So, have you heard the story about the American Indians, who, when they were ready to die, would just walk out into the woods, lay down and offer up their spirit? They passed on their own terms and did not let their body dictate how they would live. I wonder if my Mom is doing that? Except she could never just walk out into the woods and die - not without any fanfare and nashing of teeth! No, no - she would need lots of nashing, some tearing of hair and plenty of wailing. Then there's just that small issue of - she is the one who is going thro all the physical agony - but she certainly has everyone's attention!
If you haven't been on my Facebook, or haven't answered my numerous phone calls...you may not know that my Mom fell and broke her hip on Friday morning. My plan had been to get on a plane and fly home, but instead I spent 8+ hours in an ER and then the specialty hospital that she was transferred to...and, Mom, being Mom, now has her own personal, hospital aide, to keep her from pulling out her catheter, her IV, and taking off her hospital gown. Again, she certainly has everyone's attention.
The deal is - she says she was helping some gentleman in her facility...who was far older than her, (grin)scared and needing her help, when she hurt her leg. She had to have twisted in some way, b/c she has a spiral fracture, down the full length of her right femur. She is going to have a complete revision of her hip replacement and it is a very serious surgery. Hours of surgery, lots of blood loss, and just very traumatic for someone who is 90 years old. In fact, one doctor told us she only had a 50% chance of surviving the surgery- but what do doctors know? We get a different story from every doctor we talk to...it's like they're "practicing" medicine or something...rather than playing God. (I digress and give you a commercial break of my personal opinion...like a blog is something other than a personal opinion!:)
I can only tell you that I am so sad that my Mom has done this, and now has to go through such a horrendous ordeal. Rehab is 2-4 weeks, and will be worse than her original hip replacement. She is not in her right mind, so explaining why she needs to get up and try to walk, when it hurts like a spike being driven thro your leg...is not going to be easy. And she may very well refuse, which means she will never walk again. but we must remember that my mother is a strong, "I'll prove you wrong" woman. John says she may out-live us all. Of course, we all may commit suicide b/c we just can't take any more of her drama! But who knows... actually, the only thing I know, is that she will surprise us...one way or the other.
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Thursday, January 27, 2011
Light is always better on the other side
Today is better...mainly b/c I haven't received a phone call from Mom's place. John and I agreed that he should call and check on her, get their story, see if I am banned from the place (I should be so lucky). So far so good. I'm sure she is very busy, as that is just Mom - hopefully they will continue to get to know her and be able to handle any future challenges...as I am going home TOMORROW! John and I agreed that there wasn't much else I can do, and since we want the staff at Mom's place to handle things and not rely on us...I am going home:) Yea and Praise God!
Yes, I am homesick, miss my dog and want my own house - but I will miss my brother and his family. This has been such a hard time, yet so blessed. I have bonded with my nieces, enjoyed my sister-in-law and supported my brother. What more can I ask? I have truly enjoyed my time here, felt part of my family in a way I have never felt before and will miss them...alot! Is it that I have grown up? or have just healed in a way that has opened me to their love? I have some ideas about all this, but truly? I don't know.
Several weeks ago, I came home and realized that I would never be what my family wanted me to be. I'm a Lesbian, I'm medical (holistic doesn't really matter), and I'm not married with kids at home. This really sets me apart...but I also don't want what they have. I like my life, who I am and what I am pursuing. Suddenly I realized that I am not supposed to be like them, nor them like me...and yet we can love each other. I had to grieve this loss and gain, but it was good in the end.
Then on this trip - my mother accused me of hitting and slapping her. John didn't believe her! I did not realize how big a deal this was. It feels like I have taken the blame for everything bad in my family...forever...and for my brother to believe in me...well, it was just huge. I tried to tell my sister-in-law, Julie, how much this meant to me, and I started crying. It was a big deal.
From the moment after John said he didn't believe my mother...I have had this deep-seated peace and joy. I have loved being with John and his family. We have tag-teamed when my mom was staying at his place...we have laughed together in stress-release at the end of the day, and we got her moved into a new, lovely place that will keep her safe and where the staff will come to care about her. I have been appreciated for who I am and the love I give, as I have also done for them. I cannot express how good it feels to be a part of my family...so good.
