, afraid he wouldn't have the courage to ask for help, and especially afraid his Father won't love him, if he does something stupid. So he chooses to be mad at his big brother...and wow, I wonder who was hurt by 2nd son staying outside in the heat, sweaty and smelly and not eating or drinking? Reminds me of the analogy of hate...drinking poison and hoping someone else dies from it...
The bottom line is we all get to play these roles sometime in our lives. When have you been the PS? When have you been the 2nd son? When have you been the Father? truly seeing someone's potential for life, in spite of their screw-ups? When has someone held your "potential space" for you, until you were ready to see it? An important thing to remember as well? None of these roles could have been played out, without each of the other roles. We are all connected, all teachers, all students...all at the same time.
Life after July...I met Jules on July 30. I wish I could convey how beautiful she is...both physically and emotionally. This is good for me:) It's building my confidence...does that make any sense? She is also a graduate of Yale, an incredibly successful business woman, and knows who she is. I am continually astounded at how sure she is of what she wants. She also has a big heart. She heard the testimony of a woman at church who couldn't buy her daughter shoes and so she emptied her wallet and gave this woman the cash...$400 in cash. And she's far better than I am at talking to people...people off the street that she doesn't know. I have never seen her be short or nasty with anyone that has approached her, for whatever reason.
The point of this blog tho, is to tell you about my new interpretation of the Prodigal Son story. We heard it Sunday night at MCC (Metropolitan Community Church) and it got me thinking about Joseph Campbell's description of the Hero's Journey. He says in order for the Hero to succeed, he first must get off the couch and go on his journey, and then he must fail. He must be stupid, trust the wrong person, do the wrong thing, and eventually, ask/need help. Only then can he succeed at his journey. So the definition of hero is not success, but failure.
So the Prodigal Son (PS) takes up his hero's journey and makes sure he is well supplied. Well, he gets out in the world and finds things are not as they seem and he fails big time. He ends up in a pigsty, (a good Jewish boy in a pigsty...not a choice most would make) and realizes that he has hit bottom. This is when he decides to truly risk, by going home...not when he took his inheritance and left, but when he became humble enough to look at himself and ask for mercy.
His Father famously says, "All that I have is thine". Do we truly know this about our God and life force? Do we truly know that all that God, the Universe, the Goddess is...is ours? I think we only believe what we can conceive of. Maybe this is when we define a miracle...when something happens that we could not conceive of...but in truth, that potential was always there. How much more potential is just waiting for us, surrounding us, but we want to "see" it, control it and so limit it?
So "all that I have is thine"...and the PS is now his own hero...having learned humility, many things about himself, and no small thing...that his Father loves him no matter what. We can only hope that the PS will continue his quest for learning and life...but what about the 2nd son? He was pissed! Was it pure jealousy? There certainly doesn't seem to be much love lost between brothers, but who can blame 2nd son? Except...2nd son has his own path and it is not the path of PS. So what is there to be jealous of? What if 2nd son is really jealous b/c PS had the courage to go on his first hero's journey...had the courage to fail? Did 2nd son really get up off the couch and take his own path, or just do what was easiest and expected of him? AND - 2nd son has not stretched his love for himself, nor his concept of his Father's love...and so doesn't know how big that could be.
My thought is that 2nd son is afraid...afraid that he can't handle failure...that he can't pick himself up out of his own pigsty, afraid he wouldn't have the courage to ask for help, and especially afraid his Father won't love him, if he does something stupid. So he chooses to be mad at his big brother...and wow, I wonder who was hurt by 2nd son staying outside in the heat, sweaty and smelly and not eating or drinking? Reminds me of the analogy of hate...drinking poison and hoping someone else dies from it...
The bottom line is we all get to play these roles sometime in our lives. When have you been the PS? When have you been the 2nd son? When have you been the Father? truly seeing someone's potential for life, in spite of their screw-ups? When has someone held your "potential space" for you, until you were ready to see it? An important thing to remember as well? None of these roles could have been played out, without each of the other roles. We are all connected, all teachers, all students...all at the same time.