The icing on the cake? LOL - I experienced snowshoeing and found out how lovely it is to be out in the woods in winter -silent, cold and white. I went out today, in 12 inches of new powder! and I will go again tomorrow before I leave. It is lovely and was a new nature experience for me. Now I will be disappointed if I come visit and there is no snow. Well, in winter anyway...I am happy to experience flowers and birds in Boston. Maybe, I will even get to go whale watching in the spring:) I think the Blues migrate in the spring or early summer:) Wahoo:)
For all of you reading this and who have sent wonderful messages of support...thank you. I love you all.
Yes, I am homesick, miss my dog and want my own house - but I will miss my brother and his family. This has been such a hard time, yet so blessed. I have bonded with my nieces, enjoyed my sister-in-law and supported my brother. What more can I ask? I have truly enjoyed my time here, felt part of my family in a way I have never felt before and will miss them...alot! Is it that I have grown up? or have just healed in a way that has opened me to their love? I have some ideas about all this, but truly? I don't know.
Several weeks ago, I came home and realized that I would never be what my family wanted me to be. I'm a Lesbian, I'm medical (holistic doesn't really matter), and I'm not married with kids at home. This really sets me apart...but I also don't want what they have. I like my life, who I am and what I am pursuing. Suddenly I realized that I am not supposed to be like them, nor them like me...and yet we can love each other. I had to grieve this loss and gain, but it was good in the end.
Then on this trip - my mother accused me of hitting and slapping her. John didn't believe her! I did not realize how big a deal this was. It feels like I have taken the blame for everything bad in my family...forever...and for my brother to believe in me...well, it was just huge. I tried to tell my sister-in-law, Julie, how much this meant to me, and I started crying. It was a big deal.
From the moment after John said he didn't believe my mother...I have had this deep-seated peace and joy. I have loved being with John and his family. We have tag-teamed when my mom was staying at his place...we have laughed together in stress-release at the end of the day, and we got her moved into a new, lovely place that will keep her safe and where the staff will come to care about her. I have been appreciated for who I am and the love I give, as I have also done for them. I cannot express how good it feels to be a part of my family...so good.
The icing on the cake? LOL - I experienced snowshoeing and found out how lovely it is to be out in the woods in winter -silent, cold and white. I went out today, in 12 inches of new powder! and I will go again tomorrow before I leave. It is lovely and was a new nature experience for me. Now I will be disappointed if I come visit and there is no snow. Well, in winter anyway...I am happy to experience flowers and birds in Boston. Maybe, I will even get to go whale watching in the spring:) I think the Blues migrate in the spring or early summer:) Wahoo:)
For all of you reading this and who have sent wonderful messages of support...thank you. I love you all.
If you think you are evolved...
"If you think you are evolved, spend 2 weeks with your parents." Ekhardt Tolle
So true. Does anyone else find it ironic that my future plans include possibly being the minister of a church, getting a master's in divinity, and my great passion is spirituality...but I want to kill my mother? So she's in her new place, her rooms are just beautiful b/c of the administrations of my sister-in-law, the staff are very sweet, - but here's the kicker - they didn't tell us everything. Well, we didn't tell them everything either...but then, we haven't done this before. This is their job, dammit - they should be very, very clear.
So we moved Mom in yesterday. I left after she was somewhat settled and we had dinner together. I went out to get her this morning, b/c John and I agreed that we have to have the option of medication...we are that much at our wits end, and so I had to take her to the doctor for the prescription. We went to lunch, and I took her back and the staff immediately engaged her in an activity, so I left. About 5:00, Liz, the RN at Mom's place, called and asked me to come out. Mom wouldn't eat dinner, she wouldn't settle and they had not received her medication yet. When Mom gets on a roll, she talks and "fixes" endlessly...even if it doesn't need fixing.
I get there about 7 pm and they tell me she is fine, but she won't take the medication. Now this facility is an "assisted living" facility, and so can only "assist" her with taking her meds. This is what they didn't tell us. They won't put it in her food, or disguise it in any way. She must cooperate and take it. HELLO???? Did you not hear anything my brother and I both told you??? She is a not going to cooperate, in fact, as they found out...she will spit in your face if you pressure her to do something she doesn't want to do. They asked her to take the pill, she threw it at them. They asked her again later, she put it in her mouth and then spit it at them. So I go out there...I put it in ice cream, and she eats the whole dish. What the hell! Is it really so hard to drop it in the ice cream and then just let her eat it?
So while I'm there, as she's eating her ice cream, she is walking into people's rooms. She is hearing imaginary conversations, and deciding that these two male patients want her to sleep with them b/c they are scared. Now I know this sounds sad and poignant and all that...but the truth is, she is walking into male patient's rooms that she doesn't know, and making all kinds of racket. I have to bodily pick her up and pull her out. Can you guess how much she liked that? and the damn CNA says, "Oh don't upset her!" I walk her back to her room, with her cussing me the whole way, with the CNA's following me. Now everyone is upset, including me!
The question is...what the hell did they WANT me to do? Can you tell I'm frustrated? I just left. Mom is still cussing me, so I told her I was leaving b/c I was just upsetting her. I haven't received a phone call, so either the Atavan has taken affect and she is asleep...or she is still trying to get into some unsuspecting male patient's bed. And at this point, I just don't care, as long as they don't call me...or John. Do your damn job.
So true. Does anyone else find it ironic that my future plans include possibly being the minister of a church, getting a master's in divinity, and my great passion is spirituality...but I want to kill my mother? So she's in her new place, her rooms are just beautiful b/c of the administrations of my sister-in-law, the staff are very sweet, - but here's the kicker - they didn't tell us everything. Well, we didn't tell them everything either...but then, we haven't done this before. This is their job, dammit - they should be very, very clear.
So we moved Mom in yesterday. I left after she was somewhat settled and we had dinner together. I went out to get her this morning, b/c John and I agreed that we have to have the option of medication...we are that much at our wits end, and so I had to take her to the doctor for the prescription. We went to lunch, and I took her back and the staff immediately engaged her in an activity, so I left. About 5:00, Liz, the RN at Mom's place, called and asked me to come out. Mom wouldn't eat dinner, she wouldn't settle and they had not received her medication yet. When Mom gets on a roll, she talks and "fixes" endlessly...even if it doesn't need fixing.
I get there about 7 pm and they tell me she is fine, but she won't take the medication. Now this facility is an "assisted living" facility, and so can only "assist" her with taking her meds. This is what they didn't tell us. They won't put it in her food, or disguise it in any way. She must cooperate and take it. HELLO???? Did you not hear anything my brother and I both told you??? She is a not going to cooperate, in fact, as they found out...she will spit in your face if you pressure her to do something she doesn't want to do. They asked her to take the pill, she threw it at them. They asked her again later, she put it in her mouth and then spit it at them. So I go out there...I put it in ice cream, and she eats the whole dish. What the hell! Is it really so hard to drop it in the ice cream and then just let her eat it?
So while I'm there, as she's eating her ice cream, she is walking into people's rooms. She is hearing imaginary conversations, and deciding that these two male patients want her to sleep with them b/c they are scared. Now I know this sounds sad and poignant and all that...but the truth is, she is walking into male patient's rooms that she doesn't know, and making all kinds of racket. I have to bodily pick her up and pull her out. Can you guess how much she liked that? and the damn CNA says, "Oh don't upset her!" I walk her back to her room, with her cussing me the whole way, with the CNA's following me. Now everyone is upset, including me!
The question is...what the hell did they WANT me to do? Can you tell I'm frustrated? I just left. Mom is still cussing me, so I told her I was leaving b/c I was just upsetting her. I haven't received a phone call, so either the Atavan has taken affect and she is asleep...or she is still trying to get into some unsuspecting male patient's bed. And at this point, I just don't care, as long as they don't call me...or John. Do your damn job.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
The Time Has Come
So I've written 2-3 drafts and deleted them all. It is time for Mom to be put into an Alzheimer's facility. We've (John, Julie and I) known this was coming, but now that it's here...hell. It's as hard to watch John go through his grief process, as it is to imagine how Mom is going to respond.
Mom, John and Julie are Christian Scientists. They have held out against medical intervention for absolutely as long as possible. Praying for healing, praying that Mom could stay in this CS facility "just a little longer". Except now she can't. And of course, now there is no availability in the places we prefer. And there are old people in nursing homes...those people who sit in wheelchairs and stare vacantly out into space - that make all of us so uncomfortable.
So how do any of us find peace with all of this? For me, I know that "Bidden or unbidden, God is here". I quit thinking that God causes or gets rid of bad things. It just didn't work for me to have God love me or heal me according to how "good" I was by human definition. There-in lies the rub...human definition. What is healing? What is our definition of a "good human picture?"
There is so much ugliness and pain in the world, yet I just can't believe God is not there for the people in Iraq or for my own Mother. So I turn to God for comfort, for solace, for joy and beauty. Those are always available to me, even when I can't stand the human picture. And that gives me a God I can count on, even when things don't go right.