Monday, September 12, 2011
July was Hell
So, in July, my brother and I, my sister-in-law (may she stay home next time), my daughter and their oldest daughter...went to Bovina, Texas to clean out my parents' house. We have sold it to the neighbor's grandson and in the end, it is a good thing. Suffice it to say, this was an emotional, volatile, and extremely hard thing to do. Thank God I had Katie there...she is such a blessing.
So the following week, I headed back to school. I am doing some marketing for the seminary and we had a 3! hour team meeting while I was there. God save me. This is why I liked being boss - NEVER did I have a 3 hour meeting. Corporate is also a new concept for me...in that new ideas are not really that welcomed. Everytime I offered a new idea or questioned something...I was shut down. They want to bring in all these new students, revitalize the seminary, but not do anything any differently. I believe that is the definition of insanity.
Well, that meeting did not go well, but I left being very clear as to what my perameters were, around what they wanted me to do...so that was good. Then in class the next day, the dean told me to shut up. Yep, 3rd time's a charm! The instructor had told us to discuss the new concept he had just taught, with our partners, which I did. During this discussion period, the dean says, "Would everyone stop their side conversations! Sue is trying to share!" There were several comments to the dean, as we were all doing what we were told to do. I also made a comment, which I do not remember the jist of, and the dean turns to me and says, "Scorpios like it blunt? You need to shut up!"
I've been all over the map in my reaction and processing of this event. I've blamed myself, I've been angry, I've asked "How did I attract this? What am I to learn?" I've also felt ashamed and just shut down. No one else is being yelled at...why me? What did I do to cause it? I've also realized I am not responsible for other people's actions...but I've also been yelled at 3 times!!! In a seminary. Truly there is something wrong with this picture.
Maybe it is my fault. Maybe it isn't. The dean apologized to me personally the next morning, but it was one of those apologies that makes it worse. "I shouldnt' have yelled at you b/c I'm the dean, you're the student. I now know how Stan feels (see previous blog) when he said he felt your sting." So you're saying...it's MY fault? I caused your actions??? In a class...where you were not the instructor, nor listening to the instructions?? WTF?
Here's the thing. The first time I was yelled at, in April, I had asked a question. What still concerns me is that the instructors (of which one was the dean) did not stop this student from yelling at me and continuing to snipe at and interrupt me for the whole class. The second time, with Stan... There were others that said and did a lot more, but I got yelled at. This last time? I still don't know what I said that made the dean "feel my sting"...but she should have addressed that at a different time, not in class...and she should not have brought up Stan, nor blamed me for her actions.
There are those who won't believe me. You've either felt my sting yourself, or seen my volatility, or just figure I deserved it if it happened 3 times. Here's the bottom line for me. I'm in seminary. If I can't ask questions and not be yelled at, something is wrong. If I am doing something that is out of line and inappropriate, someone needs to talk to me, not yell at me in class. The determining factor for me? I do not have any faith that this won't keep happening. I do not feel the instructors, including the dean, have the appropriate skills to keep Stan in line, or themselves.
Here's what a friend of mine pointed out. I have endured a lot of verbal abuse in my life. When this started happening at seminary, I tried to get past it and think it didn't matter. The truth is, it does matter. I deserve a safe place to get an education. What occurred to me, is that SSS is still recovering from PTSD...that campus feels like somebody bombed them. Remember they forced the original leader out and the current dean just came on in January? The previous leader was awful! Yelling at everybody and telling them they were evil! So maybe SSS doesn't recognize verbal abuse when they hear it either. And that is not a situation I want to stay in.
What this means is that I am transferring to the Unitarian Universalist Seminary in Chicago. I can't be matriculated in as a full-time seminary student until June, 2012...but I can start accredited classes this fall. Let's just assume I will be accepted, b/c I am a good student and good person, Scorpio or not! My decision is not just based on how I've been treated...but also on the lack of accredation that SSS has. Of the instructors that I've had, only the dean and her husband have a master's degree themselves. Their "counseling" class that I took in June, was a joke and I'm not certain at all, that I will have the skills I need at the end of 4 years, if I stay at SSS. I can also get a dual master's at UU in Chicago...Master's of Divinity and Master's of Arts in Leadership.