How much of what happens to us is our choice and how we live our life, vs ordained by God? Age old question. I think a lot of how we live, perceive and experience things is by our own choice...and then there's a lot of unknown thrown in. So I have no answers and no guarantees. My goal is to see beauty, even when there is none. To love and support my family to the best of my ability. Your prayers would be much appreciated.
Namaste'
Mom, John and Julie are Christian Scientists. They have held out against medical intervention for absolutely as long as possible. Praying for healing, praying that Mom could stay in this CS facility "just a little longer". Except now she can't. And of course, now there is no availability in the places we prefer. And there are old people in nursing homes...those people who sit in wheelchairs and stare vacantly out into space - that make all of us so uncomfortable.
So how do any of us find peace with all of this? For me, I know that "Bidden or unbidden, God is here". I quit thinking that God causes or gets rid of bad things. It just didn't work for me to have God love me or heal me according to how "good" I was by human definition. There-in lies the rub...human definition. What is healing? What is our definition of a "good human picture?"
There is so much ugliness and pain in the world, yet I just can't believe God is not there for the people in Iraq or for my own Mother. So I turn to God for comfort, for solace, for joy and beauty. Those are always available to me, even when I can't stand the human picture. And that gives me a God I can count on, even when things don't go right.
How much of what happens to us is our choice and how we live our life, vs ordained by God? Age old question. I think a lot of how we live, perceive and experience things is by our own choice...and then there's a lot of unknown thrown in. So I have no answers and no guarantees. My goal is to see beauty, even when there is none. To love and support my family to the best of my ability. Your prayers would be much appreciated.
Namaste'
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Prayer
Every year I re -read my journal of the previous year, for a little perspective on "did I make any progress?" It's always fairly mind boggling to find out, that, "YES! I have made progress!" This year however, blows the curve big time. Not only did I sell my company, but with this last 5 months that I have used to rest, heal, and contemplate what to do with my life...I feel like I am a different person. There are many places I could talk about this, but knowing you are all busy people, I'm just going to choose one. In fact, I'm just going to type out a prayer I wrote back in June, before the company had sold (but looked likely).
"God, Goddess, Guides and Angels,
I ask your help in how to best serve You and best use my potential to become more enlightened. Show me what education to formally take, what experience to go for. Please bring me the people I am to meet, so that I can do the job and live the life that best serves Higher Good.
Open my heart and mind, Lord, to jobs, people, places and things that will best serve you and me. There are opportunities out there that I can feel, but can't name and don't know the path to get there. Please lead me where it's best for me to go - help me to accept and honor and know your graciousness. Help me let go of the arrogance of my self-imposed limitations. Let me open to reflecting you in better ways than I can imagine.
Thank you, Angels, for your love and support. Help me see Grace in everything."
"God, Goddess, Guides and Angels,
I ask your help in how to best serve You and best use my potential to become more enlightened. Show me what education to formally take, what experience to go for. Please bring me the people I am to meet, so that I can do the job and live the life that best serves Higher Good.
Open my heart and mind, Lord, to jobs, people, places and things that will best serve you and me. There are opportunities out there that I can feel, but can't name and don't know the path to get there. Please lead me where it's best for me to go - help me to accept and honor and know your graciousness. Help me let go of the arrogance of my self-imposed limitations. Let me open to reflecting you in better ways than I can imagine.
Thank you, Angels, for your love and support. Help me see Grace in everything."
Sunday, January 9, 2011
Musings of a future MDiv
So today's thoughts are possibly more appropriate than my opinion of God's thoughts on menopause - but maybe not. I went to church today...Metropolitan Community Church, fondly and necessarily known as MCC. No one fainted upon seeing me, which is good, b/c it has been awhile and I wasn't sure they would recognize me.
Anyway - the message was on Jesus' baptism by John the Baptist (Matt 3:13-17) and Rev Carol talked about how we are each called by God...and "marked" by Him. Now the King James version is more known to me, but MCC uses a more updated translation which reads, "This is my Son, chosen and marked by my love, delight of my life." vs KJ, "This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased." Just for the record? I think God sayin' "you are the delight of my life", is pretty cool.
Now the whole point of this blog is to reflect on a time in my life when this verse came to me and made an enormous difference in my life...and gave me a whole new outlook on my relationship with God. Now God has continued to grow and change in my life, and sometimes - in fact, just last summer, I really questioned if God was real... if I mattered to some esoteric Higher Power. Seemed like a lot of mumbo jumbo. I even put it out there that if God really loved me, if I really mattered, my company would sell.