I'm guessing I might have to work a tad bit harder....UU actually gives you a reading list BEFORE the class! They work on an intensive schedule as well, I only have to spend 1 week on campus per class, but I am given the reading assignment 3 months in advance and will have conference calls and online study groups on a weekly basis. I'm guessing I WILL come out of this program with the skills I need and the seminary is much more recognized!
After all of this in Oklahoma, I still had to go back to Texas and finish Mom and Dad's house. The good news is that I went by myself and got some very healing "alone time" there...some closure. It was quite needed and welcome. Ok - if any of you have made it all the way thro this blog...I thank you for listening.
So the following week, I headed back to school. I am doing some marketing for the seminary and we had a 3! hour team meeting while I was there. God save me. This is why I liked being boss - NEVER did I have a 3 hour meeting. Corporate is also a new concept for me...in that new ideas are not really that welcomed. Everytime I offered a new idea or questioned something...I was shut down. They want to bring in all these new students, revitalize the seminary, but not do anything any differently. I believe that is the definition of insanity.
Well, that meeting did not go well, but I left being very clear as to what my perameters were, around what they wanted me to do...so that was good. Then in class the next day, the dean told me to shut up. Yep, 3rd time's a charm! The instructor had told us to discuss the new concept he had just taught, with our partners, which I did. During this discussion period, the dean says, "Would everyone stop their side conversations! Sue is trying to share!" There were several comments to the dean, as we were all doing what we were told to do. I also made a comment, which I do not remember the jist of, and the dean turns to me and says, "Scorpios like it blunt? You need to shut up!"
I've been all over the map in my reaction and processing of this event. I've blamed myself, I've been angry, I've asked "How did I attract this? What am I to learn?" I've also felt ashamed and just shut down. No one else is being yelled at...why me? What did I do to cause it? I've also realized I am not responsible for other people's actions...but I've also been yelled at 3 times!!! In a seminary. Truly there is something wrong with this picture.
Maybe it is my fault. Maybe it isn't. The dean apologized to me personally the next morning, but it was one of those apologies that makes it worse. "I shouldnt' have yelled at you b/c I'm the dean, you're the student. I now know how Stan feels (see previous blog) when he said he felt your sting." So you're saying...it's MY fault? I caused your actions??? In a class...where you were not the instructor, nor listening to the instructions?? WTF?
Here's the thing. The first time I was yelled at, in April, I had asked a question. What still concerns me is that the instructors (of which one was the dean) did not stop this student from yelling at me and continuing to snipe at and interrupt me for the whole class. The second time, with Stan... There were others that said and did a lot more, but I got yelled at. This last time? I still don't know what I said that made the dean "feel my sting"...but she should have addressed that at a different time, not in class...and she should not have brought up Stan, nor blamed me for her actions.
There are those who won't believe me. You've either felt my sting yourself, or seen my volatility, or just figure I deserved it if it happened 3 times. Here's the bottom line for me. I'm in seminary. If I can't ask questions and not be yelled at, something is wrong. If I am doing something that is out of line and inappropriate, someone needs to talk to me, not yell at me in class. The determining factor for me? I do not have any faith that this won't keep happening. I do not feel the instructors, including the dean, have the appropriate skills to keep Stan in line, or themselves.
Here's what a friend of mine pointed out. I have endured a lot of verbal abuse in my life. When this started happening at seminary, I tried to get past it and think it didn't matter. The truth is, it does matter. I deserve a safe place to get an education. What occurred to me, is that SSS is still recovering from PTSD...that campus feels like somebody bombed them. Remember they forced the original leader out and the current dean just came on in January? The previous leader was awful! Yelling at everybody and telling them they were evil! So maybe SSS doesn't recognize verbal abuse when they hear it either. And that is not a situation I want to stay in.
What this means is that I am transferring to the Unitarian Universalist Seminary in Chicago. I can't be matriculated in as a full-time seminary student until June, 2012...but I can start accredited classes this fall. Let's just assume I will be accepted, b/c I am a good student and good person, Scorpio or not! My decision is not just based on how I've been treated...but also on the lack of accredation that SSS has. Of the instructors that I've had, only the dean and her husband have a master's degree themselves. Their "counseling" class that I took in June, was a joke and I'm not certain at all, that I will have the skills I need at the end of 4 years, if I stay at SSS. I can also get a dual master's at UU in Chicago...Master's of Divinity and Master's of Arts in Leadership.
I'm guessing I might have to work a tad bit harder....UU actually gives you a reading list BEFORE the class! They work on an intensive schedule as well, I only have to spend 1 week on campus per class, but I am given the reading assignment 3 months in advance and will have conference calls and online study groups on a weekly basis. I'm guessing I WILL come out of this program with the skills I need and the seminary is much more recognized!
After all of this in Oklahoma, I still had to go back to Texas and finish Mom and Dad's house. The good news is that I went by myself and got some very healing "alone time" there...some closure. It was quite needed and welcome. Ok - if any of you have made it all the way thro this blog...I thank you for listening.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Onward & Upward
I just can't do it anymore. Be yelled at. I haven't blogged...b/c I just couldn't. First John, Julie & I go to Texas and clean out the house I grew up in. My sister-in-law is a nightmare, so she makes a hard thing, oh! so much harder. Then I head back to school and my girlfriend of 6 weeks (yea, it was deep) breaks up with me. Then in school, my dean yells at me in class. Tells me to shut-up. I am so done with this school. But if you thought that was the end of my month, no, no - I have to go back to Texas and finish the job - which I have to say, was good. I was able to gain closure - but let me tell ya, it was still hard. Do you know how odd it was to drive away, and realize I might never see the house again?
Then my brother falls off the pedestal that I have him on. I will give no details, but let me just say - watching he and Julie walk down the same path as my parents' marriage is fucking scary. It has been empowering in some ways - he and I are equals now. I am no more stupid or incompetent or omniscient, than he is. We both get to be mortal and fallible, and still love each other...but my new position in life, is just as world shifting, as his new position.
So I am transferring to Meadville Unitarian Universalist seminary in Chicago. It is larger, more established, more professional (I bet their professors don't yell at their students!) than Sancta Sophia. I also think their theology makes sense. SSS...their theology is just too "out there" for me. Can you imagine that I am saying something is too "out there" for me???? but it is. So Chicago will be 'intensive" courses something like SSS, in that I only have to be on campus for January. Right, Chicago in January. Joy. I lived in Chicago for 7 years...never thought I would go back. Never say never.
What am I looking forward to? Going to NYC with Katie to one of her good friend's wedding. Then I plan to go see Mom (Boston) and travel onto Provincetown. I'm hoping my cousin is going to join me - and we can just hang out, catch up, and enjoy the east coast in October. I am dating someone new...but she thinks the world is going to end in October. Might as well be in Provincetown:)
This has been a summer of evolution and learning. The heat has been on in so many ways:) I'm also looking forward to getting a reading list before the first day of class! I hope your summer has been good - maybe we are all ready for life to cool down a bit...joining Persephone in the Underworld may be more peaceful than we imagined.
Then my brother falls off the pedestal that I have him on. I will give no details, but let me just say - watching he and Julie walk down the same path as my parents' marriage is fucking scary. It has been empowering in some ways - he and I are equals now. I am no more stupid or incompetent or omniscient, than he is. We both get to be mortal and fallible, and still love each other...but my new position in life, is just as world shifting, as his new position.
So I am transferring to Meadville Unitarian Universalist seminary in Chicago. It is larger, more established, more professional (I bet their professors don't yell at their students!) than Sancta Sophia. I also think their theology makes sense. SSS...their theology is just too "out there" for me. Can you imagine that I am saying something is too "out there" for me???? but it is. So Chicago will be 'intensive" courses something like SSS, in that I only have to be on campus for January. Right, Chicago in January. Joy. I lived in Chicago for 7 years...never thought I would go back. Never say never.