Now I know you're not really supposed to challenge God that way - I mean, we're the peons, right? God is the awesome all power, kinda like the Sorcerer from Aladin. Except my company did sell, just exactly like I had prayed for. Down to the last detail. Sell to good people, in good time, for good money and oh...before I leave for Ireland (July 16). I was praying this fairly desperately the end of May, first of June. I closed on the company, the morning I left for Ireland. Huh. Does this mean God loves me? thinks I matter?
Well, here's another conundrum. Back in the day...I was 29 or so, Katie was 3 y/o and Jim and I were in trouble. I had gotten myself so worked up over DIVORCE???? and lesbian???? (really, you must whisper lesbian it was so evil) that I had strep throat. I know this now b/c I am "medical", but then I was "Christian Science" so divorcelesbianstrepthroat were all impossible. And there was this piece of me, way down deep, that truly believed, that I deserved the immense pain I was in - both emotional and physical, b/c I was so bad. I really thought God was punishing me.
My head could not wrap around what was happening to me. Does it seem symbolic that I could not even swallow? My throat was so swollen I couldn't swallow...or talk...or eat. Nothin'. So I'm walking through my house (Jim was not there, as he had gone back to his job in St. Louis) crying and wondering what I was going to do?
I remember falling on my knees - literally falling on my knees. Now Christian Scientists do not do this - we're not Catholic after all...but I fell on my knees and just hoped to die. Truly. And what I heard was, "You are my beloved Daughter, in whom I am well pleased." Big booming voice, right inside my head, no mistaking it.
Now this was a big deal, in and of itself - but you know what else? My strep throat was gone. I'm serious. No pain. No swelling. Able to swallow. Gone. So just in case I didn't really believe the "beloved Daughter" part...I experienced the most instantaneous and dramatic healing of my life...and at the time when I was truly in hell.
This went against everything I had been taught in CS...you only experience healing, especially instantaneous healing, when you become inspired, find a new "Truth" in God. When you are good. None of which I was.
So when Rev Carol talked this morning of being "called" by God - it seemed very symbolic of my decision to go to seminary and study God. And for the first time in my life, I am embarking on an education I truly believe God wants me to do. I have no doubt that there will be lots of doubts...but in the end, when I finally have my MDiv in my hand, I believe God will have pointed out what my true calling is, and how the first 51 years of my life have been preparation. Who knew?
Anyway - the message was on Jesus' baptism by John the Baptist (Matt 3:13-17) and Rev Carol talked about how we are each called by God...and "marked" by Him. Now the King James version is more known to me, but MCC uses a more updated translation which reads, "This is my Son, chosen and marked by my love, delight of my life." vs KJ, "This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased." Just for the record? I think God sayin' "you are the delight of my life", is pretty cool.
Now the whole point of this blog is to reflect on a time in my life when this verse came to me and made an enormous difference in my life...and gave me a whole new outlook on my relationship with God. Now God has continued to grow and change in my life, and sometimes - in fact, just last summer, I really questioned if God was real... if I mattered to some esoteric Higher Power. Seemed like a lot of mumbo jumbo. I even put it out there that if God really loved me, if I really mattered, my company would sell.
Now I know you're not really supposed to challenge God that way - I mean, we're the peons, right? God is the awesome all power, kinda like the Sorcerer from Aladin. Except my company did sell, just exactly like I had prayed for. Down to the last detail. Sell to good people, in good time, for good money and oh...before I leave for Ireland (July 16). I was praying this fairly desperately the end of May, first of June. I closed on the company, the morning I left for Ireland. Huh. Does this mean God loves me? thinks I matter?
Well, here's another conundrum. Back in the day...I was 29 or so, Katie was 3 y/o and Jim and I were in trouble. I had gotten myself so worked up over DIVORCE???? and lesbian???? (really, you must whisper lesbian it was so evil) that I had strep throat. I know this now b/c I am "medical", but then I was "Christian Science" so divorcelesbianstrepthroat were all impossible. And there was this piece of me, way down deep, that truly believed, that I deserved the immense pain I was in - both emotional and physical, b/c I was so bad. I really thought God was punishing me.