What am I looking forward to? Going to NYC with Katie to one of her good friend's wedding. Then I plan to go see Mom (Boston) and travel onto Provincetown. I'm hoping my cousin is going to join me - and we can just hang out, catch up, and enjoy the east coast in October. I am dating someone new...but she thinks the world is going to end in October. Might as well be in Provincetown:)
This has been a summer of evolution and learning. The heat has been on in so many ways:) I'm also looking forward to getting a reading list before the first day of class! I hope your summer has been good - maybe we are all ready for life to cool down a bit...joining Persephone in the Underworld may be more peaceful than we imagined.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
Stan, the Man
So, the names have been changed to protect...me. I've heard too many horror stories about how employers find blogs and then throw you in jail. Or something like that. Anyway - Stan is a student at Sancta Sophia, and he and I have had a few issues. He has been labeled genius...he is a chemist and seems quite brilliant in that field. Except he can't keep a job, b/c he has no social skills. He has also been labeled with Asberger's, Autistic, and crazy. He interrupts, talks on & on, and talks about science endlessly... in an alternative seminary...alternative simply means we're all batshit crazy, but are WOOWOO...not scientists. Please.
Stan is religious-right about science (I don't know why he's in seminary...my friend says it's b/c seminaries take all the misfits that no one else wants...I'm not sure what that says about me:) ANYway...Stan made me crazy in April, b/c he interrupted everyone, including the instructors. He is very tall, large, with a BIG voice...and so no one else can be heard when he is talking. So - I approached him as I was trained to...by himself, so there was no pressure to impress someone or fear of being embarressed....and asked him to not interrupt. He had a fit. Yelled a bit, told me to "let it go" and that he had heard that all his life and was sick of it. It didn't seem appropriate to ask him, if he had heard it all his life... why he hadn't tried to change it? There I go - being Ms. Pro-Active!
So in June, we had our healing modalities class. Stan started out ok, but got worse as the week progressed. Finally, he threw a bit of a fit in class, about how everyone else was interrupting him...and I very gently said (truly - i was gentle and quiet in my approach) "but Stan, you interrupt as well...". WW3. He screamed at me. Told me to shut up 3 times and generally, scared me to death. I truly had so much adrenaline running through my body, I could have run to Canada. Those of you who have been in abusive relationships, know what I mean. Fight, flight or freeze. I froze. It was truly awful....but you know that is not the end of the story.
I did manage to pray. And I asked myself...do I need to leave? Can I stay? What should I do? Now those of you who know me, know I have many spiritual resources...I have angels, guides, and a fairly new tribe that comes from a past-life experience...or an astral travel experience...or I made it up...i don't care - my tribe is powerful and they take care of me. They are the ones who answered. "Open your heart." Are you fucking kidding me???? "Open your heart". Yep, that's what they said, and that is how I answered.
The thing is - I trust them. So I opened my heart. Maybe it was only a crack, but it was not slammed shut as I did in April, when the Esoteric-religious-right woman verbally attacked me. (Why am I being attacked in each class? sigh - I've been told it's b/c I'm ready. I'm a ground breaker. It's my astrological signs...whatever. I also am the only new student, the only one without a background in esoterism, and the one with all the questions) So back to my tribe. I do trust them. And this has been quite a process.
To make a long story short...sort of...I asked them to give Stan another chance for healing...(they could have kicked him out...he was that verbally abusive) and so they did...give him another chance. While my 51 y/o self was pleased with my response, my "little girl" and my "young woman" were not so happy. There has been quite a lot of fear, anxiety and anger to process this week. Did I mention I get to go back on Sunday and be in a counseling class with Stan? Joy.
And so the point of this blog is to tell you what I got in my craniosacral session today. Open my heart and stay neutral. Expect nothing from Stan. Not healing, not anger, not quiet, not shouting...let him be empowered to find his own healing...do not offer him anything but neutral, open hearted, love. Try to imagine neutral love. Imagine giving it to a terrorist.
The other small thing...Stan had to get that "loud" in energy volume, to shatter the hold my mother has had on my energy system. It could only be shattered if I had an open heart. This whole thing is really about my own healing. The whole, damn thing. God truly works in mysterious ways...
Stan is religious-right about science (I don't know why he's in seminary...my friend says it's b/c seminaries take all the misfits that no one else wants...I'm not sure what that says about me:) ANYway...Stan made me crazy in April, b/c he interrupted everyone, including the instructors. He is very tall, large, with a BIG voice...and so no one else can be heard when he is talking. So - I approached him as I was trained to...by himself, so there was no pressure to impress someone or fear of being embarressed....and asked him to not interrupt. He had a fit. Yelled a bit, told me to "let it go" and that he had heard that all his life and was sick of it. It didn't seem appropriate to ask him, if he had heard it all his life... why he hadn't tried to change it? There I go - being Ms. Pro-Active!
So in June, we had our healing modalities class. Stan started out ok, but got worse as the week progressed. Finally, he threw a bit of a fit in class, about how everyone else was interrupting him...and I very gently said (truly - i was gentle and quiet in my approach) "but Stan, you interrupt as well...". WW3. He screamed at me. Told me to shut up 3 times and generally, scared me to death. I truly had so much adrenaline running through my body, I could have run to Canada. Those of you who have been in abusive relationships, know what I mean. Fight, flight or freeze. I froze. It was truly awful....but you know that is not the end of the story.
I did manage to pray. And I asked myself...do I need to leave? Can I stay? What should I do? Now those of you who know me, know I have many spiritual resources...I have angels, guides, and a fairly new tribe that comes from a past-life experience...or an astral travel experience...or I made it up...i don't care - my tribe is powerful and they take care of me. They are the ones who answered. "Open your heart." Are you fucking kidding me???? "Open your heart". Yep, that's what they said, and that is how I answered.
The thing is - I trust them. So I opened my heart. Maybe it was only a crack, but it was not slammed shut as I did in April, when the Esoteric-religious-right woman verbally attacked me. (Why am I being attacked in each class? sigh - I've been told it's b/c I'm ready. I'm a ground breaker. It's my astrological signs...whatever. I also am the only new student, the only one without a background in esoterism, and the one with all the questions) So back to my tribe. I do trust them. And this has been quite a process.
To make a long story short...sort of...I asked them to give Stan another chance for healing...(they could have kicked him out...he was that verbally abusive) and so they did...give him another chance. While my 51 y/o self was pleased with my response, my "little girl" and my "young woman" were not so happy. There has been quite a lot of fear, anxiety and anger to process this week. Did I mention I get to go back on Sunday and be in a counseling class with Stan? Joy.
And so the point of this blog is to tell you what I got in my craniosacral session today. Open my heart and stay neutral. Expect nothing from Stan. Not healing, not anger, not quiet, not shouting...let him be empowered to find his own healing...do not offer him anything but neutral, open hearted, love. Try to imagine neutral love. Imagine giving it to a terrorist.
The other small thing...Stan had to get that "loud" in energy volume, to shatter the hold my mother has had on my energy system. It could only be shattered if I had an open heart. This whole thing is really about my own healing. The whole, damn thing. God truly works in mysterious ways...
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Faith Crisis #3
I guess I'm just going to have a faith crisis on a regular basis. For someone who thought she was so "open minded" - I sure have a lot of BS (belief system:) that is getting blown to smithereens! This last paper was a menopausal bitch- and since I am menopausal, I can say that. "She" - the paper, was moody, volatile, inconsistent, and unfair. She ran hot and cold, up and down...and I re-created her 5 times. From scratch. I finally sent it in, 2 days late, and am SO glad to have this one done. I'm sure there was a lot I could learn about time management, as I spent 4 of the 5 weeks on Jesus and MBE, and then had only 1 week to compare creation myths.
So. In my research I realize, that MOST of the stories in the Bible are inspired from mythology. Yes, I said this already...in my last blog. This is a big deal to me! I also am coming to terms with God being a Rorschact (?) blot. Really - God is a human construct. I know, I know - I am still going to hell. Personally, I believe Hades chose the Underworld just to get out of all those meetings with Zeus and all the other Gods! Just think about all that ego!
I also did the tiniest piece of research on Joseph Campbell and one thing he said really hit home for me. "I don't need faith, I have my own experience!" This truly is what it comes down to for me. God has been recreated more times than my most recent paper...just in MY experience in the last week! so I had to come down to, "What does God mean to me?" Do I truly believe that God exists?