My head could not wrap around what was happening to me. Does it seem symbolic that I could not even swallow? My throat was so swollen I couldn't swallow...or talk...or eat. Nothin'. So I'm walking through my house (Jim was not there, as he had gone back to his job in St. Louis) crying and wondering what I was going to do?
I remember falling on my knees - literally falling on my knees. Now Christian Scientists do not do this - we're not Catholic after all...but I fell on my knees and just hoped to die. Truly. And what I heard was, "You are my beloved Daughter, in whom I am well pleased." Big booming voice, right inside my head, no mistaking it.
Now this was a big deal, in and of itself - but you know what else? My strep throat was gone. I'm serious. No pain. No swelling. Able to swallow. Gone. So just in case I didn't really believe the "beloved Daughter" part...I experienced the most instantaneous and dramatic healing of my life...and at the time when I was truly in hell.
This went against everything I had been taught in CS...you only experience healing, especially instantaneous healing, when you become inspired, find a new "Truth" in God. When you are good. None of which I was.
So when Rev Carol talked this morning of being "called" by God - it seemed very symbolic of my decision to go to seminary and study God. And for the first time in my life, I am embarking on an education I truly believe God wants me to do. I have no doubt that there will be lots of doubts...but in the end, when I finally have my MDiv in my hand, I believe God will have pointed out what my true calling is, and how the first 51 years of my life have been preparation. Who knew?
Friday, January 7, 2011
What is the point of menopause?
Since I am enrolling in a school that dishes out hard questions...I want to know - not, what is the point of menopause...but what was God thinkin'? I mean, really. First there is the onset of menses when you are 10-12 y/o. How mean is that? Then you get to deal with this monthly for the next 800 years - or 40, but it certainly feels like 800! and for what? I was pregnant twice, but only got to the line once...and for this I have to have monthly periods for 40 years???? I mean really - what did women do to deserve this? and don't give me that line of BS about Adam and Eve...that is a parable! made-up story to prove a point...made up by men, I am sure.
So anyway - I am now in menopause. Complete with hot flashes and mood swings. Remember, Katie would just hold out her hands for my coat, scarf, and gloves, and then just wait patiently for the steam to disappear from my glasses. In the snow. In Paris. No wonder Parisians looked at us so funny. maybe it wasn't that we were 8 inches taller than all of them.
I know this is terribly spiritual - but truly...what was God thinking? I mean, if God is a SHE...well, it just wouldn't happen. If God is a HE - well, let's just not go there. So if God is neither, but "all things"...how did this happen?? I'm sure you all just think I'm funny or if you are not so generous - wierd as hell. My question is - how did a Supreme Being come up with this game plan? The geranium in my window could come up with a better plan than this.
So truly - how did a Supreme Being come up with taking 1-5 years for a woman to go thro menopause (I will kill someone if it takes 5 years)...and come out on the other side with weak bones, saggy skin, and a thick waist? Where is the bonus plan? Isn't there supposed to be some sort of reward for getting thro it? Wasn't it Winston Churchill who said, "If you are going through hell, keep going!"? I guess good ol' Winston made no promises...maybe that's why he drank. I'm just sayin'...
So anyway - I am now in menopause. Complete with hot flashes and mood swings. Remember, Katie would just hold out her hands for my coat, scarf, and gloves, and then just wait patiently for the steam to disappear from my glasses. In the snow. In Paris. No wonder Parisians looked at us so funny. maybe it wasn't that we were 8 inches taller than all of them.
I know this is terribly spiritual - but truly...what was God thinking? I mean, if God is a SHE...well, it just wouldn't happen. If God is a HE - well, let's just not go there. So if God is neither, but "all things"...how did this happen?? I'm sure you all just think I'm funny or if you are not so generous - wierd as hell. My question is - how did a Supreme Being come up with this game plan? The geranium in my window could come up with a better plan than this.
So truly - how did a Supreme Being come up with taking 1-5 years for a woman to go thro menopause (I will kill someone if it takes 5 years)...and come out on the other side with weak bones, saggy skin, and a thick waist? Where is the bonus plan? Isn't there supposed to be some sort of reward for getting thro it? Wasn't it Winston Churchill who said, "If you are going through hell, keep going!"? I guess good ol' Winston made no promises...maybe that's why he drank. I'm just sayin'...
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Sounds like bliss!
So - one person has asked about how things work at Sancta Sophia, while another coupla people think I'm crazy:) Remember, I am an INFJ...only 2% of society:) Gives me an excuse to be wierd...I'm gonna be anyway, I just feel better about it now.