Well, those of you who are wondering if I was taken in the Rapture (HA! LOL) I do believe in God. The reason I believe in God is simply not about church or belief systems or prayer (well, maybe a little bit of prayer)...it's about my own healing and evolution. I've been healed instantaneously of strep throat, while being the biggest sinner there is by definition...I sold my house in Fenton in an amazing way (another story), and Holistic Fitness sold, thereby giving me a time of true blessing and healing. It simply doesn't matter to me how all of this is explained - it means God exists for me. God was there for me and is more real for me now, in this time of blessing and few dramatic events...than ever before. I think that is it. God doesn't have to be in the instantaneous healing...altho that's nice, VERY nice...but this time of evolution for me, is going to be a mainstay for me in my future. This is foundation time.
Truly. When I am sitting on my deck, writing my papers...it may be raining (I have a screened-in porch:), or windy, or sunny...the birds are out, the air is fresh and LIFE IS DAMN GOOD. I see God on my screened-in porch. It's an energy, an atmosphere. It is being soaked into my bones and is saturating into my blood. I will be able to bring this energy up, into my experience, from now on. And please understand. I DO appreciate what a blessed time this is. My life is fabulous. Glorious. and I am grateful. Even when the papers I write take on a personality of their own and become menopausal bitches. Even then.
So. In my research I realize, that MOST of the stories in the Bible are inspired from mythology. Yes, I said this already...in my last blog. This is a big deal to me! I also am coming to terms with God being a Rorschact (?) blot. Really - God is a human construct. I know, I know - I am still going to hell. Personally, I believe Hades chose the Underworld just to get out of all those meetings with Zeus and all the other Gods! Just think about all that ego!
I also did the tiniest piece of research on Joseph Campbell and one thing he said really hit home for me. "I don't need faith, I have my own experience!" This truly is what it comes down to for me. God has been recreated more times than my most recent paper...just in MY experience in the last week! so I had to come down to, "What does God mean to me?" Do I truly believe that God exists?
Well, those of you who are wondering if I was taken in the Rapture (HA! LOL) I do believe in God. The reason I believe in God is simply not about church or belief systems or prayer (well, maybe a little bit of prayer)...it's about my own healing and evolution. I've been healed instantaneously of strep throat, while being the biggest sinner there is by definition...I sold my house in Fenton in an amazing way (another story), and Holistic Fitness sold, thereby giving me a time of true blessing and healing. It simply doesn't matter to me how all of this is explained - it means God exists for me. God was there for me and is more real for me now, in this time of blessing and few dramatic events...than ever before. I think that is it. God doesn't have to be in the instantaneous healing...altho that's nice, VERY nice...but this time of evolution for me, is going to be a mainstay for me in my future. This is foundation time.
Truly. When I am sitting on my deck, writing my papers...it may be raining (I have a screened-in porch:), or windy, or sunny...the birds are out, the air is fresh and LIFE IS DAMN GOOD. I see God on my screened-in porch. It's an energy, an atmosphere. It is being soaked into my bones and is saturating into my blood. I will be able to bring this energy up, into my experience, from now on. And please understand. I DO appreciate what a blessed time this is. My life is fabulous. Glorious. and I am grateful. Even when the papers I write take on a personality of their own and become menopausal bitches. Even then.
Myth and Our Belief System
Okey Dokey - warning. There may be material in this blog that messes with your religion - ie: your belief system. It has certainly messed with mine.
So here's the deal. I am now writing a paper contrasting creation stories. Genesis vs (my choices) Greek mythology and Native American Indian myths. The first thing to define is myth - religious story that informs and guides a faith tradition. Marcus Borg, Bible scholar puts it another way...a story that has true meaning, whether or not it's factual.
The factual part...that's what got me. I grew up, like most of you, thinking my religion was about facts. I believed, without a doubt, that Jesus was born of a virgin, healed multitudes, that Samuel survived the lion's den (wasn't it Samuel?) and Abraham almost sacrificed his son...but his wonderful God stopped him at the last minute. (Except I always had issue that God would ask in the first place! but some things ya just don't question...until you go to seminary)
So I start doing my research for this paper, and find that many of the Bible stories are first told in Greek mythology...and it occurs to me that Zeus looks just like that description of God as the man in the white beard, sitting on a throne, making judgements. That God is also vengeful, unpredictable, and NOT comforting. Sounds like Zeus.