Sancta Sophia. The way I understand it is every program, from Master's to Doctrite, has to take FOS (foundations of spirituality). (FOS makes me laugh, as that is also a medical abbreviation for "full of s***". Many of you may find this ironic!) FOS is 18 months long, and includes a monthly meditation/contemplation of a spiritual sort of question. Then you write a paper, hand it in and get feedback on it. To me this sounds like heaven. Think about, discuss, and get feedback on spiritual questions! I bet the people who are enrolled in this school, don't even roll their eyes when presented with this sort of fun time!
There are 5 weeks of required coursework that is on-campus...1 week per quarter, with 2 weeks in April, optional week long courses of all sorts of subjects...Kabbalah, Death and Dying, Comparative World Scriptures, Triage for Spiritual Emergencies...on and on:) I am so excited!
It is also wonderful, b/c I can drive to Sancta Sophia, as it's in Tahlequah, OK - about 7 hours from St. Louis and 45 minutes from Tulsa. I don't have to sell my house, can keep my dog and still get to Boston in a reasonable time, in order to see my Mom. Oklahoma is also sparsely populated, in comparison to anywhere but the panhandle of Texas, and that also makes me happy. The icing on the cake, is that my friend Ola lives about 40 minutes from Tahlequah! She and I will be able to re-visit our hours of discussion around my kitchen table.
All of this means I should come out of the first 18 months with a certificate to teach esoteric spirituality and hopefully, be ordained. Who woulda thought?? Then in a little less than 4 years, I should have a master's in divinity or MDiv. At that point, I can teach, have my own church, do weddings, or sit on a mountaintop and have people climb to me for wisdom! LOL Maybe, by then, I will be able to figure out what I want to do and make a living at it. What a concept. I will certainly have options.
It just feels fantastic to have found a school that gives me credit for studying my bliss. Woohoo!
Sancta Sophia. The way I understand it is every program, from Master's to Doctrite, has to take FOS (foundations of spirituality). (FOS makes me laugh, as that is also a medical abbreviation for "full of s***". Many of you may find this ironic!) FOS is 18 months long, and includes a monthly meditation/contemplation of a spiritual sort of question. Then you write a paper, hand it in and get feedback on it. To me this sounds like heaven. Think about, discuss, and get feedback on spiritual questions! I bet the people who are enrolled in this school, don't even roll their eyes when presented with this sort of fun time!
There are 5 weeks of required coursework that is on-campus...1 week per quarter, with 2 weeks in April, optional week long courses of all sorts of subjects...Kabbalah, Death and Dying, Comparative World Scriptures, Triage for Spiritual Emergencies...on and on:) I am so excited!
It is also wonderful, b/c I can drive to Sancta Sophia, as it's in Tahlequah, OK - about 7 hours from St. Louis and 45 minutes from Tulsa. I don't have to sell my house, can keep my dog and still get to Boston in a reasonable time, in order to see my Mom. Oklahoma is also sparsely populated, in comparison to anywhere but the panhandle of Texas, and that also makes me happy. The icing on the cake, is that my friend Ola lives about 40 minutes from Tahlequah! She and I will be able to re-visit our hours of discussion around my kitchen table.
All of this means I should come out of the first 18 months with a certificate to teach esoteric spirituality and hopefully, be ordained. Who woulda thought?? Then in a little less than 4 years, I should have a master's in divinity or MDiv. At that point, I can teach, have my own church, do weddings, or sit on a mountaintop and have people climb to me for wisdom! LOL Maybe, by then, I will be able to figure out what I want to do and make a living at it. What a concept. I will certainly have options.
It just feels fantastic to have found a school that gives me credit for studying my bliss. Woohoo!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
scallops and spirituality
So I cooked scallops tonight, with no idea what I was doing. They were good - not great, but good. The real news is that I have decided to go to grad school at Sancta Sophia Seminary. Hopefully will graduate with a master's in divinity, a certification to teach esoteric Christianity (hidden wisdom...my bliss!), and maybe even be ordained! Huzzah! to quote my daughter.
Here's how I see it. I will get to spend loads of time with people, talking about the deep things in life...hidden wisdom, why are we here, and what is the meaning of menopause? I mean, really. Keep it real, people. Seriously. I get to study Christianity, the Kabbalah, what the hell the Rosary is, and base it all in a metaphysical foundation. Heaven. I wonder if I can figure out how to make a living from this?