Speaking of Zeus - his mother Rhea hid him in a cave, in a basket...does anyone else think of Moses? Humans were made in "gods image" on two feet, so they could gaze up at the heavens, rather than at the ground, like animals. Oh yea - Zeus punished humans with floods. Pandora was given to men as an "equal creature of delight and torment", then given a box and told not to open it. uh - Genesis did come to mind...and what sort of God gives you a gift and then says not to open it?
What if the Bible is myth? All of it? Remember the definitions...they're true, just not factual. That means I get to decide what is meaningful to me - but more importantly, it means I get to decide who and what God is. Does this feel sacriligious to you? It felt overwhelming to me. Just tell me what to do! Tell me the truth! Tell me who God is - don't make me decide!
Isn't that what mankind has been doing for centuries? and then when God doesn't work out, we dump Him or move on to another belief system. I mean, Greek mythology is just as widespread as Christianity, except we would never say we believed it to be true. Except that it is the BASIS for Christianity. Yes, I do know I'm going to hell - except hell is just a belief system:) and somehow, since there are a few of you still emailing me that you like my blog...I must be striking a chord.
The thing that amazes me? How strong a belief system can be, and how a civilization can be run on fear. Some guy stronger than you, kills your neighbor for believing the wrong thing...and somehow, your sacred belief system is not so important b/c you want to stay alive. How many countries have been dominated this way?
Well, you can see that I want to share the wealth where all this thought processing comes in:) Thanks for listening! Again!
So here's the deal. I am now writing a paper contrasting creation stories. Genesis vs (my choices) Greek mythology and Native American Indian myths. The first thing to define is myth - religious story that informs and guides a faith tradition. Marcus Borg, Bible scholar puts it another way...a story that has true meaning, whether or not it's factual.
The factual part...that's what got me. I grew up, like most of you, thinking my religion was about facts. I believed, without a doubt, that Jesus was born of a virgin, healed multitudes, that Samuel survived the lion's den (wasn't it Samuel?) and Abraham almost sacrificed his son...but his wonderful God stopped him at the last minute. (Except I always had issue that God would ask in the first place! but some things ya just don't question...until you go to seminary)
So I start doing my research for this paper, and find that many of the Bible stories are first told in Greek mythology...and it occurs to me that Zeus looks just like that description of God as the man in the white beard, sitting on a throne, making judgements. That God is also vengeful, unpredictable, and NOT comforting. Sounds like Zeus.
Speaking of Zeus - his mother Rhea hid him in a cave, in a basket...does anyone else think of Moses? Humans were made in "gods image" on two feet, so they could gaze up at the heavens, rather than at the ground, like animals. Oh yea - Zeus punished humans with floods. Pandora was given to men as an "equal creature of delight and torment", then given a box and told not to open it. uh - Genesis did come to mind...and what sort of God gives you a gift and then says not to open it?
What if the Bible is myth? All of it? Remember the definitions...they're true, just not factual. That means I get to decide what is meaningful to me - but more importantly, it means I get to decide who and what God is. Does this feel sacriligious to you? It felt overwhelming to me. Just tell me what to do! Tell me the truth! Tell me who God is - don't make me decide!
Isn't that what mankind has been doing for centuries? and then when God doesn't work out, we dump Him or move on to another belief system. I mean, Greek mythology is just as widespread as Christianity, except we would never say we believed it to be true. Except that it is the BASIS for Christianity. Yes, I do know I'm going to hell - except hell is just a belief system:) and somehow, since there are a few of you still emailing me that you like my blog...I must be striking a chord.
The thing that amazes me? How strong a belief system can be, and how a civilization can be run on fear. Some guy stronger than you, kills your neighbor for believing the wrong thing...and somehow, your sacred belief system is not so important b/c you want to stay alive. How many countries have been dominated this way?
Well, you can see that I want to share the wealth where all this thought processing comes in:) Thanks for listening! Again!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)