So my other idea is - this seminary is a 2 week a month sort of deal...there aren't enough spaces to rent or live in during this time...at least, that are fit for those of us that are spoiled with our own houses...so...why don't I invest in an apartment building? condos or even townhouses? I mean, alternative spirituality is the up and coming thing...this is a small town in Oklahoma that is designated for this school...why the hell not? invest and get an education. I'm just not picky where my income is going to come from...so why not real estate? I'm just sayin'...I'm putting it out there.
Here's how I see it. I will get to spend loads of time with people, talking about the deep things in life...hidden wisdom, why are we here, and what is the meaning of menopause? I mean, really. Keep it real, people. Seriously. I get to study Christianity, the Kabbalah, what the hell the Rosary is, and base it all in a metaphysical foundation. Heaven. I wonder if I can figure out how to make a living from this?
So my other idea is - this seminary is a 2 week a month sort of deal...there aren't enough spaces to rent or live in during this time...at least, that are fit for those of us that are spoiled with our own houses...so...why don't I invest in an apartment building? condos or even townhouses? I mean, alternative spirituality is the up and coming thing...this is a small town in Oklahoma that is designated for this school...why the hell not? invest and get an education. I'm just not picky where my income is going to come from...so why not real estate? I'm just sayin'...I'm putting it out there.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
New Year's - 2011
So January 1, 2011, I went to a gratitude meeting at my friend Judith's. Nothing like hearing other people's gratitude to make you REALLY grateful for your own life! And I have to say mine is pretty, damn wonderful. I mean,
1) I sold my company
2) I took 6 months off to just relax, heal and re-group.
3) I went to Ireland, Michigan, San Fransciso, and France.
4) In France, I spent 2 weeks with my daughter...what fun. See her blog for details:)
5) I'm getting a clue as to who I am and what I might want to do with my life.
That last one brings me to my next subject. I've always loved spirituality. Healing. Consciousness. Evolving. I've worked harder on my own evolution than any other thing in my life. If I had worked that hard to make money, I would not be looking for a job now. But money doesn't really interest me - at least other than the freedom it gives...especially to travel:)
So when I think about what I want to do...it has to be spirituality. Now I've looked at schools in San Fran, Minnesota (hell, no) and soon, Oklahoma. I'm told it's the pretty part of Oklahoma...kinda like Arkansas. Wonder what birds they will have?
OK OK - Oklahoma, Sancta Sophia Seminary. If I did the entire program, I would come out with a certification to teach Esoteric Christianity (ooh, how cool is that??), possibly ordained, and with a Masters in Divinity, Theology, or Spiritual Arts. Surely that gives me some choices, especially with spirituality being the "new thing"! And - I wouldn't have to sell my house, move or give up my dog:) AND - my friend Ola lives only 40 miles from the seminary. That, would be wonderful.
Ola is the only person I know who likes spirituality as much as I do...we will talk for hours, just like we used to do at my kitchen table. So - more when I find out more. God is good - all the time.
1) I sold my company
2) I took 6 months off to just relax, heal and re-group.
3) I went to Ireland, Michigan, San Fransciso, and France.
4) In France, I spent 2 weeks with my daughter...what fun. See her blog for details:)
5) I'm getting a clue as to who I am and what I might want to do with my life.
That last one brings me to my next subject. I've always loved spirituality. Healing. Consciousness. Evolving. I've worked harder on my own evolution than any other thing in my life. If I had worked that hard to make money, I would not be looking for a job now. But money doesn't really interest me - at least other than the freedom it gives...especially to travel:)
So when I think about what I want to do...it has to be spirituality. Now I've looked at schools in San Fran, Minnesota (hell, no) and soon, Oklahoma. I'm told it's the pretty part of Oklahoma...kinda like Arkansas. Wonder what birds they will have?
OK OK - Oklahoma, Sancta Sophia Seminary. If I did the entire program, I would come out with a certification to teach Esoteric Christianity (ooh, how cool is that??), possibly ordained, and with a Masters in Divinity, Theology, or Spiritual Arts. Surely that gives me some choices, especially with spirituality being the "new thing"! And - I wouldn't have to sell my house, move or give up my dog:) AND - my friend Ola lives only 40 miles from the seminary. That, would be wonderful.
Ola is the only person I know who likes spirituality as much as I do...we will talk for hours, just like we used to do at my kitchen table. So - more when I find out more. God is good - all the time.
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